Hurts that seem to never go away... SIGH

I guess I should be used to this but I'm still not.. and it still hurts.  I swear all my life all I've wanted was to be accepted and loved by my family; extended as well as immediate, as well as friends.  Well I guess I'm not so smart because I'm married to a level 3 sex offender which pretty much makes me persona non gratta in my community as well as in my family.... Wow what a genius my determined acceptance of people no matter their past has just kept me in the position I've been in all my life.  And my determination to love everyone just doesn't pay off.

What precipitated this you may ask? Well I'm still going threw counseling and my councilors keep telling me that if I don't verbalize what hurts me its never going to change and I'm never going to be able to move beyond it.  Well my family is again having a family gathering and they have again not even kind of invited me.  It would be understandable if they don't have enough room for me and my daughter, and I get that I just had surgery but it feels like its ALWAYS something, some reason to avoid me.  And when I mentioned it to my sister she went immediately to who my husband is...  That's not what I needed or wanted. I just wanted to let her know that my feelings had been hurt; to own my feelings and express them to one of the few people in my life who should always listen to me, after all I've always listened to her hurts and complaints.

And my poor husband is like; this is how I've felt all my life he.  He has been rejected by all of his family his whole life b/c of things that he did, I've been reject by all of my family because I refused to stop loving my father when my parents divorced; but then I was rejected by my father in favor of his new wife and her family because I would not leave my other family.  One of the great travesties of the 20th century and society and probably a great part of the down fall of so many parts of our current society.  All these kids who just never feel like they fit in ANYWHERE.  I think here is a reason why some people lose it and kill a bunch of people...  I'm soo tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for any part of my family.  My mom's family is to focused on money and HATES that I'm married to a sex offender.. "And I just have to accept that they will never accept him, and that they are always going to feel this way about him and I have to accept the conciseness of my decisions.  And I choose to marry HIM." I cant tell you how much I am tired of hearing this.  Did you know that they use the same wording about my husbands offence as my family does about my choice of husband.  "It was your choice, your decision, you have to deal with the consequences." I don't think loving anyone should every be treated like a criminal offence.  And I don't think that any of this behavior is being a Christian.

I just wish I had extended family that gave a SHIT about me, besides my one and only mother-in-law, who lives in Florida. Ok well now that I've eaten dinner my emotions are calmed down and I don't know what to say,  SO I'll logg off now... thank you for listening to my break down....

I try to keep my promises/ Red Flags.

These are taken from this web site.Feel free to check it out yourself; http://www.stopitnow.org/warnings

Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children

We all have personal likes and things that make us uncomfortable. “Personal space” is the private area of control inside an imaginary line or boundary that defines each person as separate.

Meara comment- This is also very CULTURALLY biased.   Different cultures have different ideas of what is acceptable and what is not as far as personal space.. Heck different parts of the US have different ideas about this as well.

Ideally, that boundary helps us stay in charge of our own personal space. It helps keep out the things that make us uncomfortable - unsafe and unwanted feelings, words, images, and physical contact. Solid social rules strengthen the boundary. Behaviors that routinely disrespect or ignore boundariesⁱ make children vulnerable to abuse.

Do you know an adult or older child who doesn’t seem to understand what’s acceptable when it comes to: 

Personal Space

• Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundariesⁱ or limits?
• Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?
• Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?
• Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?

Relationships with children

• Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information or activities, normally shared with adults?
• Has secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive time to emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth
• Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?
• Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby sits different children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason?
•  Allows children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviors?

Sexual conversation or behavior

• Frequently points out sexual images or tells dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
• Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or images without apparent concern?
• Is overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly about the child's developing body or interferes with normal teendating)?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child

Someone you care about may be acting in ways that worry or confuse you. The behaviors below may indicate a possible risk of sexual abuse to a child, but may also be a way for this adult to ask for help.

Many people with sexual behavior problemsⁱ believe that others already suspect and often wish someone would ask what’s going on or advise them where to call to get help. Remember, you can start a conversation by pointing out harmful impacts on a child without accusing someone of abusive intentions.

Do you have concerns about someone you know in these areas of daily life?

Relationships

• Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundariesⁱ?
• Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?
• Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?
• Encourages silence and secrets in children?

Sexual Interactions

• Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior, e.g. sexualized threats or insults, like “whore” or “slut”?
• Makes fun of children's body parts, describes children with sexual words like “stud” or “sexy” or talks again and again about the sexual activities of children or teens?
• Masturbates so often that it gets in the way of important day-to-day activities?
• Has an interest in sexual fantasies involving children and seems unclear about what's appropriate with children?
• Looks at child pornographyⁱ or downloads/views Internet pornographyⁱ and is not willing to show whether children are involved?
• Asks adult partners to dress or act like a child or teen during sexual activity?

Personal Safety/Responsibility

• Has been known to make poor decisions while misusing drugs or alcohol?
• Justifies behavior, defends poor choices or harmful acts; blames others to refuse responsibility for behaviors?
• Minimizes hurtful or harmful behaviors when confronted; denies harmfulness of actions or words despite a clear negative impact?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior

It can be hard to acknowledge that all of us, even children, are sexual beings, have sexual feelings and are curious about sex and sexuality. Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching.

They may peek when family members are in the bathroom or changing clothes or try to listen outside the bedroom. They may look at magazines, books, videos, and on the internet.

It can be hard to tell the difference between “normal” sexual behaviors and behaviors that are signs that a child may be developing a problem. Sexual play that is more typical or expected in children will more often have the following traits:

• The sexual play is between children who have an ongoing mutually enjoyable play and/or school friendship.
• The sexual play is between children of similar size, age, and social and emotional development.
• It is lighthearted and spontaneous. The children may be giggling and having fun when you discover them.
• When adults set limits (for example, children keep their clothes on at day care), children are able to follow the rules.

Preschool age (0 to 5 years)

Common:

• Will have questions and express knowledge relating to:
  • differences in gender, private body parts,
  • hygiene and toileting,
  • pregnancy and birth.
• Will explore genitals and can experience pleasure.
• Showing and looking at private body parts.

Uncommon:

• Having knowledge of specific sexual acts or explicit sexual language.
• Engaging in adult-like sexual contact with other children.

School-age (6-8 years)

Common:

• Will need knowledge and have questions about
  • physical development, relationships, sexual behavior
  • menstruation and pregnancy,
  • personal values.
• Experiment with same-age and same gender children, often during games or role-playing.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.

Uncommon:

• Adult-like sexual interactions,
• Having knowledge of specific sexual acts,
• Behaving sexually in a public place or through the use of phone or internet technology. 

School-age (9-12 years)

Hormonal changes and external influences, such as peers, media and Internet, will increase sexual awareness, feelings and interest at the onset of puberty.

Common:

• Will need knowledge and have questions about
  • Sexual materials and information,
  • Relationships and sexual behavior,
  • Using sexual words and discussing sexual acts and personal values, particularly with peers.
• Increased experimentation with sexual behaviors and romantic relationships.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.

Uncommon:

• Regularly occurring adult-like sexual behavior .
• Behaving sexually in a public place. 

Adolescence (13 to 16)

Common:

• Will need information and have questions about
  • Decision making
  • Social relationships and sexual customs
  • Personal values and consequences of sexual behavior.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
• Girls will begin menstruation; boys will begin to produce sperm.
• Sexual experimentation between adolescents of the same age and gender is common.
• Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group.
• First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.

Uncommon:

• Masturbation in a public place.
• Sexual interest directed toward much younger children.

Resources on Children's Sexual Development

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse

Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:

• During a divorce
• Death of a family member or pet
• Problems at school or with friends
• Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
  • Refuses to eat
  • Loses or drastically increases appetite
  •  Has trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
• Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
  

  Signs more typical in adolescents

• Self-injury (cutting, burning)
• Inadequate personal hygiene
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Sexual promiscuity
• Running away from home
• Depression, anxiety
• Suicide attempts
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Signs That a Child or Teen May Be At-Risk to Harm Another Child

More than a third of all sexual abuse of children is committed by someone under the age of 18. Children, particularly younger children, may take part in inappropriate interactions without understanding how it might be hurtful to others. For this reason, it may be more helpful to talk about a child’s sexually “harmful” behavior rather than sexually “abusive” behavior.

Do you know a child or adolescent who is:
 

Confused about social rules and interactions

• May experience typical gestures of friendliness or affection as sexual?
• Explores his or her own natural sexual curiosity with younger children or those of differing size, status, ability, or power?
• Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time with them rather than with peers?
• Takes younger children to “secret” places or hideaways or plays “special” games with them (e.g. playing doctor, undressing or touching games, etc.)?
•  Insists on physical contact with a child when the child resists the attention?

Anxious, depressed or seeming to need help

• Tells you they do not want to be alone with a child, or group of children, or becomes anxious about being with a particular young person?
• Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused and has not been offered adequate resources and support for recovery?
• Seems to be crying for help, i.e. behaves as if they want to be caught; leaves “clues” or acts in ways that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues?

Impulsively sexual or aggressive

• Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior (e.g. makes sexual threats or insults)?
• Unable to control inappropriate sexual behaviors involving another child after being told to stop?
• Engages in sexually harassing behavior?
• Shares alcohol, drugs, or sexual material with younger children or teens?
• Views sexual images of children on the Internet or elsewhere?
• Forces sexual interaction, including direct contact and non-contact (like exposing genitals) on another adolescent or child?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

What is Considered Child Sexual Abuse?

If you are not exactly sure what sexual abuse is, you’re not alone. All sexual activity between an adult and a child is sexual abuse. Sexual touching between children can also be sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse between children is often defined as when there is a significant age difference (usually 3 or more years) between the children, or if the children are very different developmentally or size-wise. Sexual abuse does not have to involve penetration, force, pain, or even touching. If an adult engages in any sexual behavior (looking, showing, or touching) with a child to meet the adult’s interest or sexual needs, it is sexual abuse.

Child Sexual Abuse includes harmful contact and non-contact behaviors

Abusive physical contact or touching includes:

• Touching a child's genitals or private parts for sexual purposes
• Making a child touch someone else's genitals or play sexual games
• Putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth or in the anus of a child for sexual purposes

Non-contact sexual abuse includes:

• Showing pornographyⁱ to a child
• Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child
• Photographing a child in sexual poses
• Encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts
• Inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom

Sexually abusive images of children and the Internet

As well as the activities described above, there is also the serious and growing problem of people making and downloading sexual images of children on the Internet. To view sexually abusive images of children is to participate in the abuse of a child, and may cause someone to consider sexual interactions with children as acceptable.

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, call or email our Helpline or visit our Online Help Center.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish. 123

Four R’s of Prevention

Rules (noun) – principles set forth to guide behavior or action. Ex. Everyone’s safer when everyone knows and is clear about the rules for what’s considered acceptable behavior.

Respect (noun) – to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody. Ex. Support others with respect to live up to the generally accepted rules and expectations for positive interactions, all the time.

Read (verb) – to interpret the information conveyed by movements, signs, or signals; an understanding of something by experience or intuitive means. Ex: Regularly read what’s going on around you and trust your instincts to stay aware of concerning behaviors.

Responsibility (noun) – the state, fact, or position of being accountable to somebody or for something. Ex. Responsibility for keeping kids safe belongs to every adult in the community, every day.

With the beginning of the school year, teachers, coaches, other kid’s parents, even popular students are assuming new roles of influence or authority over children. Clear, shared guidelines—the rules—about what kids should expect from these relationships let everyone know what’s acceptable and what’s considered questionable, long before there’s a problem.

Respect is the cornerstone of sexual abuse prevention—both as a way to define what makes behavior acceptable and as an essential communication tool when concerns arise. Respectful behavior is the opposite of abusive behavior.

Regularly “reading” the situations where kids play, learn, and work is an important part of prevention. To create sexually safe environments, learn to read and redirect potentially harmful behavior—like ignoring a child’s limits around hugs, kisses or tickling—before a child is harmed. Remember, the focus is prevention, not cure. Signs or signals that someone is struggling to control his or her impulses are often visible long before any sexually harmful actions.

Kids have the right to count on those with authority or influence to stay within the bounds of their particular roles: to take responsibility to follow and enforce the expected rules. Whether the lesson is math or religion, soccer or swimming, successful learning demands a level of openness and intimacy. Good teachers, coaches and others inspire kids to overcome challenges with imagination, creativity, and humor. But over time, some may consciously or unconsciously begin to ignore or gradually change the terms of the relationship, using things like secret understandings, suggestive jokes, or belittling other authority figures to engage kids. Even when there is no harmful intention, regularly breaking the expected rules can leave everyone guessing about what’s okay and createopenings to veer off from healthy behaviors.

And don’t forget—older siblings, star athletes, popular students and other kids may need help managing their influence over other children. As they mature, young people increasingly look to peers for cues about rules, often leading to confusion or misinformation. But the ultimate responsibility to provide guidance about safe relationships lies with the adults. Despite what they may say, kids depend on it.

• Decide on the rules. Talk with friends about what are appropriate rules for those in different roles of authority or influence. Then make your expectations clear to anyone influencing kids.
• Practice “reading” children’s relationships. Stay aware of the signs or patterns of change. Honor your instincts. Then speak up. Ask questions. Talk through your concerns with others.
• Be a role model of respect. Insist that others act respectfully toward you. Stay aware of how your actions affect others. Use firm, respectful language to insist that others honor the rules.
• Embrace responsibility. Be accountable. Start one conversation everyday with a friend or family member about how to fulfill adults’ responsibility to keep children safe.

Kids shouldn’t have the responsibility to recognize and challenge unsafe behaviors. A whole community of responsible adults, reading behaviors, respectfully supporting kids and other adults to understand and follow the rules—that’s the best way to prevent sexual abuse. Our kids are counting on us. And after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

And no I've not had any of these RED Flags with my husband, but I've dealt with a few from my step kids, and other kids down the street toward my child.

The Kid Said WHAT?! For 2000 Alex...

So its summer, and my wonderful hubby gets my daughter a med sized swimming pool.. One of those "it sets up as you fill it" pools.  And we knew just knew that it would inevitably pull at the other kids in the neighborhood.   So it started today.  We decided to cook, hot dogs, and brats over the fire in the fire pit we have in our yard; and we have a friend with her son up to visit.  SOOO not only do we have a tire swing in the yard, a pool, AND a fire pit, but also 2 5 yr olds running around our yard.  AND low and behold my husband come inside from starting the fire and tells me that he NEEDS me outside, because there is some strange kid in our yard that wont leave.   So I go outside and this kid, who I find out is 7 and going into 2nd grade and lives down the street from us just makes himself at home in our yard.  I'm outside so my husband is not ever alone with this kid and we don't let him in our house but its difficult to chase him away.

All things are ok, he is a bit annoying but not overly so.  We find out he has a bee-bee gun and a bow, and he is in the Cub Scouts, and his mom is his Cub Scout leader, then eventually my husband and our friend go inside, with our friends son and I'm left out side with my daughter and this little boy.  Pretty soon he is sitting next to me and starts talking about stuff I can not believe is coming out of his mouth.

He says that boys don't like to play with girls , and I say "why wouldn't you want to play with girls?" and he says "cuz.... I don't like playing with girls.  Like when boys and girls get comfortable with each other."  I believe I know where he is going but I'm not about to let on.  This is not my kid, and I'm not about to lead him down this road unless he wants to go there.  He says "You know when boys and girls get REALLY Comfortable with each other?"  I play dumb, and say, what do you mean?  he says "you know it starts with an "S".... and then has an "E" and ends with "X".   I don't like to talk about it very much, it make me uncomfortable."
I'm floored, I say "Well your kinda young to really have to worry about that so its OK to be uncomfortable with that."  What else am I supposed to say?!! OMG!!!!  HERE I am the wife of a level 3 sex offender basically having a sex talk with some random kid in the neighborhood.  Then he says that this other kid forced him to "do things with a girl and he didn't like it."   I ask if he told anyone and he said "Ya I told his parents, and he got in trouble and got grounded to his room."  I said that it was good that he told, and then he says that he bought a WII with the 100 that the kid gave him.  BLINK BLINK WHAT!!!!  UM WOW... this line of conversation goes on for a while and I basically hear a couple of seemingly disconnected events, like some kid saying that he did something but they looked at a video of it and found that it was the other kid not him.. So he did not get in trouble..... I almost walked this kid home.  But I had already established that he had indeed told an adult.  At this point I'm not really sure what to do or IF I should do any more. I think I'll take a walk and go meet his family in the next day or so, just to be safe....

It still weirds me out when I get put in this kind of position... maybe I should call the police, just to be safe... I guess I really can't doubt that I'm on the right track career wise...  I'm just dumbfounded, and creep-ed out just a bit.. ya know...Any thoughts?

Le Sigh

So a person I know posts on Facebook that if you can give him a request and if he can do it he would do it. So I type in "find a level 3 sex offender a job" and all I get back is a  basic NO.

Gosh if this just doesn't push me more to do exactly what I want to do in Psychology.    SO I guess getting my AA really really does matter and and I am so very badly needed.

Today was my commencement, but I didn't walk this year.  I had thought I was going to finish my AA last summer, but that did not happen and it got postponed till this year, and I could have walked.  I didn't and ya wanna know why I didn't walk?  Well here it is, my state has a rule that no sex offenders are aloud on public school grounds, and the commencement was held in a local High School.  My husband is less than a year before FINALLY being off of probation and we just don't want to take any chances.  How sad is it that things like where a commencement is held is something we have to worry about.  How sad is it that some how some people are just never aloud to move on.  I guess if I had to really critize this whole situation is that it subjects people to an extended amount of punishment that other wrong-dooers are not subjected too, and it doesn't just stop at the "perpetrator" it encompasses their family and friends as well.

Hey have I mentioned that I'm a grandma?  Well I'm a step grandma but I've never gotten to see my grand-baby.  The mommy is my husbands daughter who was adopted by family members on her mothers side.  She came up to visit/live with her birth mom when she had a fight with her adoptive parents.  She asked if she could get to know her father and his "new" family; so we meet her.  And we walked her threw my husbands whole dang story, and she said she understood.  She told us that we could be grandparents, and she asked us to buy her a crib for the baby she was going to have.  I EVEN brought over a bunch of cloths from my daughter that had passed away and offered her the use of them.  We went threw the whole explanation about how I've been threw the Sex Offender supervision classes, and that I've been approved by not only the State Probation officers but also by a Judge of the State, and that he is aloud to be around any children as long as I am with him.  His PO says he is aloud to do anything that a normal parent does, and that includes seeing his children and grandchildren.

At first she seemed understanding, so we aloud ourselves to get excited, and then we were told; after the baby shower, for which we spent over 200 dollars on food for, that she was never going to let us see the baby, and had never planned to.  She has come up with every excuse possible to say that I'm lying about the our ability to be around children.  She used us, plain and simple and its so frustrating because it's just one more way that this kind of thing never ever goes away.  Maybe some how, some time I'll help to get this changed.

Maybe its the weather....

Maybe its the weather, but I'm feeling really down recently.  I can't talk or text my Best Friend up here b/c HER Boy Friend, has decided that I'm a "sick fuck", like I posted in a previous posting... I message her while she was at work and she said she missed her BF too, and she would talk to me later but SHHH, she did not want to get in trouble with her BF.  WHAT kind of person gets pissed b/c someone texts or messages or communicates with a friend.  A jackass that's what kind of person!

This dumb ass had a tough childhood, abuse and everything but hey, find me people who haven't had shitty childhoods. He choose to only feel anger, and ya know I truly believe that he is complacently accurate in this statement.  He has just become adept at blurring the lines between lust/love and anger/rage.

I had an ex boyfriend who actually brook up with me because he felt his grip on emotional control slipping and the rage from his childhood reasserting its self and he did not want to "rape" me or hurt me in any sexual way.  I think I finally really understand what that boyfriend was talking about.

I miss my friend.  I worry for her but I can't do anything because he has already threatened my family once and I cant let that happen again.  We have been threw way way to much.

On the plus side of things, I've got my AA degree now SO, I can continue on for my BA in Psychology, probably gonna have to do something with Forensics Psychology and Sociology to do all I want to do. With the Grief Studies, and the SOAP (Sex Offenders Awareness and Prevention).  I know I have to get my BAS and then my Masters.  One of my teachers said I'd make a good teacher/professor of college psychology and that I had not started to late.
 I do wish I had started this road so much earlier, maybe life would be different, but it life was different then I would not be where I am or who I am with, and I may not have my WONDERFUL husband and my children.

I get to walk commencement Wednesday, and I feel like I should be so happy but really I'm just so tired that I'm just not excited about this.  Maybe I just miss my friend.... sigh

How My Mind

OK SO my mind works in weird ways.  Let me first say that I have like a thousand or million disk CD/MP3 player in my head that is set on permanent shuffle so random songs will float threw my head at odd times, so with that said here is what my brain just thought up.
Song: Sandy From: The Musical Grease Line that played in my head:  "Sandy baby I'm in misery.   We made a start, now we're apart; there's nothing left for me.  Spoken: Stranded at the drive in..... Branded a fool... What will they say Monday at school?''
And here is where my brain jumps.  "What will they say Monday at school?"  The oh so precious illusion of a "reputation" to up hold.  The bad boys cant get dumped by the good girls; the good girls can't go out with the bad boys; people cant ever walk away from their pasts because "your reputation proceeds you" is always there.   The same goes for Sex Offenders.  A murder can go to prison and come out "a new man"; who has "served his time" and needs to be given a second chance, and be aloud to move on with his or her life.  But a Sex Offender is BRANDED for life, but its not just his or her lives that are forever changed.

Have I mentioned that my husband refused to allow our daughters to have his last name, because of the crap his older kids went threw in school. He is not aloud to go to ANY of my daughter's extra curricular activities if they are held on school grounds, because the policy of the school system is that IF he were to attend a school sponsored activity he would have a list of rules, including not being able to use a general public restroom, to the school sending a letter home to EVERY SINGLE parent of EVERY SINGLE  child who attends the school weather or not that child would be there during that specific activity.  Frankly I HATE this, I am going to have to spend my daughters entire life explaining to her why daddy wont be able to be at ANY school nonperformance, but a recent event has brought this up for me again.  My daughter recent had birthday party to go to, and my husband refused to go.   I would have appreciated it b/c I'm sinking into some layer of social anxiety or agoraphobia, and he is my rock, but he wont go.  He doesn't want the parents of these kids to remember who's daughter she is.  So now not only does she almost have NO ONE come to her own birthday party, but her daddy wont go to any other birthday parties either.  I guess some times I feel like a single parent, but not really cuz he really is there at every other moment, he just cares to much about her mental stability to purposely put her in the line of fire.

I gotta say this is VERY difficult for me, because I have very recently found out that I can be very vocal and defensive of my husband.  I REFUSE to be ashamed of him and his past and his growth in life but I am constantly being told to just let things go because it stirs the pot to much because it only makes things harder on the rest of our family.  But I want to defend him, I want to champion him, I want to stop and knock some sense into people, and MAKE them see how he has changed, and how much my daughter needs her daddy.

I'm just amazed how much other peoples opinions effect our everyday lives.  I know so many people who say they don't care but really they do; and So very many who let everyone's opinion alter and sway their own opinions until they really don't know what is their own ideas and thoughts or what is someone else's.  I wonder why so many people care so much.   I know this is generally part of our culture but I don't know why.

Ok I'm out of thoughts right now, so I'll post more later.. nights

I'll write more on this later but right now all I'm saying is WTFH!!!! This IS NOT RIGHT!!!
People will NEVER learn to live a good life if at every turn they are STOMPED further into the ground, and the worst thing to do is to REMOVE a person's personal power from the person who at one time committed an act of power--- most sexual misconducts is not a matter of SEX but of power and control in the persons life. THIS IS GOING TOOO FAR!!!

SOO here is a conversation I had with a friend of mine's new boyfriend.... I'll leave out names to keep peoples privacy but for those who are reading this who are in a similar situation this is the kind of crap that you can run into... and no I don't have any good way to really deal with this... no great words of wisdom today.. today I'm just too upset and frazzled atm...

Ok so background  is this.. Friend "A" has a daughter "E" and just got a new boyfriend "B".   Boyfriend "B" was well informed of my Hubby's past and seemed ok with it until something changed suddenly and this is what I got this am when I messaged friend "A" about how school conferences went for her this am and I got

"non of your bizz"... 

and I know that's NOT my Friend "A" that is her BF "B"so I say

 "OK "B", Was just asking my friend how things went since we have been talking to each other about our kids for 2 yrs now"
and he says "U need counselling and I'm gna do my damdest 2 keep "E" away from that sick chomo fuck u live with"(BTW I'm leaving in his misspellings b/c they piss me off even more.)So I say ""B" I am not going to begin thsi discussion with you. "J" is not a child molester and we have all been threw counseling. We have supported and loved "A" and "E" like family and we were ready to accept you and your past as well. Your anger and arrogance are countering your Nore beliefs. I will always be "A's" friend ad "E" will always be welcome here and will always be my daughter's friendSO HE SAYS " Dont count on it and yes he's a very sick fuck"So i respond with"you know normally I would engage you in this petty name calling bigitory but I don't need this and since you don't even have the balls to talk to us I'm done discussing this with you..."AND "B" says "Don't waste time with codependend (codependent) pedophile blind ho like you and your so dam sick that u let him fuck other chics that ain't love if he ain't satisfied with you"I did not respond to him.... I did have my hubby call his po and let him know that this guy is trying to start trouble

I'm very frustrated and saddend right now.. sigh...

Written by me in 2010

I agree that some people should be locked away for ever, I understand that some are just sick individuals. However as a Wife of a SO, I also see where some people just made some really poor decisions as a youth or young adult.

I really believe that there has to be differences when it comes to offenders who are violent and non violent, and when the offender is inappropriate with a person who has not reached puberty and one who has. These things are not noted in the current laws. Nor will they be if the Adam Walsh Act goes threw.

Speaking as a person living with a loved one on the registry its amazing the extent of discrimination you can now receive for a mistake made sometimes years ago. Now days being convicted of a sex crime is ridiculously easy, and just about as damning to a person, their future, family, employment opportunities, living situations and self-esteem as being diagnosed with HIV or AIDS was 20 years ago.

There is therapy in place for people who make these mistakes and as long as they are not one of the unfortunate ones who simply can not be "cured" they can come out of it simple people who want to move forward with their lives. These lists are not aiding that goal, and thus dragging would be productive, healthy, wonderful members of society down even more.

I personally have seen my husband use so much from his therapy to interact with his children, whom he is still aloud to see and even live with. He took his counseling and therapy to heart and learned and grew from it. He is not a threat to society, his was a mistake, and then rebellion of the system because he figured his life was already messed up what was the point. He sees the point now and regrets his actions, and yet he is not aloud to move on. Our daughter will most likely not be aloud to participate in girl scouts because her daddy screwed a willing 15 year old, 16 years ago. By the time she would be ready for girl-scouts it will be 20 to 25 years in the past that SHE will be paying for.

Its not the ones that are registered that I'm worried about, its the SO that aren't registered, that have not been caught, that have not gotten help, that we don't know about, who are living down the street or in the next town that I fear. I intend to raise my child with knowledge of her fathers mistakes, and to be cautious of people whom she doesn't know, and the no touching under swim suit rule. A rule, I must say my husband was never taught. However I also intend to teach her that sometimes mistakes are made and you must forgive and move on. That is the goal and supposition of our incarceration system.

I asked an officer of the law once why we have a registry for the SO's and not for murderers. I personally would like to know if someone in my neighborhood is unstable enough to commit such a violent crime. Yet when they serve their time they can move anywhere and other than working and having to admit to a felony they don't have that transgression following them around like an albatross around their neck. His answer if you will believe it was that, well Murderers don't leave their victims alive.


Don't leave their victims alive?! What are you talking about man?! The family of the deceased are still that person's victim. And correct me if I'm wrong but I believe you can go to counseling and therapy and somewhat recover from a molestation or rape, but you can not recover from death.

There is something not right in this AWA, and mainly it is not acknowledging a person's ability to grow and become better.

My own personal Plans

I found this posted by one of my Facebook friends.  This just completely validates one aspect of my future plans for my psychology degree.


I want to develop and implement a program for high-schoolers and college aged adults and I want to call it SOAP; this being Sex Offender Awareness and Prevention.  At first I had thought I would have to focus on Jr.'s and Sr.'s but this woman's posting has shown me that even Freshmen are ready and able to tackle these topics, and that this kind of education is needed. 
I do have to say I've been cautious about talking about this to much because I'm very far from having my psychology degree, and I'm kind of afraid of someone making this program before me, but really its simply something that is very necessary.  I want to focus on how all people involved in sexual encounters need to be aware of what their decisions are, and that everyone needs to be responsible for their own decisions.  If your a minor and you want to have sex, it should not be ONLY your partners responsibility to make sure the act is legal.  This means IF your underage, YOU know how old you are, and IF YOU know the other person is over 18, then YOU should not have sex with that person b/c if that other person doesn't know your age YOU DO!  I also want to focus on what being a sex offender can do to a person's life, and the lives of their friends and family.  I want kids to begin to understand how people become sex offenders, and how not to become a sex offender.  I also want people to realize what kind of trama and stress these decisions can put on others far beyond the immediate situations.  Its not just about STD's and Baby making.  Bad decisions made now can affect every aspect of their lives and their families lives from now to forever.

The Day I Taught How Not to Rape

Posted on March 19, 2013 by accidental devotional

Yesterday, the news invaded my classroom. I think the kids aren’t paying attention. I think the kids only care about the news as it relates to Justin Bieber. I think they aren’t listening or capable of advanced thought. Every single time I think one of those things, I sell out the ninth-graders that come traipsing through my room every day.
It started when I picked this poem to go over different ways to look at poetry:

Witness

Martha Collins

If she says something now he’ll say
it’s not true if he says it’s not true
they’ll think it’s not true if they think
it’s not true it will be nothing new
but for her it will be a weightier
thing it will fill up the space where
he isn’t allowed it will open the door
of the room where she’s put him
away he will fill up her mind he will fill
up her plate and her glass he will fill up
her shoes and her clothes she will never
forget him he says if she says
something now if she says something ever
he never will let her forget and it’s true
for a week for a month but the more
she says true and the more he says not
the smaller he seems he may fill up
his shoes he may fill up his clothes
the usual spaces he fills but something
is missing whatever they say whatever
they think he is not what he was
and the room in her mind is open she
walks in and out as she pleases she says
what she pleases she says what she means.
It is ambiguous. I suppose that is the point. The best literature for me to teach is the kind that gives the kids enough to be interested in, but they still don’t have a clear idea of what is going on. We spend the day looking at the poem from every angle we can find, or at least that is the plan.
Yesterday, pretty immediately, someone in the back shot their hand up and did not wait for me to call on them. “Ms. Norman, this poem is about rape.” It wasn’t a question. It is rare for a fifteen-year-old to speak about anything with this kind of authority, let alone poetry. A few kids chimed in to agree with the first student and I admitted that I often read the poem that way, even if you don’t have to. I was about to launch into an explanation of other ways this poem could be read.
“Ms. Norman” another kid called, “Have you heard about that rape case in Ohio? Those guys got convicted. They have to go to jail. They are going to lose their scholarships. They were going to D-1 schools!”
“Well…”I responded, feeling the heat crawl up my neck, “maybe they are going to jail for rape because THEY ARE RAPISTS!” I yelled those last three words at my kids and watched as some of them blinked in surprise. Apparently, the thought had never occurred to them that these athletes who were convicted of rape, were in fact rapists.
It is a strange thing about looking into the face of a 15-year-old, to really see who they are. You still see the small child that their mother sees. You see the man or woman they will be before they graduate. They are babies whose innocence you want desperately to protect. They are old enough to know better, even if no one has taught them.
I realized then that some of my kids were genuinely confused. “How can she be raped?” they asked, “She wasn’t awake to say no.” These words out of a full fledged adult would have made me furious. I did get a good few minutes in response on victim blaming and why it is so terrible. But out of the face of a kid who still has baby fat, those words just made me sick. My students are still young enough, that mostly they just spout what they have learned, and they have learned that absent a no, the yes is implied.
It is uncomfortable to think that some of the students you still call babies have the potential to be rapists. It is sickening, it is terrifying, but it is true.  It is a reality we have to face. My students have lived in a world for fifteen years where the joke “she probably wanted it” isn’t really a joke, they need to unlearn some lessons that no one will admit to teaching them.
Standing in front of my classroom and stating that a woman’s clothing choice is never permission to rape her should not be a radical act. But only a few heads nodded in agreement. Most were stunned, like this was a completely new thought. The follow up questions were terrifying in their earnestness. “Ms. Norman, you mean a woman walking down the street naked is not her inviting sex? How will I know she wants to have sex?”  A surprisingly bold voice came out of a girl in the back “You’ll know when she says, you want to have sex?!”
If you want to keep teens from being rapists, you can no longer assume that they know how. You HAVE to talk about it. There is no longer a choice. It is no longer enough to talk to our kids about the mechanics of sex, it probably never was. We have to talk about consent, what it means, and how you are sure you have it. We have to teach clearly and boldly that consent is (in the words of Dianna E. Anderson) an enthusiastic, unequivocal YES!
What came next, when the idea of a clear yes came up, is the reason I will always choose to teach freshmen. They are still young enough to want to entertain new ideas. When we reversed the conversation from, “well she didn’t say no,” to “she has to say YES!” many of them lit up. “Ms. Norman,” they said, “that does make a lot more sense.” “Ms. Norman,” they exclaimed, “that way leaves a lot less confusion.” When one of the boys asked, well what do you want me to do, get a napkin and make her sign it, about four girls from the back yelled, YEAH!
What happened in Steubenville makes me sick, but we are kidding ourselves if we think that it is not representative of what is happening in basement parties after the homecoming game all across America. Our kids want to talk about it. They need to talk about it. We need to have conversations about consent that are not centered around what should have been done, but are instead centered on what will be done in the future. Our teens can handle it, I promise they can.
A strong understanding of consent as an enthusiastic and unequivocal yes is essential to reversing the culture that our teens have grown up in. The amazing thing is the way my students responded to the conversation. Our students want a better way, it is our responsibility to show it to them, even if it is scary, especially when it might make us uncomfortable.
Our students are paying attention. They do care about what is going on in the world. They do listen and are capable of advanced thought. I am done selling out the ninth-graders that traipse through my room every day. The news will no longer invade my classroom, instead I will invite it.

It will never end... sigh

Well this last few weeks have been so much fun, and so busy... wait not really.  We did have a bit of fun with my daughter being in the American Girls Fashion show, BUT our car died, and then  my husband's grandfather died and we have had my mother in law and brother in law staying with us for about two weeks now.  They just left for Florida this evening.  The most annoying thing is that we don't have a car, and we are borrowing a truck from my husbands ex wife, which is really sweet of her, but I'm not super confident in driving the big rear wheel drive truck and so my husband, who usually drives when we drop her off and pick her up from head start and now some "concerned" parent just had to call in and say that they felt that he was "hanging out" or behaving "suspiciously".  So his PO calls and asks what he was doing and he says just drooping our daughter off and picking her up like normal.  He is so annoyed about this that he has decided as soon as we have our own car again that he is not going to drive us any more because he just doesn't want her getting ridiculed in school because of who her dad is.  SIGH... GIRRR.. People NEED to calm the crap down!  SIGH... it just wont go away and people wont ease up.  I almost want to type up a little flyer and tell people about every thing, and tell them all to ASK me if they have any questions or concerns...But I know that it just wont help... SIGH

I feel like writing, what I feel like writing about I could not tell you; so here I am just typing what ever comes out of my fingers.  I'm feeling kinda down right now, I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that our food stamps got cut, our medical was put on suspension for a month so my appeal for my tummy tuck has to be restarted, our car's tyranny went and we cant afford to pay for it to be fixed and we really don't have any money to buy a new car.  Crossing fingers our taxes come back SOON so we can get a new car... I forgot how helpless it feels when you don't have a vehicle.  And to top it all off my husbands PO is getting promoted and my husband has to get a new PO, and that scares me.  We have dealt with good PO's and bad PO's, but I'm not sure my psyche can handle another BAD PO.  The last bad one has already given me a complex.  Its so bad that I've even gotten his current PO to not knock on the door like a battering ram any more, lol.  I actually asked him one day if there is a class on "knocking on doors" that teaches them to pound on it as hard as possible.  I told him that every time he dose that my heart jumps out of my chest and it sends me into a near panic attack.  Now he knocks the "shave and a hair cut two bits" knock- gotta love a PO with a sense of humor. But the change makes me nervous, we have almost exactly one year left on the current probation and oh how I want to be out from under that fear.  Not that his current PO is difficult or anything.  He goes to check in once a month and the PO might or might not stop by once month and that's all but still it would be nice.  I know my husband has to register until 2025 or some thing like that, which SUCKS only because if we move the person who can and does get the rawest end of the stick is our daughter.  As it is I am slowly and methodically infiltrating the parents of my daughters Head Start Class, lol.  I'm even on the policy counsel and I can see changes happening from my advise and experiences, which makes me feel better, but still no one but 2 friends showed up for her birthday party, which we had at the local casino so the kids could go swimming.  Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey who wants to bring their kids to a "sex offenders" daughters birthday- who knows that guy who slept with a 15 ALMOST 16 yr old (she turned 16 two weeks after the incident)  20 yrs ago might be a danger to little kids that are 5 yrs old.  Sigh.

We have been working on switching up my meds, I've been taken off the ADD med.  I didn't think I was ADD but my concentration issues made the last med's DR curious, that and my counselor thought I might be ADD b/c I'm so bad at math.. NOPE my new meds Dr thinks I may have brain damage from when I had H1N1 in 2009, either from the 104 temp I ran for over a week, or from the Hypoxemia (low blood oxygen) that I had for over 2 weeks when I was on the ventilator.  Any of that could have done damage to my brain.  I've always thought that all my concentration issues, and brain farts, and everything was due to a mental break down from my daughter dying and now I find out it could be from the other traumatic event that happened that God Awful Year.  The crappy thing is that my medical insurance wont cover the testing to find out if that's whats happening or not. 

I did however find out last week that me with out my flexeral (muscle relaxer) and klonipin (anti anxiety med) and the week of my girls birthday do not mix.  Because of the mix up with our medical I ran out of those two mends, and I kinda fell into a state of mild panic, and my back started to tense up and freeze again, and with nothing to help my back relax, and nothing to stop that panic attack I was literally non functioning.  I was perpetually cold, I was going to bed at like 9pm, and still taking a 3 hour nap in the afternoons.  I hurt so bad I could barely move and I was cranky.  I hate being cranky,  I hate feeling short with my daughter, I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to waste my time and her time together being cranky.  Life is too short to live it cranky.

In other things, I've been reading the 50 Shades of Grey books, 2 down 1 to go, and let me tell you for the whole of the first book I was in a deep conflict with myself.  I saw parts of me in the "submissive" role, but at the same time I don't see myself as purely "sub".  I was irritated with myself because I felt like I was giving my "power" away, or some BS like that.  And then I had a situation with a newer friend where she had a flash back and I switched from, serving people mode into protective, "mama bear" solid rock, mode and I realized that yes I am and can be both.  The sad thing is with this realization came a realization that one of my friends who I really thought I trusted has been disrespecting me for most of if not all of our friendship.  I decided that I can't allow this anymore, This was a very difficult conclusion for me to come to and I'm deeply hurt by it, but I'm also very angry at him for over 6 years of disrespect.  He has disrespected me in my own personal boundaries in that the manner that he flirts is consistently pushing my boundaries of what is ok and not ok, bordering on sexual harassment; he has always liked me and I've not returned those feelings and he has never changed his behavior to match my requests.  He has disrespected me in my relationships; he bad mouths and judges my husband and then spreads discontent among my other friends which adds strain to my friendships.  He disrespects me  in my friendships by talking badly about me behind my back and assuming he can do things better than I do in certain business situations, and he disrespects me in my trust because he has talked about things that I've told him in confidence and not kept them confidential.  A simple yet typical expression of this disrespect is this.  When I meet him he gave me 2 books to read about the Pollyamery/Open Relationship life style.  I read them in the first month because I felt I was showing him a level of respect to understand him better.   Likewise I gave him a book series to read, just 3 fiction novels but I'm the kind of person who finds truth and lessons in every thing I read.  There are quite a few lessons I can see in these books,  He has had these books for over 6 years and he has not read a single one yet.  So now I'm at this point that I will not continue with my friendship with him unless he reads those books,   I have mixed feelings about doing this.  I don't often Demand anything from my friends to be my friend, but I'm tired of not being respected and taken for granted.  I guess for once I just really need to SEE some action.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  BUT I keep having to remind myself that I'm NOT being a Bitch or unreasonable, hence the need to type this out.

ALSO I'm still in school, and if I can pass my geology class this semester I will actually FINALLY have my AA degree!!!  One more step towards my goal of being a psychologist, however now I've been advised to write a book, and consider going into teaching psychology, so um... WOW  I don't know what I'm going to do in the future.
We still want to get a farm and raise Alpacas.  AND I still want to get the groups set up to help people who have lost children, and for Sex Offenders and their families on how to deal with the repercussions of being a Sex Offender.  I even want to start a program to help prevent teens and young adults from becoming sex offenders or from getting others in trouble as a sex offender.  Of coarse all of this takes SOOO much learning, and SOOO many more years of schooling so I still have a LONG journey to go on that aspect. 

On a different topic my daughters just turned 5 yrs old and my little angel on earth is now in gymnastics, and all prepped to be in kindergarten next year.  We finally got her on SSI so finances are a little better, but not wonderful- not having a car is killing me.  She even gets to be in the American Girl Fashion show next weekend, she gets to be a "biddy baby" in paisley pink pajamas, and she gets a free outfit!  How kewl is that?!  She is so excited, and I'm so happy that we could get this set up for her.  I don't know what will come of this for her but hey its gonna be a great experience I think, hope.

WOW this is a long post.  I'm sorry, I don't know if anyone is actually still reading this, but ya know I do feel a little better having gotten so much of this stuff out of my head and hopefully out of my moods.  I'm so tired, and my back and neck hurts, but we have a friend coming over to play cards, and I miss my adult time with her and my husband so even though I want to go to sleep I'm not going to b/c I would rather spend some time with my friend. I don't have a lot of friends up here, we live where my husband grew up and honestly I love it. I love the scenery, and the slower lifestyle and the less people and everything but I am 3 to 4 hours away from my friends and my sister and father.  Some of my friends have accused my husband of taking me up here to get me away from my support system, but its really more of the fact that its cheeper to live up here and we are closer to his kids.  BUT hey my friend is here so talk to all later.