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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Advise for Sex Offenders Spouces

When I think about how my life has changed since I married my husband, "the scary" "dangerous" sex-offender, I often find it difficult to really see a change per say.  I think having children and losing a child has changed my life far more dramatically than my husbands status as a sex offender.   The main changes deal with community activities and acceptance and since I've always felt like an outsider in most communities that is not a big change to me.  I do admit that my few experiences on television have been interesting.  And I may never stop being irate over people's ignorance and mean spirited behaviors that ignorance breeds. I can tell you that as a person who has had very little interaction with the law adjusting to the rules and regulations placed on my husband has been an experience, and there is so much to learn. 
If I were to give advise to someone who is planning on spending their life with a sex offender no matter what level they are give one of the most important things to do it to make sure you KNOW almost every detail of the offense, keep copy's of ALL documentation regarding the original offense and any probationary statutes and state laws on file and easily accessible because you never know when your going to need to show proof for what ever may be happening.  If a PO officer stops by your house and you have a bottle of wine in the kitchen, you better make sure that your spouse is aloud to have alcohol around.  If your spouse can then have that documented proof on hand.  If you have children make sure your significant other is aloud to be around your children.  If you are unsure, find out, if it looks like it is not aloud but you think it should be, talk to their PO.  A PO can be your best friend or your worst nightmare and unfortunately this is not something you can really influence.  Every PO is different and there are good ones and bad ones.  My husband had a bad one at one time and I'm telling you that woman gave me a complex.  I felt as if she was constantly trying to find ways to get my husband in trouble and put back in jail.  I started having panic attacks every time she wanted to meet with him, and every time she called him.  She took every question we asked her as an assault to her authority and therefore was very hostile toward myself and my husband.  The PO my husband has now is very reasonable and I do not feel threatened by him.  I know that he will be fair and even tempered no matter what comes up.
Nevertheless I keep all documantation I need with in easy find and reach at all times at home and in the car.  I make multipule copies of all documents just so if anyone questions ANYTHING I have the proof right there and then.
To this extent I have to say I've done my own homework.
I've spoken to just about everyone involved in all situations so I know all angles of the situations.  I've attended a sex offender supervision coarse so that I know what to look for and I understand some of the psychology behind many sexual offenses, and I have the documentation proving that I've atteded these classes.  We have also gone in front of a judge and gotten me listed as an approved supervisor for my husband and I have this information on hand as well.  I help make sure my husband gets any and all paperwork turned in on time, and when we do move I double check the local laws regarding sex offenders because different cities, counties, states and countries have different laws.  It is a mistake to think that the PO or the local government will convey pertinent information to the place you plan to move to; we have made this mistake before.  Also it is very important to open EVERY piece of mail from any governmental agency because even if you think its just a copy of some paperwork for your records it may be a paper that needs to be signed and sent back or some other vital information that if not handled could add up to a violation of a law you never knew existed.  And believe me there are TONS of laws you NEVER knew existed.  For instance did you know that if a level 3 sex offender, currently on probation, moves to North Dakota that state will automatically start civil commitment proceedings and could decide to have this person permanently committed to a mental hospital for the safety of the public and the individuals own safety.  Or how about Missouri?  In Missouri if a sex offender moves to Missouri both the sex offender and their spouse are subjected to yearly polygraph tests and are required to attend counseling in order to live together, whether or not they have children together or not.  And of coarse non of this is paid for by the state that is requiring these actions. 
I think the biggest piece of advise I would give is this.  BEFORE YOU THINK OF MOVING CALL AND FIND OUT WHAT THE SPECIFIC SEX OFFENDER LAWS ARE IN THE AREA YOU WANT TO MOVE TO.  Also important to look into is how many sex offenders currently live in this area.  If your married to a level 3 and there will be a public announcement and your also the first level 3 to move to this area be careful, its much easier to single you out and people can be cruel.  One place we moved to we had our tires slashed 4 or 5 times in the first month we lived there because some creep stood up in the meeting and told the whole lot of the people there what our car looked like.  Its hard as hell for a sex offender to find a job, let alone one that pays decent and those extra tires were not easy to afford. 
As a Spouse of a sex offender life is not easy and people are cruel but if you can be prepared and informed it makes things much much easier. 

11 comments:

  1. Hi, I have been married to a sex offender for almost 10 years now..I agree with all you posted above.. Just want to ask you a couple of questions: why didn't you speak of what you were taught about recognizing the >Red Flags< and have you ever experienced any from your husband? I say this because it's very important for us not to be naive and actually assume they are really innocent (They ALL say they're innocent!) I used to believe that my husband was innocent, but now..I have serious doubts about it all!!

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    1. I have not replied about the red flags because My brain is simply not willing to focus on that atm.. I've been having a lot of anxiety and depression issues these last few months.. So I don't feel qualified to answer that atm... but I've not seen any red flags from my husband, b/c we are ALWAYS together, and he is NEVER with ANY children alone, he makes sure of it. We are very open and honest. I guess the simplest red flag to look for is deception and secrets. Other life stressors can trigger the red flags.

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  2. This is actually a really good question, and the simple answer is I just did not think to include that information. I'm not really used to blogging so this is new for me and I appreciate the question. Give me a few days and I'll pull out all the info I have and try to give you a thorough explanation of any "red flags". I'd say the biggest thing to look for is secretive activity. If your husband is not willing to own up what happened and makes excuses for what ever happened that's not a good sign. Guilt is a good thing, it shows that people realize what they did was wrong. Shame is bad because it just perpetuates the negative and hurtful behaviors. Also since most sex offenses are based from the need for control and power its good to know what triggers your husband has that make him feel out of control because when a person feels out of control they are more likely to fall back into a pattern that allows them to feel like they are in control. Its the same concept as people with eating disorders or other addictions. People who feel out of control of themselves and their lives will look for a way to find that control and that often leads to negative behaviors. Like I said though I'll get you a better list in a few days. :0) Thanks for the question. This is exactly why I started this blog, and I hope that we can collectively help each other threw these obstetricals. If you want more info on other things check out WWW.ReformeSexOffenderLaws.com it has a TON of information about the laws and consequence of living with the laws.

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  3. I WAS married to a Sex Offender for 19 years....and lived through the probation, through the jail time etc. All to have him leave for teenage girls in another country. From this experience, I know the laws need to change because I know some people truly make a bad decision. There are plenty that are truly predators and deserve to live in HELL because you will never ever change those people. I wish you all the best, it is NOT easy! I cannot tell you how happy I am the Mister Creep is out of my life, and out of my children's lives.....What a waste of space he is!

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  4. My name is samantha and i married a sex offeneder in febuary. He hasnt been on probation or parole since i met him. He is kind a.d gentle. He did two months in county. He told me everything and showed me proof and i have had him teach me everything. Im not saying all sos r this way but everyone deserves to b happy. My husband loves me and i love him. Its taking me awhile to find the man of my dreams and i found him. To the first comment im with u too. Knowing is the best thing.


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  5. I too was married to a sex offender. I wanted to believe what he said was true,"He didn't do it" and I did choose to believe him. I stood by him, I went through the probation with him. Having his PO stop by the house to invade our privacy. Living in fear they would take my kids. Stressing everytime I went to work I'd come home to him being hauled off to jail. I would have panic attacks in my sleep. But I am a christian and so is he so I believed him. When all this was over and he was released we moved away to start over. Life would be great! We decided to have another baby, this would make 5 children for us. Life was good until his job found out and fired him. He couldn't get a job, he started drinking again. I went off to work and not even 3 years later he was arrested for sex crimes again and is now serving 20 years. He is guilty, he did it. I look back over the years and the signs were there. He never touched our kids... in fact he was over protective. He didn't want anything happening to them like what happened to him when he was a child. He was a good husband and a great Dad. But what he has done has hurt our children. Maybe some can be rehabilitated, maybe after 20 years of no offences the should be released from having to register,idk, I just know in his case and many others they will re-offend and as women & wives we shouldn't have to watch over them.If they are truly rehabilitated, it should never happen again.

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  6. I was dating a sex offender for almost a year, life came to a screeching halt three days ago when his PO contacted CPS on me. I used to read your blog everyday it was what gave us hope. I am so glad for you and your family because my kids, him and I are devastated by this. But I know these people are only "doing their jobs" it is all just very confusing.

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    1. I was ordered I can no longer live with the SO if I wanted to keep my children. Even though his offense was 13 years ago. Even though my children love and miss him. Even though CPS interviewed the children 3 times and found nothing wrong.

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  7. Cassie, the best thing to do if you have children and your partner is a sex offender is to sit down with the PO and talk it all out. Find out if the PO has any concerns; write up a "safety plan" and see if there are classes in your area that you can get trained in how to be a supervisor for your partner. I'm here if you need me. :-) I'm sorry life can suck so much sometimes. I don't know your partners back ground, but I still firmly believe unless you are dealing with someone who is absolutely attracted to children the best way to help a person keep from re-offending is by giving them a good support system and not trying to "rehabilitate" them because that only takes a person back to where they were before the offense but to "rehabilitate" so they are able to make good and appropriate decision in their life.

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  8. My fiance is a registered offender. He admits to his wrong doing. We are planning to marry in January 2014. I have faith he knows what he did was wrong. He was with someone 16yo when he was 20. They were on again, off again and what he did he didnt see wrong until she cried rape, only to withdrwa the charges. He served 3 years and has 0 years probation with lifetime sentence of being an offender. It is sad but I will stand by him. He is a good person and was raised right. He was 16 and had his first child with a 20yo. Age made no difference where he came from living and things are different there. But reality has slapped him in the face and he regrets all his wrong doings. He has changed and is on the right path. I hold strong our love will overcome all this. I am saddened by those of you who were hurt by yours in the end, but I pray that there are those who never have to face that. I know in my heart that what we have is strong and he will not re-offend. I am thankful that you started this blog, I have been wanting to talk this through with others in the same situations and feel now I have somewhere to turn to talk if I need.

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  9. That is partly why I started this blog. One of my goals in life is to get the right training to help families with the riggers of dealing with what or society can do to a person who is a convicted sex offender. I am fully aware that there are truly horrible people out there in the world who "spoil" it for others but there are also men like your fiance and my husband who did not see what they did as wrong initially but have grown and learned and matured and in some cases almost glad they have gone threw these situations so that they could grow and change and become better people. I feel that there needs to be a support system for those of us who are not sex offenders but who love and cherish those who do have this designation. Welcome Kerri to a small, and yet growing group of people who are choosing to live and walk a difficult but very worth while path.

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