I feel like writing, what I feel like writing about I could not tell you; so here I am just typing what ever comes out of my fingers.  I'm feeling kinda down right now, I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that our food stamps got cut, our medical was put on suspension for a month so my appeal for my tummy tuck has to be restarted, our car's tyranny went and we cant afford to pay for it to be fixed and we really don't have any money to buy a new car.  Crossing fingers our taxes come back SOON so we can get a new car... I forgot how helpless it feels when you don't have a vehicle.  And to top it all off my husbands PO is getting promoted and my husband has to get a new PO, and that scares me.  We have dealt with good PO's and bad PO's, but I'm not sure my psyche can handle another BAD PO.  The last bad one has already given me a complex.  Its so bad that I've even gotten his current PO to not knock on the door like a battering ram any more, lol.  I actually asked him one day if there is a class on "knocking on doors" that teaches them to pound on it as hard as possible.  I told him that every time he dose that my heart jumps out of my chest and it sends me into a near panic attack.  Now he knocks the "shave and a hair cut two bits" knock- gotta love a PO with a sense of humor. But the change makes me nervous, we have almost exactly one year left on the current probation and oh how I want to be out from under that fear.  Not that his current PO is difficult or anything.  He goes to check in once a month and the PO might or might not stop by once month and that's all but still it would be nice.  I know my husband has to register until 2025 or some thing like that, which SUCKS only because if we move the person who can and does get the rawest end of the stick is our daughter.  As it is I am slowly and methodically infiltrating the parents of my daughters Head Start Class, lol.  I'm even on the policy counsel and I can see changes happening from my advise and experiences, which makes me feel better, but still no one but 2 friends showed up for her birthday party, which we had at the local casino so the kids could go swimming.  Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey who wants to bring their kids to a "sex offenders" daughters birthday- who knows that guy who slept with a 15 ALMOST 16 yr old (she turned 16 two weeks after the incident)  20 yrs ago might be a danger to little kids that are 5 yrs old.  Sigh.

We have been working on switching up my meds, I've been taken off the ADD med.  I didn't think I was ADD but my concentration issues made the last med's DR curious, that and my counselor thought I might be ADD b/c I'm so bad at math.. NOPE my new meds Dr thinks I may have brain damage from when I had H1N1 in 2009, either from the 104 temp I ran for over a week, or from the Hypoxemia (low blood oxygen) that I had for over 2 weeks when I was on the ventilator.  Any of that could have done damage to my brain.  I've always thought that all my concentration issues, and brain farts, and everything was due to a mental break down from my daughter dying and now I find out it could be from the other traumatic event that happened that God Awful Year.  The crappy thing is that my medical insurance wont cover the testing to find out if that's whats happening or not. 

I did however find out last week that me with out my flexeral (muscle relaxer) and klonipin (anti anxiety med) and the week of my girls birthday do not mix.  Because of the mix up with our medical I ran out of those two mends, and I kinda fell into a state of mild panic, and my back started to tense up and freeze again, and with nothing to help my back relax, and nothing to stop that panic attack I was literally non functioning.  I was perpetually cold, I was going to bed at like 9pm, and still taking a 3 hour nap in the afternoons.  I hurt so bad I could barely move and I was cranky.  I hate being cranky,  I hate feeling short with my daughter, I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to waste my time and her time together being cranky.  Life is too short to live it cranky.

In other things, I've been reading the 50 Shades of Grey books, 2 down 1 to go, and let me tell you for the whole of the first book I was in a deep conflict with myself.  I saw parts of me in the "submissive" role, but at the same time I don't see myself as purely "sub".  I was irritated with myself because I felt like I was giving my "power" away, or some BS like that.  And then I had a situation with a newer friend where she had a flash back and I switched from, serving people mode into protective, "mama bear" solid rock, mode and I realized that yes I am and can be both.  The sad thing is with this realization came a realization that one of my friends who I really thought I trusted has been disrespecting me for most of if not all of our friendship.  I decided that I can't allow this anymore, This was a very difficult conclusion for me to come to and I'm deeply hurt by it, but I'm also very angry at him for over 6 years of disrespect.  He has disrespected me in my own personal boundaries in that the manner that he flirts is consistently pushing my boundaries of what is ok and not ok, bordering on sexual harassment; he has always liked me and I've not returned those feelings and he has never changed his behavior to match my requests.  He has disrespected me in my relationships; he bad mouths and judges my husband and then spreads discontent among my other friends which adds strain to my friendships.  He disrespects me  in my friendships by talking badly about me behind my back and assuming he can do things better than I do in certain business situations, and he disrespects me in my trust because he has talked about things that I've told him in confidence and not kept them confidential.  A simple yet typical expression of this disrespect is this.  When I meet him he gave me 2 books to read about the Pollyamery/Open Relationship life style.  I read them in the first month because I felt I was showing him a level of respect to understand him better.   Likewise I gave him a book series to read, just 3 fiction novels but I'm the kind of person who finds truth and lessons in every thing I read.  There are quite a few lessons I can see in these books,  He has had these books for over 6 years and he has not read a single one yet.  So now I'm at this point that I will not continue with my friendship with him unless he reads those books,   I have mixed feelings about doing this.  I don't often Demand anything from my friends to be my friend, but I'm tired of not being respected and taken for granted.  I guess for once I just really need to SEE some action.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  BUT I keep having to remind myself that I'm NOT being a Bitch or unreasonable, hence the need to type this out.

ALSO I'm still in school, and if I can pass my geology class this semester I will actually FINALLY have my AA degree!!!  One more step towards my goal of being a psychologist, however now I've been advised to write a book, and consider going into teaching psychology, so um... WOW  I don't know what I'm going to do in the future.
We still want to get a farm and raise Alpacas.  AND I still want to get the groups set up to help people who have lost children, and for Sex Offenders and their families on how to deal with the repercussions of being a Sex Offender.  I even want to start a program to help prevent teens and young adults from becoming sex offenders or from getting others in trouble as a sex offender.  Of coarse all of this takes SOOO much learning, and SOOO many more years of schooling so I still have a LONG journey to go on that aspect. 

On a different topic my daughters just turned 5 yrs old and my little angel on earth is now in gymnastics, and all prepped to be in kindergarten next year.  We finally got her on SSI so finances are a little better, but not wonderful- not having a car is killing me.  She even gets to be in the American Girl Fashion show next weekend, she gets to be a "biddy baby" in paisley pink pajamas, and she gets a free outfit!  How kewl is that?!  She is so excited, and I'm so happy that we could get this set up for her.  I don't know what will come of this for her but hey its gonna be a great experience I think, hope.

WOW this is a long post.  I'm sorry, I don't know if anyone is actually still reading this, but ya know I do feel a little better having gotten so much of this stuff out of my head and hopefully out of my moods.  I'm so tired, and my back and neck hurts, but we have a friend coming over to play cards, and I miss my adult time with her and my husband so even though I want to go to sleep I'm not going to b/c I would rather spend some time with my friend. I don't have a lot of friends up here, we live where my husband grew up and honestly I love it. I love the scenery, and the slower lifestyle and the less people and everything but I am 3 to 4 hours away from my friends and my sister and father.  Some of my friends have accused my husband of taking me up here to get me away from my support system, but its really more of the fact that its cheeper to live up here and we are closer to his kids.  BUT hey my friend is here so talk to all later.