Things I Feel

I feel like I've been supposed to post something for a while now.  As usual I don't exactly know where this posting is going to go but heck I'll try.  One thing I've been thinking about is my experience with PHP.. Partial Hospitalization Program... Someone said that I'm a secondary victim from my husbands crime. Gosh How I riled and rebelled against this concept.  I felt as if the lady saying this, was implying that my beloved husband; who has been my rock for so long, who is the other half of me, the parts of me that I can never explain; was STILL victimizing people, like he is still out there committing crimes, but he isn't.  I was so mad at that woman,  but when I came home and told my husband he agreed with her.. He keeps apologizing for putting me threw all of this stuff.  He says that our children are tertiary victims from his error, face it his crime.   I feel like he is now ALSO a victim because of the way the laws are phrased, and he suffers just as much if not more than we all do.  The weight of his mistakes weighs so very heavily on his heart. No matter what the circumstances what he did was wrong. What I wish people could see is how different he is now.
This last fall a new family moved into a house across the street from us. They happen to have a daughter that is exactly the same age of my daughter, in fact they were in the same Head Start class, and  so in my daughters mind this is her friend so of coarse she ran strait over to her friends house.. They have a BIG trampoline and the girls got right down to playing.  Initially I was ecstatic; look here was a child my daughter already knew who was so close so she could play with.
Well I followed, because surprise surprise, the sex offender and his wife doesn't let our daughter run rickshaw over anyone or just generally unsupervised, Then since we as a family HAD BEEN about to go for a walk, my husband also followed me over. We made some small talk and I thought everything was ok..THEN like a month later my step daughter got a NASTY message from the mother, in her "other" box, telling her to tell me about the other box and low and behold I found 2 messages, one from the mother and one from the father... Both were particularly venomous, and I had to revise my response about 5 times, because I wanted SOOOO badly to defend him, to tell them the whole story to shove down their throats that my husband is not this horrible person, but he kept counseling me that it would not help and would only back fire, so instead I simply said..."i'm sorry to have inconvenienced you and we will keep our distance." Well now its spring and its time to play outside again, and these people had the guts to tell their daughter that my husband, my daughters beloved  daddy is in jail.
Oh the anger in that little girl..she was just livid that someone would say something so mean and 'untrue' about her daddy "because he is the best-est, ever ever ever!"  When I confronted her with this information I explained that we all make mistakes, and I asked her what consequences she had to deal with when she makes mistakes and doesn't follow the rules?  And she said she gets a time out.  So I told her that a LONG LONG time ago her daddy made a mistake, he didn't follow the rules, and he needed an adult time out. And for adults that is when people go to jail. And sometimes people have to have time outs to think about what they have done and really learn from their mistake. She got soooo mad at me.  So very mad, didn't want to talk to me,  I was telling "lies/stories about her daddy"  It took her a while to calm down from that.
I keep having to tell her to NOT yell at them even though she is just like her mommy, wants to defend her daddy.  I was soo soo soo mad.  I wanted to march over there and tell them that they better not open their mouths about my husband ever again, I wanted to ask them if they had EVER smoked pot, or done any other kind of drug or if they drink and get drunk? Because if they have I could conceivably tell my daughter that they are drug addicts, and alcoholics, and then how would they feel?  But I haven't... I've been being a good girl.. hubby has suggested that if they keep these verbal assaults up to go to the police and file something against them. I'm suddenly so glad we decided to move our daughter to a different school system.  She doesn't need to grow up as "that sex offenders daughter'. I"m not really proud of this but on one nice day I sat outside the WHOLE day reading a book for my school, and I know that I interrupted THEIR day b/c they are SOOO worried about us seeing them.  I felt just a bit too much glee.. but really they yelled at their daughter for riding her scooter to far down the block, so that she was in front of our house.. I guess my husband went out to do some grilling and the wife and daughter were out front and when my husband was outside, their husband had to come out and "keep an eye on them" cuz you know my husband is sooooo very dangerous.. god i'm tired of stupid, judgmental, and down right rude people.
I do have to say we have a glimmer of hope shinning right now, with Obama and the MN governor passing laws about expunging records of reformed criminals,so that they can have an easier time finding jobs and housing. Now this is apparently for "non-violent" offenders, and my husband is pretty sure that a sex offender is automatically considered a violent offence. But at this point I kinda figure its worth a shot huh?  I think I'm going to be asking a number of people to give some character references and see if perhaps we could actually get ourselves into a better place in our lives.
THEN we got referred to a different church that welcomes sex offenders, and we had to have a meeting and they have rules about how to handle sex offenders, and they really weren't that bad SOOO guess who has a church again..There isn't much for the kids yet. Its a really small new church but that's also kind of exciting b/c maybe we could really help there.  AND my darling husband has actually been willing and  wanting to go to church, and he is actually listening and getting something out of the sermons, this is so very exciting for me.
AND THEN--- we got told about some kind of re-assessing of some thing and we didn't know what, and then a lady from CPS (child protective services) shows up at our door, because there is a NEW law that says if a child lives with a person that is on the sex-offender registry CPS wants to do and evaluation, and its like no one checks ANYTHING and EVERY ONE thinks that he is still on probation... the church did, the lady with CPS did everyone seems to.. But guess what people HE ISNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As of March 26th he is free.... And that lady was about to tell us that once again my husband could not be alone with our daughter.  And we were about to REALLY argue this until we explained that he is off of probation, and I have attended the sex offender supervisory classes, AND I have the official permission from the courts to be his supervisor and she backed down a lot, and even eventually said that he is aloud to do anything that is a "normal" parenting action ect.  SO we dodged that bullet.  And I am glad for this.

In other worlds I'm finally done with this semester of school and I THINK that I passed all my classes, and I THINK that my grades will be enough to pull my GPA for UMD up enough to no longer be on academic probation. AND since PHP they took me off of my Prozac, so now I'm waking up easier in the morning, but I'm still falling asleep during he day and NOW I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat or even a moment of a commercial on TV... and I'm cranky... all my patience seems to have fled and I hate this.. I feel so blargh... they did put me on a mood stabilizer but i'm not sure what its doing...and I don't get to see my councler OR my psych meds dr till June. SIGH.. AND I have a Psycho-neurological exam Friday.. fun fun.. Wish  me luck.. I want to find out if I have any brain damage from when I had H1N1 and MRSA in 2009... If I have brain damage it could make it easier for me to get SSI and that could help our money situation....any how Its bed-time so I'm signing off NIGHT

No where is Safe

So I've been having a lot of trouble with stress, and anxiety, and depression etc etc etc. SOOO my psych med's dr convinced me to go to what is called PHP.  Partial Hospitalization Program, its like a compromise between in patient therapy in a psych ward and typical out patient therapy.  Now originally I just thought I''d try to deal with some of the stuff from my daughters death, but eventually my husband's past is bound to come up.  In this case it happened because I was, venting, complaining, expressing what ever you want to call it about an issue I've had with a local church. Basically I actually tried to go to a church, and I had the audacity to go to the pastor and ask if there is a way we can make it so that my husband can attend church every once and a while...  I mean come on he cant go to any of her school concerts, so I'd like it if he could go to see her at church.

So we kinda HAD to bring up my husbands past.... and his level and all that crap... I cried yesterday but everyone didn't say much.  Then today in the middle of one of the groups, I'm told that 1. I'm talking to much about raising my daughter, that they feel like we are in a parenting class not a psycho-therapy session.  Then I"m told that me talking about my husband and him being a sex offender is triggering someone's past, and ya know that's OK.. but the girl wanted me to not go into any detail.. which actually put me on defense so I tried not to engage and just let her feel.. I kept telling the leaders that I'm trying to be as respectful as possible...and they tell me I'm doing well... 

Now of coarse I didn't go into the FULL story the first day... that's always a catch 22.  Tell whole story and have people pick it apart and judge you and make them uncomfortable OR tell them the mere basics and have the look hubby up and then they get mad b/c I've "hidden things from them".  That I'm deflecting and down playing and making excuses for him and his behavior.  Now if you've been reading my blog you know I've never said what he did was right, it was dumb and stupid, (biologically understandable but socially and morally wrong)  But one lady had to go look my hubby up and she got all upset b/c "you don't just happen to become a level 3".  Well no duh!! His path has been pretty messed up, but that's another story.  So there I was feeling very attacked and judged, and the leaders commended the group for its openness, honesty and "good work".   I was not aloud to defend my husband.   I was not aloud to tell his story b/c its only supposed to be about MY feelings.  Well ya know what?!  Ya know what I'm feeling?  I'm feeling unstable because no one will higher my husband because of his past.  I'm feeling judged by who I choose to marry, and I'm feeling rejected.  Rejected by my family, by my friends, by this group everywhere I turn.  I crave that extended family... I crave that sense of community, but I've never had this...and it seems that I'm probably never really going to find this.   The leaders did take a whole session to talk with me, and the one was soooo proud of me for really breaking down, and they did take another group session to make us all talk about that first group session.  I had to tell people how they made me feel, and they are all like "Oh well if you had not told SOOO much we would have had more sympathy for you."  And they all want me to be angry about how I cant have a "normal life" and how my daughter is treated, and how I"m a secondary victim because of how I get treated, and my daughter is a third level victim etc etc etc and to me all that says is that he is still offending people, still being a criminal rather than someone who has been threw all his therapy and has grown and learned so much.  

Right now I don't know what I want to do...they have all asked me not to quit, but parts of me really wants to.. It would prob  make finishing my school work easier if I was not spending 6 to 7 hours a day emotionally draining me.. 

Sigh.. thanks for letting me vent...