No where is Safe

So I've been having a lot of trouble with stress, and anxiety, and depression etc etc etc. SOOO my psych med's dr convinced me to go to what is called PHP.  Partial Hospitalization Program, its like a compromise between in patient therapy in a psych ward and typical out patient therapy.  Now originally I just thought I''d try to deal with some of the stuff from my daughters death, but eventually my husband's past is bound to come up.  In this case it happened because I was, venting, complaining, expressing what ever you want to call it about an issue I've had with a local church. Basically I actually tried to go to a church, and I had the audacity to go to the pastor and ask if there is a way we can make it so that my husband can attend church every once and a while...  I mean come on he cant go to any of her school concerts, so I'd like it if he could go to see her at church.

So we kinda HAD to bring up my husbands past.... and his level and all that crap... I cried yesterday but everyone didn't say much.  Then today in the middle of one of the groups, I'm told that 1. I'm talking to much about raising my daughter, that they feel like we are in a parenting class not a psycho-therapy session.  Then I"m told that me talking about my husband and him being a sex offender is triggering someone's past, and ya know that's OK.. but the girl wanted me to not go into any detail.. which actually put me on defense so I tried not to engage and just let her feel.. I kept telling the leaders that I'm trying to be as respectful as possible...and they tell me I'm doing well... 

Now of coarse I didn't go into the FULL story the first day... that's always a catch 22.  Tell whole story and have people pick it apart and judge you and make them uncomfortable OR tell them the mere basics and have the look hubby up and then they get mad b/c I've "hidden things from them".  That I'm deflecting and down playing and making excuses for him and his behavior.  Now if you've been reading my blog you know I've never said what he did was right, it was dumb and stupid, (biologically understandable but socially and morally wrong)  But one lady had to go look my hubby up and she got all upset b/c "you don't just happen to become a level 3".  Well no duh!! His path has been pretty messed up, but that's another story.  So there I was feeling very attacked and judged, and the leaders commended the group for its openness, honesty and "good work".   I was not aloud to defend my husband.   I was not aloud to tell his story b/c its only supposed to be about MY feelings.  Well ya know what?!  Ya know what I'm feeling?  I'm feeling unstable because no one will higher my husband because of his past.  I'm feeling judged by who I choose to marry, and I'm feeling rejected.  Rejected by my family, by my friends, by this group everywhere I turn.  I crave that extended family... I crave that sense of community, but I've never had this...and it seems that I'm probably never really going to find this.   The leaders did take a whole session to talk with me, and the one was soooo proud of me for really breaking down, and they did take another group session to make us all talk about that first group session.  I had to tell people how they made me feel, and they are all like "Oh well if you had not told SOOO much we would have had more sympathy for you."  And they all want me to be angry about how I cant have a "normal life" and how my daughter is treated, and how I"m a secondary victim because of how I get treated, and my daughter is a third level victim etc etc etc and to me all that says is that he is still offending people, still being a criminal rather than someone who has been threw all his therapy and has grown and learned so much.  

Right now I don't know what I want to do...they have all asked me not to quit, but parts of me really wants to.. It would prob  make finishing my school work easier if I was not spending 6 to 7 hours a day emotionally draining me.. 

Sigh.. thanks for letting me vent...