We have such big plans, hopes, dreams, what ever you want to call them. Our first goal is to get some steady income coming into this house so that we can get approved for loans for our own home. We want a farm- 50 acres- or so so we can have enough space to raise Alpaca's. Alpaca's are animals kind of between a sheep and a lama, and their coats are amazingly soft, hypo allergenic, and water proof. How Kewl is that?! We are just so tired of not being able to live our lives because no one wants to hire a sex offender, or really even his wife. Admittedly my anti work issues are a little bit different. I swear I just can't get my brain back to working. I don't know if its just a general depression from losing a child or if that event triggered a condition that I had before only had the potential for. I feel so very tired, and recently I've just been so lethargic and kind of numb. I think this has been the worst angelversary for my baby yet. My therapist seems to think I'm doing better but I sure don't feel like it.
I love my husband, he is wonderful! He puts up with all my low moods, and forgetful brain farts, and scattered way my brain has been working since 2009. He says its no big deal since I put up with all the crap that his past brings with him. I think its an ok trade off. We have been practically joined at the hip since we got married. We just don't feel the need to be apart. Partly because we don't have outside jobs, and partly because its just safer for him to go places with me so that no one can accuse him of anything and there be no defense. As odd at it might sound but it is really true, making sure that he is never really alone so there can not be any room for doubt.
When I think about it, it really does take a strong relationship to survive this kind of stigma. Most families treasure their time apart so to make their time together mean more, but we are not that way. We just work really well together and after losing our daughter and almost losing me to H1N1 in 2009, we both really do understand how special each moment with each other can be.
So pursuant of this new direction, the alpacas, I have been reading up on these little creatures almost obsessively. I've learned a lot and I'm sure I have a LOT more to learn about. I've never written up a business plan, nor do I really know how to keep books for a business. Even my charity booth at the local renaissance festival, all I've ever done is run it during the season and handle the money going out and coming in. Oh and handle the staff and the prizes.
I wonder who this fact might surprise. Yep we own a booth at the local renaissance festival. I'd been managing it for years and when we got married the previous owner gifted it to us for our wedding. That is where we meet and that is where we got married as well. Its a simple kids game, with 3 games for little kids, they play until they win and everyone wins. Our goal is to make the kids feel wonderful and to make as much fun of the drunk adults as possible. And any proceeds we make go to different charities like local high school drama groups, and college clubs, or cancer research for kids threw St. Jude. Some day I want to donate to help kids get their cleft lips and pallets fixed, like our little girl had to. I'd also like to donate to the groups that are studying SIDS and SUDC as well, so that others don't have to go threw what we have. Festival is great fun but sadly just because of my husbands level the festival wont allow him on grounds, not even as a paying customer. Now mind you he has not physically offended anyone in 18 years, but that doesn't matter to anyone. He has had paper violations and issues keeping registered correctly, and although they claim that every person has been told all the rules its very hard to keep track of what is changing and what is new and it all falls on you.
I sometimes feel like its my job as his wife to help him keep out of trouble. Its just to easy to accidentally slip up and end up back in jail and with the three strikes and your out rule in our state things can get really scary really fast.
I hate this feeling. I'm so bloody tired my eyes hurt, and I know I have more reading to do for school but I kinda don't want to, I want to go to bed super early and just sleep but that's not happening until the small one is in bed and although her bed time is 8 pm, she usually is up till about 9 to 9:30 so I'm stuck for a while at least. Well I'm off to read talk to you all later.
Oh honey, please don't ever feel like it is your responsibility to protect him! He's a grown man. I just had a revelation in the last few months that I am highly codependent. I hate that word almost as much as "denial". I know that I can't have a healthy life with my husband again until I learn to stop being that way. Of course, there are a million other things standing in the way of us having a healthy relationship, but now I see they are HIS problems to fix, not mine. Even if you aren't being taken advantage of by your husband (he sounds very nice), I would guess that the feeling of responsibility for him is part of your depression. Find a way to let that stress go!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, the alpaca farm sounds lovely. Look into the breeding market because I think there is more money there than in selling the fleece. I looked into getting a couple alpacas as pets before, but the cost of care was too high and selling the fleece wouldn't cover it. I didn't want to breed them, but you may.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
I guess its not that I feel responsible for him so much but more that I feel if he had been better supported he would not have ended up in quite as much trouble. A lot of his issues after his offense were "paper" offenses, which means that he just did not follow the rules exactly correctly, and I get that. However he is the first to admit that he was not really ready to be a better person and follow all the rules before either. The only reason he is glad that his life has panned out like it has is because it has made him a better person now, and the person he is now is a person that I can be with. He says he was not fit to be with me 10+ years ago--had we known each other back then lol == It's not always easy to follow all the rules of anything especially when the rules can be so extensive and constantly changing ya know. We are actually looking into the breeding, fiber, and fertilizer aspects of alpaca.
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