Le Sigh

So a person I know posts on Facebook that if you can give him a request and if he can do it he would do it. So I type in "find a level 3 sex offender a job" and all I get back is a  basic NO.

Gosh if this just doesn't push me more to do exactly what I want to do in Psychology.    SO I guess getting my AA really really does matter and and I am so very badly needed.

Today was my commencement, but I didn't walk this year.  I had thought I was going to finish my AA last summer, but that did not happen and it got postponed till this year, and I could have walked.  I didn't and ya wanna know why I didn't walk?  Well here it is, my state has a rule that no sex offenders are aloud on public school grounds, and the commencement was held in a local High School.  My husband is less than a year before FINALLY being off of probation and we just don't want to take any chances.  How sad is it that things like where a commencement is held is something we have to worry about.  How sad is it that some how some people are just never aloud to move on.  I guess if I had to really critize this whole situation is that it subjects people to an extended amount of punishment that other wrong-dooers are not subjected too, and it doesn't just stop at the "perpetrator" it encompasses their family and friends as well.

Hey have I mentioned that I'm a grandma?  Well I'm a step grandma but I've never gotten to see my grand-baby.  The mommy is my husbands daughter who was adopted by family members on her mothers side.  She came up to visit/live with her birth mom when she had a fight with her adoptive parents.  She asked if she could get to know her father and his "new" family; so we meet her.  And we walked her threw my husbands whole dang story, and she said she understood.  She told us that we could be grandparents, and she asked us to buy her a crib for the baby she was going to have.  I EVEN brought over a bunch of cloths from my daughter that had passed away and offered her the use of them.  We went threw the whole explanation about how I've been threw the Sex Offender supervision classes, and that I've been approved by not only the State Probation officers but also by a Judge of the State, and that he is aloud to be around any children as long as I am with him.  His PO says he is aloud to do anything that a normal parent does, and that includes seeing his children and grandchildren.

At first she seemed understanding, so we aloud ourselves to get excited, and then we were told; after the baby shower, for which we spent over 200 dollars on food for, that she was never going to let us see the baby, and had never planned to.  She has come up with every excuse possible to say that I'm lying about the our ability to be around children.  She used us, plain and simple and its so frustrating because it's just one more way that this kind of thing never ever goes away.  Maybe some how, some time I'll help to get this changed.

Maybe its the weather....

Maybe its the weather, but I'm feeling really down recently.  I can't talk or text my Best Friend up here b/c HER Boy Friend, has decided that I'm a "sick fuck", like I posted in a previous posting... I message her while she was at work and she said she missed her BF too, and she would talk to me later but SHHH, she did not want to get in trouble with her BF.  WHAT kind of person gets pissed b/c someone texts or messages or communicates with a friend.  A jackass that's what kind of person!

This dumb ass had a tough childhood, abuse and everything but hey, find me people who haven't had shitty childhoods. He choose to only feel anger, and ya know I truly believe that he is complacently accurate in this statement.  He has just become adept at blurring the lines between lust/love and anger/rage.

I had an ex boyfriend who actually brook up with me because he felt his grip on emotional control slipping and the rage from his childhood reasserting its self and he did not want to "rape" me or hurt me in any sexual way.  I think I finally really understand what that boyfriend was talking about.

I miss my friend.  I worry for her but I can't do anything because he has already threatened my family once and I cant let that happen again.  We have been threw way way to much.

On the plus side of things, I've got my AA degree now SO, I can continue on for my BA in Psychology, probably gonna have to do something with Forensics Psychology and Sociology to do all I want to do. With the Grief Studies, and the SOAP (Sex Offenders Awareness and Prevention).  I know I have to get my BAS and then my Masters.  One of my teachers said I'd make a good teacher/professor of college psychology and that I had not started to late.
 I do wish I had started this road so much earlier, maybe life would be different, but it life was different then I would not be where I am or who I am with, and I may not have my WONDERFUL husband and my children.

I get to walk commencement Wednesday, and I feel like I should be so happy but really I'm just so tired that I'm just not excited about this.  Maybe I just miss my friend.... sigh

How My Mind

OK SO my mind works in weird ways.  Let me first say that I have like a thousand or million disk CD/MP3 player in my head that is set on permanent shuffle so random songs will float threw my head at odd times, so with that said here is what my brain just thought up.
Song: Sandy From: The Musical Grease Line that played in my head:  "Sandy baby I'm in misery.   We made a start, now we're apart; there's nothing left for me.  Spoken: Stranded at the drive in..... Branded a fool... What will they say Monday at school?''
And here is where my brain jumps.  "What will they say Monday at school?"  The oh so precious illusion of a "reputation" to up hold.  The bad boys cant get dumped by the good girls; the good girls can't go out with the bad boys; people cant ever walk away from their pasts because "your reputation proceeds you" is always there.   The same goes for Sex Offenders.  A murder can go to prison and come out "a new man"; who has "served his time" and needs to be given a second chance, and be aloud to move on with his or her life.  But a Sex Offender is BRANDED for life, but its not just his or her lives that are forever changed.

Have I mentioned that my husband refused to allow our daughters to have his last name, because of the crap his older kids went threw in school. He is not aloud to go to ANY of my daughter's extra curricular activities if they are held on school grounds, because the policy of the school system is that IF he were to attend a school sponsored activity he would have a list of rules, including not being able to use a general public restroom, to the school sending a letter home to EVERY SINGLE parent of EVERY SINGLE  child who attends the school weather or not that child would be there during that specific activity.  Frankly I HATE this, I am going to have to spend my daughters entire life explaining to her why daddy wont be able to be at ANY school nonperformance, but a recent event has brought this up for me again.  My daughter recent had birthday party to go to, and my husband refused to go.   I would have appreciated it b/c I'm sinking into some layer of social anxiety or agoraphobia, and he is my rock, but he wont go.  He doesn't want the parents of these kids to remember who's daughter she is.  So now not only does she almost have NO ONE come to her own birthday party, but her daddy wont go to any other birthday parties either.  I guess some times I feel like a single parent, but not really cuz he really is there at every other moment, he just cares to much about her mental stability to purposely put her in the line of fire.

I gotta say this is VERY difficult for me, because I have very recently found out that I can be very vocal and defensive of my husband.  I REFUSE to be ashamed of him and his past and his growth in life but I am constantly being told to just let things go because it stirs the pot to much because it only makes things harder on the rest of our family.  But I want to defend him, I want to champion him, I want to stop and knock some sense into people, and MAKE them see how he has changed, and how much my daughter needs her daddy.

I'm just amazed how much other peoples opinions effect our everyday lives.  I know so many people who say they don't care but really they do; and So very many who let everyone's opinion alter and sway their own opinions until they really don't know what is their own ideas and thoughts or what is someone else's.  I wonder why so many people care so much.   I know this is generally part of our culture but I don't know why.

Ok I'm out of thoughts right now, so I'll post more later.. nights

I'll write more on this later but right now all I'm saying is WTFH!!!! This IS NOT RIGHT!!!
People will NEVER learn to live a good life if at every turn they are STOMPED further into the ground, and the worst thing to do is to REMOVE a person's personal power from the person who at one time committed an act of power--- most sexual misconducts is not a matter of SEX but of power and control in the persons life. THIS IS GOING TOOO FAR!!!

SOO here is a conversation I had with a friend of mine's new boyfriend.... I'll leave out names to keep peoples privacy but for those who are reading this who are in a similar situation this is the kind of crap that you can run into... and no I don't have any good way to really deal with this... no great words of wisdom today.. today I'm just too upset and frazzled atm...

Ok so background  is this.. Friend "A" has a daughter "E" and just got a new boyfriend "B".   Boyfriend "B" was well informed of my Hubby's past and seemed ok with it until something changed suddenly and this is what I got this am when I messaged friend "A" about how school conferences went for her this am and I got

"non of your bizz"... 

and I know that's NOT my Friend "A" that is her BF "B"so I say

 "OK "B", Was just asking my friend how things went since we have been talking to each other about our kids for 2 yrs now"
and he says "U need counselling and I'm gna do my damdest 2 keep "E" away from that sick chomo fuck u live with"(BTW I'm leaving in his misspellings b/c they piss me off even more.)So I say ""B" I am not going to begin thsi discussion with you. "J" is not a child molester and we have all been threw counseling. We have supported and loved "A" and "E" like family and we were ready to accept you and your past as well. Your anger and arrogance are countering your Nore beliefs. I will always be "A's" friend ad "E" will always be welcome here and will always be my daughter's friendSO HE SAYS " Dont count on it and yes he's a very sick fuck"So i respond with"you know normally I would engage you in this petty name calling bigitory but I don't need this and since you don't even have the balls to talk to us I'm done discussing this with you..."AND "B" says "Don't waste time with codependend (codependent) pedophile blind ho like you and your so dam sick that u let him fuck other chics that ain't love if he ain't satisfied with you"I did not respond to him.... I did have my hubby call his po and let him know that this guy is trying to start trouble

I'm very frustrated and saddend right now.. sigh...

Written by me in 2010

I agree that some people should be locked away for ever, I understand that some are just sick individuals. However as a Wife of a SO, I also see where some people just made some really poor decisions as a youth or young adult.

I really believe that there has to be differences when it comes to offenders who are violent and non violent, and when the offender is inappropriate with a person who has not reached puberty and one who has. These things are not noted in the current laws. Nor will they be if the Adam Walsh Act goes threw.

Speaking as a person living with a loved one on the registry its amazing the extent of discrimination you can now receive for a mistake made sometimes years ago. Now days being convicted of a sex crime is ridiculously easy, and just about as damning to a person, their future, family, employment opportunities, living situations and self-esteem as being diagnosed with HIV or AIDS was 20 years ago.

There is therapy in place for people who make these mistakes and as long as they are not one of the unfortunate ones who simply can not be "cured" they can come out of it simple people who want to move forward with their lives. These lists are not aiding that goal, and thus dragging would be productive, healthy, wonderful members of society down even more.

I personally have seen my husband use so much from his therapy to interact with his children, whom he is still aloud to see and even live with. He took his counseling and therapy to heart and learned and grew from it. He is not a threat to society, his was a mistake, and then rebellion of the system because he figured his life was already messed up what was the point. He sees the point now and regrets his actions, and yet he is not aloud to move on. Our daughter will most likely not be aloud to participate in girl scouts because her daddy screwed a willing 15 year old, 16 years ago. By the time she would be ready for girl-scouts it will be 20 to 25 years in the past that SHE will be paying for.

Its not the ones that are registered that I'm worried about, its the SO that aren't registered, that have not been caught, that have not gotten help, that we don't know about, who are living down the street or in the next town that I fear. I intend to raise my child with knowledge of her fathers mistakes, and to be cautious of people whom she doesn't know, and the no touching under swim suit rule. A rule, I must say my husband was never taught. However I also intend to teach her that sometimes mistakes are made and you must forgive and move on. That is the goal and supposition of our incarceration system.

I asked an officer of the law once why we have a registry for the SO's and not for murderers. I personally would like to know if someone in my neighborhood is unstable enough to commit such a violent crime. Yet when they serve their time they can move anywhere and other than working and having to admit to a felony they don't have that transgression following them around like an albatross around their neck. His answer if you will believe it was that, well Murderers don't leave their victims alive.


Don't leave their victims alive?! What are you talking about man?! The family of the deceased are still that person's victim. And correct me if I'm wrong but I believe you can go to counseling and therapy and somewhat recover from a molestation or rape, but you can not recover from death.

There is something not right in this AWA, and mainly it is not acknowledging a person's ability to grow and become better.

My own personal Plans

I found this posted by one of my Facebook friends.  This just completely validates one aspect of my future plans for my psychology degree.


I want to develop and implement a program for high-schoolers and college aged adults and I want to call it SOAP; this being Sex Offender Awareness and Prevention.  At first I had thought I would have to focus on Jr.'s and Sr.'s but this woman's posting has shown me that even Freshmen are ready and able to tackle these topics, and that this kind of education is needed. 
I do have to say I've been cautious about talking about this to much because I'm very far from having my psychology degree, and I'm kind of afraid of someone making this program before me, but really its simply something that is very necessary.  I want to focus on how all people involved in sexual encounters need to be aware of what their decisions are, and that everyone needs to be responsible for their own decisions.  If your a minor and you want to have sex, it should not be ONLY your partners responsibility to make sure the act is legal.  This means IF your underage, YOU know how old you are, and IF YOU know the other person is over 18, then YOU should not have sex with that person b/c if that other person doesn't know your age YOU DO!  I also want to focus on what being a sex offender can do to a person's life, and the lives of their friends and family.  I want kids to begin to understand how people become sex offenders, and how not to become a sex offender.  I also want people to realize what kind of trama and stress these decisions can put on others far beyond the immediate situations.  Its not just about STD's and Baby making.  Bad decisions made now can affect every aspect of their lives and their families lives from now to forever.

The Day I Taught How Not to Rape

Posted on March 19, 2013 by accidental devotional

Yesterday, the news invaded my classroom. I think the kids aren’t paying attention. I think the kids only care about the news as it relates to Justin Bieber. I think they aren’t listening or capable of advanced thought. Every single time I think one of those things, I sell out the ninth-graders that come traipsing through my room every day.
It started when I picked this poem to go over different ways to look at poetry:

Witness

Martha Collins

If she says something now he’ll say
it’s not true if he says it’s not true
they’ll think it’s not true if they think
it’s not true it will be nothing new
but for her it will be a weightier
thing it will fill up the space where
he isn’t allowed it will open the door
of the room where she’s put him
away he will fill up her mind he will fill
up her plate and her glass he will fill up
her shoes and her clothes she will never
forget him he says if she says
something now if she says something ever
he never will let her forget and it’s true
for a week for a month but the more
she says true and the more he says not
the smaller he seems he may fill up
his shoes he may fill up his clothes
the usual spaces he fills but something
is missing whatever they say whatever
they think he is not what he was
and the room in her mind is open she
walks in and out as she pleases she says
what she pleases she says what she means.
It is ambiguous. I suppose that is the point. The best literature for me to teach is the kind that gives the kids enough to be interested in, but they still don’t have a clear idea of what is going on. We spend the day looking at the poem from every angle we can find, or at least that is the plan.
Yesterday, pretty immediately, someone in the back shot their hand up and did not wait for me to call on them. “Ms. Norman, this poem is about rape.” It wasn’t a question. It is rare for a fifteen-year-old to speak about anything with this kind of authority, let alone poetry. A few kids chimed in to agree with the first student and I admitted that I often read the poem that way, even if you don’t have to. I was about to launch into an explanation of other ways this poem could be read.
“Ms. Norman” another kid called, “Have you heard about that rape case in Ohio? Those guys got convicted. They have to go to jail. They are going to lose their scholarships. They were going to D-1 schools!”
“Well…”I responded, feeling the heat crawl up my neck, “maybe they are going to jail for rape because THEY ARE RAPISTS!” I yelled those last three words at my kids and watched as some of them blinked in surprise. Apparently, the thought had never occurred to them that these athletes who were convicted of rape, were in fact rapists.
It is a strange thing about looking into the face of a 15-year-old, to really see who they are. You still see the small child that their mother sees. You see the man or woman they will be before they graduate. They are babies whose innocence you want desperately to protect. They are old enough to know better, even if no one has taught them.
I realized then that some of my kids were genuinely confused. “How can she be raped?” they asked, “She wasn’t awake to say no.” These words out of a full fledged adult would have made me furious. I did get a good few minutes in response on victim blaming and why it is so terrible. But out of the face of a kid who still has baby fat, those words just made me sick. My students are still young enough, that mostly they just spout what they have learned, and they have learned that absent a no, the yes is implied.
It is uncomfortable to think that some of the students you still call babies have the potential to be rapists. It is sickening, it is terrifying, but it is true.  It is a reality we have to face. My students have lived in a world for fifteen years where the joke “she probably wanted it” isn’t really a joke, they need to unlearn some lessons that no one will admit to teaching them.
Standing in front of my classroom and stating that a woman’s clothing choice is never permission to rape her should not be a radical act. But only a few heads nodded in agreement. Most were stunned, like this was a completely new thought. The follow up questions were terrifying in their earnestness. “Ms. Norman, you mean a woman walking down the street naked is not her inviting sex? How will I know she wants to have sex?”  A surprisingly bold voice came out of a girl in the back “You’ll know when she says, you want to have sex?!”
If you want to keep teens from being rapists, you can no longer assume that they know how. You HAVE to talk about it. There is no longer a choice. It is no longer enough to talk to our kids about the mechanics of sex, it probably never was. We have to talk about consent, what it means, and how you are sure you have it. We have to teach clearly and boldly that consent is (in the words of Dianna E. Anderson) an enthusiastic, unequivocal YES!
What came next, when the idea of a clear yes came up, is the reason I will always choose to teach freshmen. They are still young enough to want to entertain new ideas. When we reversed the conversation from, “well she didn’t say no,” to “she has to say YES!” many of them lit up. “Ms. Norman,” they said, “that does make a lot more sense.” “Ms. Norman,” they exclaimed, “that way leaves a lot less confusion.” When one of the boys asked, well what do you want me to do, get a napkin and make her sign it, about four girls from the back yelled, YEAH!
What happened in Steubenville makes me sick, but we are kidding ourselves if we think that it is not representative of what is happening in basement parties after the homecoming game all across America. Our kids want to talk about it. They need to talk about it. We need to have conversations about consent that are not centered around what should have been done, but are instead centered on what will be done in the future. Our teens can handle it, I promise they can.
A strong understanding of consent as an enthusiastic and unequivocal yes is essential to reversing the culture that our teens have grown up in. The amazing thing is the way my students responded to the conversation. Our students want a better way, it is our responsibility to show it to them, even if it is scary, especially when it might make us uncomfortable.
Our students are paying attention. They do care about what is going on in the world. They do listen and are capable of advanced thought. I am done selling out the ninth-graders that traipse through my room every day. The news will no longer invade my classroom, instead I will invite it.