Le Sigh

So a person I know posts on Facebook that if you can give him a request and if he can do it he would do it. So I type in "find a level 3 sex offender a job" and all I get back is a  basic NO.

Gosh if this just doesn't push me more to do exactly what I want to do in Psychology.    SO I guess getting my AA really really does matter and and I am so very badly needed.

Today was my commencement, but I didn't walk this year.  I had thought I was going to finish my AA last summer, but that did not happen and it got postponed till this year, and I could have walked.  I didn't and ya wanna know why I didn't walk?  Well here it is, my state has a rule that no sex offenders are aloud on public school grounds, and the commencement was held in a local High School.  My husband is less than a year before FINALLY being off of probation and we just don't want to take any chances.  How sad is it that things like where a commencement is held is something we have to worry about.  How sad is it that some how some people are just never aloud to move on.  I guess if I had to really critize this whole situation is that it subjects people to an extended amount of punishment that other wrong-dooers are not subjected too, and it doesn't just stop at the "perpetrator" it encompasses their family and friends as well.

Hey have I mentioned that I'm a grandma?  Well I'm a step grandma but I've never gotten to see my grand-baby.  The mommy is my husbands daughter who was adopted by family members on her mothers side.  She came up to visit/live with her birth mom when she had a fight with her adoptive parents.  She asked if she could get to know her father and his "new" family; so we meet her.  And we walked her threw my husbands whole dang story, and she said she understood.  She told us that we could be grandparents, and she asked us to buy her a crib for the baby she was going to have.  I EVEN brought over a bunch of cloths from my daughter that had passed away and offered her the use of them.  We went threw the whole explanation about how I've been threw the Sex Offender supervision classes, and that I've been approved by not only the State Probation officers but also by a Judge of the State, and that he is aloud to be around any children as long as I am with him.  His PO says he is aloud to do anything that a normal parent does, and that includes seeing his children and grandchildren.

At first she seemed understanding, so we aloud ourselves to get excited, and then we were told; after the baby shower, for which we spent over 200 dollars on food for, that she was never going to let us see the baby, and had never planned to.  She has come up with every excuse possible to say that I'm lying about the our ability to be around children.  She used us, plain and simple and its so frustrating because it's just one more way that this kind of thing never ever goes away.  Maybe some how, some time I'll help to get this changed.

Maybe its the weather....

Maybe its the weather, but I'm feeling really down recently.  I can't talk or text my Best Friend up here b/c HER Boy Friend, has decided that I'm a "sick fuck", like I posted in a previous posting... I message her while she was at work and she said she missed her BF too, and she would talk to me later but SHHH, she did not want to get in trouble with her BF.  WHAT kind of person gets pissed b/c someone texts or messages or communicates with a friend.  A jackass that's what kind of person!

This dumb ass had a tough childhood, abuse and everything but hey, find me people who haven't had shitty childhoods. He choose to only feel anger, and ya know I truly believe that he is complacently accurate in this statement.  He has just become adept at blurring the lines between lust/love and anger/rage.

I had an ex boyfriend who actually brook up with me because he felt his grip on emotional control slipping and the rage from his childhood reasserting its self and he did not want to "rape" me or hurt me in any sexual way.  I think I finally really understand what that boyfriend was talking about.

I miss my friend.  I worry for her but I can't do anything because he has already threatened my family once and I cant let that happen again.  We have been threw way way to much.

On the plus side of things, I've got my AA degree now SO, I can continue on for my BA in Psychology, probably gonna have to do something with Forensics Psychology and Sociology to do all I want to do. With the Grief Studies, and the SOAP (Sex Offenders Awareness and Prevention).  I know I have to get my BAS and then my Masters.  One of my teachers said I'd make a good teacher/professor of college psychology and that I had not started to late.
 I do wish I had started this road so much earlier, maybe life would be different, but it life was different then I would not be where I am or who I am with, and I may not have my WONDERFUL husband and my children.

I get to walk commencement Wednesday, and I feel like I should be so happy but really I'm just so tired that I'm just not excited about this.  Maybe I just miss my friend.... sigh

How My Mind

OK SO my mind works in weird ways.  Let me first say that I have like a thousand or million disk CD/MP3 player in my head that is set on permanent shuffle so random songs will float threw my head at odd times, so with that said here is what my brain just thought up.
Song: Sandy From: The Musical Grease Line that played in my head:  "Sandy baby I'm in misery.   We made a start, now we're apart; there's nothing left for me.  Spoken: Stranded at the drive in..... Branded a fool... What will they say Monday at school?''
And here is where my brain jumps.  "What will they say Monday at school?"  The oh so precious illusion of a "reputation" to up hold.  The bad boys cant get dumped by the good girls; the good girls can't go out with the bad boys; people cant ever walk away from their pasts because "your reputation proceeds you" is always there.   The same goes for Sex Offenders.  A murder can go to prison and come out "a new man"; who has "served his time" and needs to be given a second chance, and be aloud to move on with his or her life.  But a Sex Offender is BRANDED for life, but its not just his or her lives that are forever changed.

Have I mentioned that my husband refused to allow our daughters to have his last name, because of the crap his older kids went threw in school. He is not aloud to go to ANY of my daughter's extra curricular activities if they are held on school grounds, because the policy of the school system is that IF he were to attend a school sponsored activity he would have a list of rules, including not being able to use a general public restroom, to the school sending a letter home to EVERY SINGLE parent of EVERY SINGLE  child who attends the school weather or not that child would be there during that specific activity.  Frankly I HATE this, I am going to have to spend my daughters entire life explaining to her why daddy wont be able to be at ANY school nonperformance, but a recent event has brought this up for me again.  My daughter recent had birthday party to go to, and my husband refused to go.   I would have appreciated it b/c I'm sinking into some layer of social anxiety or agoraphobia, and he is my rock, but he wont go.  He doesn't want the parents of these kids to remember who's daughter she is.  So now not only does she almost have NO ONE come to her own birthday party, but her daddy wont go to any other birthday parties either.  I guess some times I feel like a single parent, but not really cuz he really is there at every other moment, he just cares to much about her mental stability to purposely put her in the line of fire.

I gotta say this is VERY difficult for me, because I have very recently found out that I can be very vocal and defensive of my husband.  I REFUSE to be ashamed of him and his past and his growth in life but I am constantly being told to just let things go because it stirs the pot to much because it only makes things harder on the rest of our family.  But I want to defend him, I want to champion him, I want to stop and knock some sense into people, and MAKE them see how he has changed, and how much my daughter needs her daddy.

I'm just amazed how much other peoples opinions effect our everyday lives.  I know so many people who say they don't care but really they do; and So very many who let everyone's opinion alter and sway their own opinions until they really don't know what is their own ideas and thoughts or what is someone else's.  I wonder why so many people care so much.   I know this is generally part of our culture but I don't know why.

Ok I'm out of thoughts right now, so I'll post more later.. nights

I'll write more on this later but right now all I'm saying is WTFH!!!! This IS NOT RIGHT!!!
People will NEVER learn to live a good life if at every turn they are STOMPED further into the ground, and the worst thing to do is to REMOVE a person's personal power from the person who at one time committed an act of power--- most sexual misconducts is not a matter of SEX but of power and control in the persons life. THIS IS GOING TOOO FAR!!!