Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children
We all have personal likes and things that make us uncomfortable. “Personal space” is the private area of control inside an imaginary line or boundary that defines each person as separate.
Meara comment- This is also very CULTURALLY biased. Different cultures have different ideas of what is acceptable and what is not as far as personal space.. Heck different parts of the US have different ideas about this as well.
Ideally, that boundary helps us stay in charge of our own personal space. It helps keep out the things that make us uncomfortable - unsafe and unwanted feelings, words, images, and physical contact. Solid social rules strengthen the boundary. Behaviors that routinely disrespect or ignore boundariesi make children vulnerable to abuse.
Do you know an adult or older child who doesn’t seem to understand what’s acceptable when it comes to:
Personal Space
- Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundariesi or limits?
- Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?
- Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?
- Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?
Relationships with children
- Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information or activities, normally shared with adults?
- Has secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive time to emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth
- Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?
- Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby sits different children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason?
- Allows children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviors?
Sexual conversation or behavior
- Frequently points out sexual images or tells dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
- Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or images without apparent concern?
- Is overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly about the child's developing body or interferes with normal teendating)?
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child
Someone you care about may be acting in ways that worry or confuse you. The behaviors below may indicate a possible risk of sexual abuse to a child, but may also be a way for this adult to ask for help.
Many people with sexual behavior problemsi believe that others already suspect and often wish someone would ask what’s going on or advise them where to call to get help. Remember, you can start a conversation by pointing out harmful impacts on a child without accusing someone of abusive intentions.
Do you have concerns about someone you know in these areas of daily life?
Relationships
- Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundariesi?
- Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?
- Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?
- Encourages silence and secrets in children?
Sexual Interactions
- Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior, e.g. sexualized threats or insults, like “whore” or “slut”?
- Makes fun of children's body parts, describes children with sexual words like “stud” or “sexy” or talks again and again about the sexual activities of children or teens?
- Masturbates so often that it gets in the way of important day-to-day activities?
- Has an interest in sexual fantasies involving children and seems unclear about what's appropriate with children?
- Looks at child pornographyi or downloads/views Internet pornographyi and is not willing to show whether children are involved?
- Asks adult partners to dress or act like a child or teen during sexual activity?
Personal Safety/Responsibility
- Has been known to make poor decisions while misusing drugs or alcohol?
- Justifies behavior, defends poor choices or harmful acts; blames others to refuse responsibility for behaviors?
- Minimizes hurtful or harmful behaviors when confronted; denies harmfulness of actions or words despite a clear negative impact?
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior
It can be hard to acknowledge that all of us, even children, are sexual beings, have sexual feelings and are curious about sex and sexuality. Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching.
They may peek when family members are in the bathroom or changing clothes or try to listen outside the bedroom. They may look at magazines, books, videos, and on the internet.
It can be hard to tell the difference between “normal” sexual behaviors and behaviors that are signs that a child may be developing a problem. Sexual play that is more typical or expected in children will more often have the following traits:
- The sexual play is between children who have an ongoing mutually enjoyable play and/or school friendship.
- The sexual play is between children of similar size, age, and social and emotional development.
- It is lighthearted and spontaneous. The children may be giggling and having fun when you discover them.
- When adults set limits (for example, children keep their clothes on at day care), children are able to follow the rules.
Preschool age (0 to 5 years)
Common:
- Will have questions and express knowledge relating to:
- differences in gender, private body parts,
- hygiene and toileting,
- pregnancy and birth.
- Will explore genitals and can experience pleasure.
- Showing and looking at private body parts.
Uncommon:
- Having knowledge of specific sexual acts or explicit sexual language.
- Engaging in adult-like sexual contact with other children.
School-age (6-8 years)
Common:
- Will need knowledge and have questions about
- physical development, relationships, sexual behavior
- menstruation and pregnancy,
- personal values.
- Experiment with same-age and same gender children, often during games or role-playing.
- Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
Uncommon:
- Adult-like sexual interactions,
- Having knowledge of specific sexual acts,
- Behaving sexually in a public place or through the use of phone or internet technology.
School-age (9-12 years)
Hormonal changes and external influences, such as peers, media and Internet, will increase sexual awareness, feelings and interest at the onset of puberty.
Common:
- Will need knowledge and have questions about
- Sexual materials and information,
- Relationships and sexual behavior,
- Using sexual words and discussing sexual acts and personal values, particularly with peers.
- Increased experimentation with sexual behaviors and romantic relationships.
- Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
Uncommon:
- Regularly occurring adult-like sexual behavior .
- Behaving sexually in a public place.
Adolescence (13 to 16)
Common:
- Will need information and have questions about
- Decision making
- Social relationships and sexual customs
- Personal values and consequences of sexual behavior.
- Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
- Girls will begin menstruation; boys will begin to produce sperm.
- Sexual experimentation between adolescents of the same age and gender is common.
- Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group.
- First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.
Uncommon:
- Masturbation in a public place.
- Sexual interest directed toward much younger children.
Resources on Children's Sexual Development
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse
Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:
- During a divorce
- Death of a family member or pet
- Problems at school or with friends
- Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events
Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent
- Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
- Seems distracted or distant at odd times
- Has a sudden change in eating habits
- Refuses to eat
- Loses or drastically increases appetite
- Has trouble swallowing.
- Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
- Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
- Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
- Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
- Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
- Talks about a new older friend
- Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
- Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
- Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge
Signs more typical of younger children
- An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
- Has new words for private body parts
- Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
- Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
- Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
- Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
Signs more typical in adolescents
- Self-injury (cutting, burning)
- Inadequate personal hygiene
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Sexual promiscuity
- Running away from home
- Depression, anxiety
- Suicide attempts
- Fear of intimacy or closeness
- Compulsive eating or dieting
Physical warning signs
Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare. If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor. Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.
- Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
- Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
- Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
Signs That a Child or Teen May Be At-Risk to Harm Another Child
More than a third of all sexual abuse of children is committed by someone under the age of 18. Children, particularly younger children, may take part in inappropriate interactions without understanding how it might be hurtful to others. For this reason, it may be more helpful to talk about a child’s sexually “harmful” behavior rather than sexually “abusive” behavior.
Do you know a child or adolescent who is:
Confused about social rules and interactions
- May experience typical gestures of friendliness or affection as sexual?
- Explores his or her own natural sexual curiosity with younger children or those of differing size, status, ability, or power?
- Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time with them rather than with peers?
- Takes younger children to “secret” places or hideaways or plays “special” games with them (e.g. playing doctor, undressing or touching games, etc.)?
- Insists on physical contact with a child when the child resists the attention?
Anxious, depressed or seeming to need help
- Tells you they do not want to be alone with a child, or group of children, or becomes anxious about being with a particular young person?
- Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused and has not been offered adequate resources and support for recovery?
- Seems to be crying for help, i.e. behaves as if they want to be caught; leaves “clues” or acts in ways that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues?
Impulsively sexual or aggressive
- Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior (e.g. makes sexual threats or insults)?
- Unable to control inappropriate sexual behaviors involving another child after being told to stop?
- Engages in sexually harassing behavior?
- Shares alcohol, drugs, or sexual material with younger children or teens?
- Views sexual images of children on the Internet or elsewhere?
- Forces sexual interaction, including direct contact and non-contact (like exposing genitals) on another adolescent or child?
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.
What is Considered Child Sexual Abuse?
If you are not exactly sure what sexual abuse is, you’re not alone. All sexual activity between an adult and a child is sexual abuse. Sexual touching between children can also be sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse between children is often defined as when there is a significant age difference (usually 3 or more years) between the children, or if the children are very different developmentally or size-wise. Sexual abuse does not have to involve penetration, force, pain, or even touching. If an adult engages in any sexual behavior (looking, showing, or touching) with a child to meet the adult’s interest or sexual needs, it is sexual abuse.
Child Sexual Abuse includes harmful contact and non-contact behaviors
Abusive physical contact or touching includes:
- Touching a child's genitals or private parts for sexual purposes
- Making a child touch someone else's genitals or play sexual games
- Putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth or in the anus of a child for sexual purposes
Non-contact sexual abuse includes:
- Showing pornographyi to a child
- Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child
- Photographing a child in sexual poses
- Encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts
- Inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom
Sexually abusive images of children and the Internet
As well as the activities described above, there is also the serious and growing problem of people making and downloading sexual images of children on the Internet. To view sexually abusive images of children is to participate in the abuse of a child, and may cause someone to consider sexual interactions with children as acceptable.
What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs
- Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
- Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
- See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
- If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, call or email our Helpline or visit our Online Help Center.
Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish. 123
Four R’s of Prevention
Rules (noun) – principles set forth to guide behavior or action. Ex. Everyone’s safer when everyone knows and is clear about the rules for what’s considered acceptable behavior.
Respect (noun) – to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody. Ex. Support others with respect to live up to the generally accepted rules and expectations for positive interactions, all the time.
Read (verb) – to interpret the information conveyed by movements, signs, or signals; an understanding of something by experience or intuitive means. Ex: Regularly read what’s going on around you and trust your instincts to stay aware of concerning behaviors.
Responsibility (noun) – the state, fact, or position of being accountable to somebody or for something. Ex. Responsibility for keeping kids safe belongs to every adult in the community, every day.
With the beginning of the school year, teachers, coaches, other kid’s parents, even popular students are assuming new roles of influence or authority over children. Clear, shared guidelines—the rules—about what kids should expect from these relationships let everyone know what’s acceptable and what’s considered questionable, long before there’s a problem.
Respect is the cornerstone of sexual abuse prevention—both as a way to define what makes behavior acceptable and as an essential communication tool when concerns arise. Respectful behavior is the opposite of abusive behavior.
Regularly “reading” the situations where kids play, learn, and work is an important part of prevention. To create sexually safe environments, learn to read and redirect potentially harmful behavior—like ignoring a child’s limits around hugs, kisses or tickling—before a child is harmed. Remember, the focus is prevention, not cure. Signs or signals that someone is struggling to control his or her impulses are often visible long before any sexually harmful actions.
Kids have the right to count on those with authority or influence to stay within the bounds of their particular roles: to take responsibility to follow and enforce the expected rules. Whether the lesson is math or religion, soccer or swimming, successful learning demands a level of openness and intimacy. Good teachers, coaches and others inspire kids to overcome challenges with imagination, creativity, and humor. But over time, some may consciously or unconsciously begin to ignore or gradually change the terms of the relationship, using things like secret understandings, suggestive jokes, or belittling other authority figures to engage kids. Even when there is no harmful intention, regularly breaking the expected rules can leave everyone guessing about what’s okay and createopenings to veer off from healthy behaviors.
And don’t forget—older siblings, star athletes, popular students and other kids may need help managing their influence over other children. As they mature, young people increasingly look to peers for cues about rules, often leading to confusion or misinformation. But the ultimate responsibility to provide guidance about safe relationships lies with the adults. Despite what they may say, kids depend on it.
- Decide on the rules. Talk with friends about what are appropriate rules for those in different roles of authority or influence. Then make your expectations clear to anyone influencing kids.
- Practice “reading” children’s relationships. Stay aware of the signs or patterns of change. Honor your instincts. Then speak up. Ask questions. Talk through your concerns with others.
- Be a role model of respect. Insist that others act respectfully toward you. Stay aware of how your actions affect others. Use firm, respectful language to insist that others honor the rules.
- Embrace responsibility. Be accountable. Start one conversation everyday with a friend or family member about how to fulfill adults’ responsibility to keep children safe.
Kids shouldn’t have the responsibility to recognize and challenge unsafe behaviors. A whole community of responsible adults, reading behaviors, respectfully supporting kids and other adults to understand and follow the rules—that’s the best way to prevent sexual abuse. Our kids are counting on us. And after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
And no I've not had any of these RED Flags with my husband, but I've dealt with a few from my step kids, and other kids down the street toward my child.
