I guess I should be used to this but I'm still not.. and it still hurts. I swear all my life all I've wanted was to be accepted and loved by my family; extended as well as immediate, as well as friends. Well I guess I'm not so smart because I'm married to a level 3 sex offender which pretty much makes me persona non gratta in my community as well as in my family.... Wow what a genius my determined acceptance of people no matter their past has just kept me in the position I've been in all my life. And my determination to love everyone just doesn't pay off.
What precipitated this you may ask? Well I'm still going threw counseling and my councilors keep telling me that if I don't verbalize what hurts me its never going to change and I'm never going to be able to move beyond it. Well my family is again having a family gathering and they have again not even kind of invited me. It would be understandable if they don't have enough room for me and my daughter, and I get that I just had surgery but it feels like its ALWAYS something, some reason to avoid me. And when I mentioned it to my sister she went immediately to who my husband is... That's not what I needed or wanted. I just wanted to let her know that my feelings had been hurt; to own my feelings and express them to one of the few people in my life who should always listen to me, after all I've always listened to her hurts and complaints.
And my poor husband is like; this is how I've felt all my life he. He has been rejected by all of his family his whole life b/c of things that he did, I've been reject by all of my family because I refused to stop loving my father when my parents divorced; but then I was rejected by my father in favor of his new wife and her family because I would not leave my other family. One of the great travesties of the 20th century and society and probably a great part of the down fall of so many parts of our current society. All these kids who just never feel like they fit in ANYWHERE. I think here is a reason why some people lose it and kill a bunch of people... I'm soo tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for any part of my family. My mom's family is to focused on money and HATES that I'm married to a sex offender.. "And I just have to accept that they will never accept him, and that they are always going to feel this way about him and I have to accept the conciseness of my decisions. And I choose to marry HIM." I cant tell you how much I am tired of hearing this. Did you know that they use the same wording about my husbands offence as my family does about my choice of husband. "It was your choice, your decision, you have to deal with the consequences." I don't think loving anyone should every be treated like a criminal offence. And I don't think that any of this behavior is being a Christian.
I just wish I had extended family that gave a SHIT about me, besides my one and only mother-in-law, who lives in Florida. Ok well now that I've eaten dinner my emotions are calmed down and I don't know what to say, SO I'll logg off now... thank you for listening to my break down....
