So Easter is coming and coming up fast. I've felt like writing for a while now, and just didn't know what to say. I don't really have a lot to say that specifically pertains to being the wife of a sex offender, and in general I've tried to keep this blog for things that are specifically in that arena. However with Easter looming closer I find myself ruminating, as I do most Holidays, about how much of my own life I sometimes miss out on or let myself miss out on because of my own principals.
By this I mean I miss going to church. Every holiday, I miss church. I miss the companionship, the ritual, the meanings behind everything. I miss the songs and the lessons, even the ones that I know by heart. I miss the ability to watch my daughter grow in the way of the Lord, and have friends, and grow in those friendships. I miss the choir concerts that little kids put on, and singing in the choir myself. I miss all of this, and so much more. I miss the holidays, the markings of the seasons and years passing, and the celebrations that comes with them. Sometimes I feel like a boat without a rudder, just floating along in a river and passing by everything with nothing to mark my way.
In many ways it is my fault I'm missing out on all of this, I refuse to go to a church that wont accept my husband. I refuse this because there is enough people and places that already reject my husband I refuse to subject my daughter to that amount of hatred from the spiritual side of life as well.
I watch the shows on tv. I celebrate in my heart, I worship in my heart and read my daughter the stories and show her traditions from my own youth, but its not the same.
I wonder if I'm wrong, if I should just put their hate and prejudice aside and ignore it for the sake of my own spiritual desires, and my daughters spiritual needs; or am I right and protecting her from the ever hateful world. I have tried to attend quite a few churches before and since my marriage. One church told us we needed to have a chaperon assigned to my husband, that he was not aloud to go anywhere with out that silent man shadowing him. This was annoying but tolerable. That preacher was even the one that performed our daughters funeral service, as well as he was going to do our wedding had life not gone sideways on us before then. The next church, the one my husband grew up in, told us straight out that while my daughter and I were welcome back at any time, my husband was not. He could attend a mens group but not church services because his presence makes people to nervous or uncomfortable. Next I found a local Baptist church, I grew up in Baptist Churches, so I was very comfortable, and my daughter loved it. I felt so welcome.and wonderful. That is until it was Easter, and there was a Easter morning brunch, and the children were singing, and my daughter sooooo wanted her daddy to come hear her sing and have breakfast with her. We had been talking to the preacher and he knew about my husbands past. He personally was ok with it, but was not sure of the congregations reaction. So we jumped the gun, we went as a family, and for the first time in years I was so happy. That is until the pastor called us that night and told us that again my husband was not aloud back. He admitted that his church was just not "Christian enough" to accept another person's past sins and to know that, that person has just as much forgiveness, love and redemption from the Lord as any-other of them do.
THEN we found a church that was designed especially for people with difficult pasts. They had a whole system. I had to walk my husband to the rest room and make sure no one was in it before he went in, and he was not supposed to go downstairs where children s church was held. And again everything was going fine, until my husband had to tell someone he was leaving, and had to pop his head down stairs to let his friend know this. There were no children downstairs at the moment and I was standing at the top of the stairs waiting for him. They all said how very much they didn't want to lose me, I'm such an asset to a church, I have so much knowledge and wisdom, and kindness that they always want me back. Every one wants me back, where ever I go. They all just love my daughter, she is such a light and blessing in this world. Yet they ALL, Every single one of them balk, run away or get almost violently angry at the mere thought of my husband being around. Why can't they see that he is just a man. Just a man who made a terrible decision almost 25 years ago. I won't call it a mistake, and I won't diminish it by calling it something else. He made a decision, and it was a bad one, but it saddens me so much that such a decision has mares so much of his life, our life, and our daughters life. My faith is strong, so strong that as much as I miss the fellowship I don't NEED it I wont wither and die without it, but what of my husband? His faith was born when he was 13 years old and life has been so rough for him ever since. His seed sprouted but the ground he grew in is rocky and hard and the plant that is his faith is beaten and battered, withered and dry. Still it is no longer a seed and I believe that the Lord has sealed his life and soul with redemption. My daughter has already expressed her love and devotion to Christ and accepted His forgiveness and salvation, so now my job as a wife and mother is to continue to help them both grow in their own spirituality. Yet I find now days I have to tell people that I'm a Christian, they don't just know anymore. I'm dismayed by this turn of events, I know who I am but it seems that others don't. Until I tell them and then they see it and its as if they see me, the whole me for the first time and suddenly people understand why I am what I am and why I do what I do and where my heart is, yet even my husband thinks that my Christianity is only brought out when I'm suffering emotionally or when its convenient for me. This is not the case. I can only love him because God loves me so much that He can look past my faults and my sins, and that gives me the guidance and strength to love others in the same way. My mom has told me I take following Christ's example to far in loving people who have done wrong in their lives. But I don't see how anything can be too far when Christ gave His life for us all. I miss my church, I miss my fellowship, my songs, and what used to be my world, my whole world, which now seems such a distant memory, yet forever it is written on my heart, and in my soul and I can not turn away from my faith... I've turned away from the Church and its people before but now when I crave that fellowship again, I'm denied such because of my love for my husband and my dedication to following the example that Christ has laid out for us to follow.
