I don't really know what to write about tonight. I'm sitting here watching Sleepless in Seattle, while my wonderful hubby plays his video game. I am in such a funk this evening, and I wish I knew why. Today was my daughters dance class, and I've been feeling ever more uncomfortable with the other "dance moms". I'm sure many of them know who and what my husband is and therefor judge me by that information. I hate that people will judge any situation just by rumors or facts that are now almost 20 years ago. I've tried to talk to the other mom's and they just don't seem interested. I've tried to jump into a conversation and I almost get out right ignored. So far this snubbing has not gotten passed down to my daughter, she is still loved by just about every child she meets. Its so sweet, I want her to stay this happy for as long as possible. Well back to the story... I decided to wander a bit instead of sitting in the dance dressing room. I just walked up and down the street that the dance class is on and wandered the stores. In the Hallmark Store I saw beautiful nick-knacks and cards and other stuff that would be expected, but I also saw a few things that just made me sad. There were a number of little kitschy stuff that were supposed to be funny, but really were very sarcastic and kind of mean. This set my brain thinking. Careful this is a dangerous thing for me to do. But why do we use mean things, sarcastic and negatively based phrases and ideas as humor? Why does everyone have to have a "comeback" for what ever is said. Why is negativity and meanness suddenly normal? Why does my step daughter always feel the need to have the last word and make everyone else wrong and her point as driven home as she can possibly make it? Why do people seem to try to be so difficult. Its almost like its a mark of individuality or independence. Well this train of thought started me going down one of those darker pathways in my mind, which in always leads me to my other daughters death, and all this sadness and emptiness that I hold back so much of just opens up below me like a great chasm into which I slip and plummet into and climbing out takes so much time, energy, and understanding from my poor family. So with that chasm looming close to me I continued to wander and found the guest books, which again made me think of my daughter, when I raced around looking for a guest book for her funeral, and could only find one at a Hallmark store, similar to the one I was in. I also found this little round box with a little angel on the top that said something about blessings come in small packages or something and all I could see and think about was my baby. How much I miss her, and how much that box is similar to her tiny and precious and gone. I continued my walk, and found cards of sympathy and love from husbands to wives and what not, and that just made me remember how lucky I am with my husband, but that pain and the love make a very odd combination in my psyche. Needless to say my mood has not gotten much better the rest of the night.
SIGH...
On other topics, my dear tiny dancer did not get a sticker t in today's class, so being the mom that I am I went straight to the teacher (not to yell at her) but to find out what my daughter had done. I find out that she refused to dance the tap portion of the class. As I'm getting her dressed to go she told me her feet hurt, because her tap shoes hurt her. DING DING DING light went off, lets check the size of her current tap shoes. YEPPERS they were too small. We went straight to the used dance items and found a pair of tap shoes for 5 dollars that fit perfect. WHOOT!!! I so win that round, and now there should be no issues with her participation in class.
I'm on spring break right now from my school, and eventually I WILL use this week to get caught up on my reading, but so far I've not felt like it. I don't feel like doing much right now, I do feel like crying right now for no real reason. SIGH.
Well its almost midnight so I'm gonna go to bed. Night night everyone or who ever may read this.
