Just another day...

No big deals, nothing really happening, but if I don't remember to write each day I'll soon forget to do it at all.  I'm so tired and I don't know if its the depression or what but it sucks!!  I'm watching a Criminal Minds marathon on A&E, gotta say I love this show. At least its better than some of the others.  I really wish that television shows would not portray EVERY sex offender as a pedophile and a predator who just sits around looking for a new victim.  Its just not true, even with the levels they have instituted are not always right.  But once that person has that label its almost impossible to rejoin and prosper in any way in this society.  Oh I have written a few papers for school and just random, I think I'll post theses here as well.  Hopefully it should be interesting reading.

continued...

So ya the school, the head start teachers, his PO, and every one was on hand and willing to work with us, but the other parents just did not and would not listen.  The problem is that my husband has three children from past relationships and he was not permitted to attend any of their choir concerts, or sports activities or teachers conferences and that absence severely damaged his relationship with his children.  He is such a different person now and he really wanted to do better for this daughter.  People are so cruel and operate from a basis of fear rather than knowledge so much its scary.  I'm somewhat fearful for her life in school in the future, guess we will have to take it one step at a time. 
In other parts of life, since yesterday was the 3 years since our daughter passed I'm a complete mess.  I feel like my insides are shaking all the time, and I'm so tired its ridiculous and I feel so very cranky that dealing with an almost 4 year old is very difficult tonight.  SIGH I hate this feeling..  My husband has been just so wonderful for this whole thing.  We are that weird couple who doesn't like to be apart.  We have been basically home bound for over a year now because no one will hire my husband with his past and they don't really want to hire me either because I have his last name.  Not to mention I'm dealing with depression and PTSD from my daughters death.  I am going to school for psychology and I'm doing OK, but its very difficult sometimes because the depression makes it so very difficult to concentrate so I have to read and reread a lot of books, to try to actually learn the material.  Because of this employment difficulty we have been on county assistance for 2 years now and we really want to get off of it.  And we think we know how- we are going to start an Alpaca farm, we just have to get the money together to get the place and get the heard started.  I've been reading up on all of this and I know we can do it.  And I know it can be profitable, just gotta get it going.  cross your fingers!  We just really need a occupation where no one else is in charge of our work and we can work together and provide for our family.  Oh and we want to hire other sex offenders to work as farm hands because there are so many of "them" that can't find jobs we want to help this group of people be able to live.
Ok so dinner is getting done, thank you wonderful husband, I should prob get going. 

I'm back....

Well by the kind encouragement and support I've remembered that I have a blog.  This time of year sucks for me.  January 3rd is the 3 year anniversary of our daughters death and I'm just a mess from Christmas to their birthday in February. I don't have a lot of time right now, my almost 4 year old as dance class this afternoon.  Even with my husbands past we try to give her as much of a normal life as possible.  Its not easy ,of coarse, we had set up arrangements with her school so that her father could come to all her school functions.  Sadly after a few of the parents remembered my husbands past they freaked out and refused to talk to us. We tried to make it very clear that we are present and open for all inquiries.  They even called his PO and did not like his answers because his PO says that as long as I'm there he is ok with us doing anything that "normal" parents do, ie school confinses' and other outings.  The  school system decided that it would be to much hassle to deal with frightened or angry parents, so now he is not aloud to set foot on school grounds with out prior written permission from the principle or school board.  And before that happens school has to send a letter to EVERY SINGLE parent of EVERY SINGLE child in the school even if those children will not be involved in that particular activity.  Its upsetting and annoying but its life I guess.  Well more later gotta get childling dressed for dance.

panic

So I told everyone that I had a panic attack at the college when I was taking the placement tests.  Well its been 2 days now and my chest STILL feels tight..  Not as tight but still feel like I always need to take a deep breath.  I'm starting to get worried.  Think I should go to the dr soon.  I had H1N1 already so it shouldn't be that, but I don't know if H1N1/Phenuemonia can leave you at a higher risk for getting bronchitics or phenumemonia again.
Sigh.. well that all for today.. tomorrow is Sunday and parts of me really wish we could go to church and parts of me are just happy to sleep in and be with my family...  why cant we go to church? well most churches don't want my husband there.  His presence makes the congregation uncomfortable.  So much for Christian love and acceptance..just chalk it up to one more thing thats frustrating in life when your married to a sex offender.

School...

So yesterday I had placement testing for me to go back to college.  I was kind nervous before I left, but then as soon as I sat down at that computer..My chest tightened up and suddenly it felt like I could not take a deep breath.  I tried to calm myself down to no avail.. And of coarse I did not have my inhaler or my anxiety meds with me. sigh.. I'm surprised I made it home.... had to call my hubby and have him talk me calmer, and even called my therapist it was horrible.. Even when I got home to a yummy dinner made by my loving husband.. I still could not calm down.  It took until about midnight for me to finally feel normal again... I don't know whats wrong with me.  I get so nervous about stuff since Moon died.  Its like losing her rocked my world so badly that the foundation is crumbling.  I still have my faith and thats keep me going for most of everything but now I just cant process any other stressers.. I'd almost be happier not going anywhere at all.  And I hate that..Not that we have a lot of friends anyways not many people want to be friends with a sex offender.  Doesn't even matter if they have known you for years, they go on line and read his profile and get all mad and wont listen to the full story or accept that he has changed.  They all say well if he changed why didn't he get his level lowered.. and the answer to that is because he didn't know how to do it and never had the money to go back to court for that to happen.  Its not easy to get a level lowered, you cant even have a speeding ticket in 2 or 3 yrs before asking to be re-evaluated. oh well thats all for me today. sorry so short.. til then

Things you might not think about.

So America rejoices, its was a great day for our troops they may be able to come home now.  Maybe my family members who are in the military will be a little bit safer for a while.  But as I prepared to text and call everyone to tell them of this wonderful news, my husband got upset with me.  He figures that its gonna be all over the news anyway so why call everyone. Why buy into that drama?  Why celebrate a person's death no matter how evil you think they were.
His anger surprised me, I was not expecting this reaction.  Yes I do have the tendency to gossip, and talk about stuff, usually stuff that is no ones business, and yes he calls me on that when I do do it, but this? This should be an exciting thing, until he reminded me that many people would rejoice in the same way if a sex offender was killed.  And seeing how he is a Level 3 sex offender, many people would probably make the assumption that he should be likewise killed, and would likewise rejoice over his death with out ever knowing him.  Without ever seeing that he has changed and how much his family would miss him if he were to die.
Now don't get me wrong.  Politically I lean to the right and I want punishments to fit the crimes and all that good stuff.  I am glad they were able to find him and kill him.  I would not have cared if they had captured him instead, would not have mattered to me.  He and his followers have committed horrible inhumane acts of violence not only in the bombing of the two towers but in their own countries.  But my husbands reaction is a reminder that no one knows the full stories to any situation and most have more than one explanation. We as people should not rejoice in the evil of others, nor in the destruction of  that evil, for like in the Greek myths the serpent that when on head was cut off, two more grew in its place.  There may well never be peace, no compromise avaiable.  But why should we spend so much energy on hating, when we could spend the same energy on loving, and helping, and healing?
For some reason, the death of a monster like OBL has sparked a deeper thought in me, and perhaps a chance for my own growth.  All thanks to my husband, remembering his therapy and his own journey to enlighteninment and helping me on my own.
Until Later, I have much to think about.
Meara--

Introductions...

Greetings everyone.  I started this blog, to I don't know show people that Sex Offenders can be reformed and change and grow.  But I don't feel like talking about that right now.  I mean believe me I have things to say, but I guess I should kinda introduce myself first.

My name is Meara, no this is not my real name, those who know me will know me, those who don't don't.  My husband we will call Bramble, and my twin daughters are Sun, and Moon.
I'm 34 yrs old, married to a 41 yr old Sex Offender.  Yes I knew who and what he was before we got married.  And yes I still married him and had children with him.  I'm sure I'll write more about this later.  So lets continue.  Three years ago I had Identical twin girls.  I was terrified!  I could not imagine taking care of 2 babies at once.  Oddly enough I loved it, I completely fell in love with my daughters.  We spent 9 weeks in the NICU when they were born, and I basically lived at the hospital. Eventually we got to go home, and things look good.  My girls had tons of Dr.'s appointments and therapies to go to b/c they were premature, and had brain haemorrhage's Sun had a VP-Shunt installed for hydrocephalis and Moon had a cleft lip and cleft pallet.  Both my little girls had Major Surgeries before they were even 6 months old.  Life was terrifying.  But we made it.  When my girls were 9 months old we moved from the city to a small country town. We tried to follow all the rules for a Sex Offender to move.  And believe me there are tons.  Well we did not get it all done right.  My husband did not sign the paper work for the move at least 5 days before we moved.  He did sign the paperwork the day after we moved but thats to late for people to allow.  The main bad part of this is that failing to register in a timely manner is a felony and he got charged with that and found guilty.  There was confusion about the paperwork that was mailed to us.  We filed it away and did not even open the letter, we were supposed to open it and sign it and send it back. He got 5 more years of probation, which is not bad if you have a decent PO, unfortunately his PO was like a crazy woman.  She stopped by the house every week, weather my husband was home or not.  She she had this tendency to talk over people and be very condescending.  It was very irksome.  At our big Thanksgiving party that year, Bramble purposed to me.  I was in shock, it was amazing.  I had thought that he never wanted to get married again.  But he did and I was ecstatic!  Everything was so right.
Christmas came and we had his two kids from his previous marriage visit with us.  It was great!  I took all the kids to see Santa and get a picture.  The last and only picture with all our kids in it.   The week after Christmas became an ordeal.  My  husband was told that his last grandmother was on her death bed, two states over.   SO we bought a van so we could bring all 4 kids and trekked our way up to see her.  We only stayed 1 day,  b/c we did not want to keep the girls out too much.  We made it home ok, and  the next day Moon got direraha.  It was bad but not so bad.  She had a g-tube b/c of the cleft pallet, so we were giving her peadialight and her food every 2 hours alternating.  Then on Jan. 3 we tried to take her to the hospital, or clinic but the Ice storm was too bad.  We turned around.  Got more peadialight and went home.  We were not even home for an hour before I looked at her and something was wrong, didn't know what it was just wrong. Oddly enough I had asked Bramble if he though she could die just hours earlier.  I should have listened to my gut.  She stopped breathing on the way to the hospital.. I gave her CPR in the back seat.  At the hospital they could not get her heart beating again.  She was dead.  My world shattered.  Life shattered.  All I could do was cling to my dead baby and cry... We held her for prob 2 hours after she passed.  Over 40 people came to see us AT THE HOSPITAL that night.

Her funeral was a week later, and we had over 100 people there as well.  I truly appreciated each and every person who came, and my friends who sang or played the flute for the ceremony.  It was beautiful.  The day after she passed we went to church for the first time in years.  That church was wonderful, the pastor was engaging and well spoken, the people kind and helpful.  But when we told the pastor about my husbands status of being a sex offender, the church suddenly did not really like him being there.  HIS PO tried to tell him he shouldn't go and the church decided he needed a chaperon other than myself.  This was frustrating... it always feels like the moment I try to extend myself I get smacked back and just want to retreat back into my little hole. They never did figure out why she died.  There were no bacterial infections, no viral infections, and no deformities other than the visible  ones.  We will never know why she had to become an angel, and I just have to deal with that.  I miss her terribly.   I watch her twin and think, there should be two.  I pack the diaper bad and think there should be more.  I miss her so much, and its so hard to really be present in life sometimes, and yet I treasure my life and my daughters life so very much more because I know exactly how short it can be.  I tell people that they need to remember that the worst day with your children is still better than the day after a child dies.

The next months were some of the hardest for me.  The company Bramble worked for went under after 25 yrs, a causality of the failing economy.  We lost Moon's SSI income, and we lost our house.  We moved into an apartment, but the next person my husband worked for  never paid us and we lost that as well.  At this point we were living seperiatly  and struggling to survive.  Ten days after my birthday that year I got H1N1 and ended up in the hospital, on a ventilator and in a medically induced coma.
My family fought over who would keep my surviving daughter, since I am the approved supervisor for my husband he could not keep her himself, and only his ex wife could supervise for him to see her.  Rules must be obeyed.  So my family drove her way up north to my husbands ex wife, who has been so wonderful to me ever since I meet her.   And my baby stayed with her for the month or so that I was sick. I've been told I almost died.  My lungs collapsed at least once, my fever was 104 for over a week, and I had such bad repertory distress that I had to be turned on my belly for my lungs to work.  I only got better when they gave me an experimental drug.
When I finally came home, I had to wait another 2 weeks before I was strong enough to take care of her before getting her from his ex's place.  At least she was with her siblings.  She had lost so much I didn't want her to loose more.  Life has not been easy, but so far we have made it. We got married the December after I got sick.. We chose the winter solstice to symbolize the ending of all that bad and the beginning of the light.  Slowly we have worked to get back to good.  We are finally in our own place again, and scraping by.  We promised each other to not blame ourselves about our daughters death, and although I'm still dealing with the grief and depression from all of this, my husband and I have only grown closer.  And we cherish our living daughter Sun, for she is truly like the sun in the sky she just lights up the world around her.
Well this is all I feel like writing today.  Maybe I'll write more later.  But now its time for a small one to get some medicine, she has a cough, and you'll have to forgive me if I'm, just a little over protective.