I feel like typing. I don't know what I feel like typing but I feel like typing. I've been feeling so much up and down recently that I barely know how to handle it. None of this has to do with my husband or his past. I just feel BLARGH! I just feel overwhelmed by so much. Had county meetings today about how much or little I can work.. which is not much.. My daughter got denied AGAIN for SSI and her old lawyer dropped her because they did not want to take it to the federal level. That means no back pay from her birth, oh well, just want her on SSI so that we can make sure she gets the services she needs. her old lawyer was so rude to me, I actually faced my darkest feelings as of yet. I actually felt like letting myself fall down the back stairs. I didn't, I walked outside instead and just let it rain on me. I sat there crying until my husband came and made me come inside. I just felt so hopeless and defeated. Finances are weighing on my head, we want to start our farm, and we want to work for ourselves; we want to be self sufficient and off of all social financial aid, but finding the funding is proving to be harder and harder, or at least harder than I thought it was gonna be. Maybe I'd been fooling myself thinking it would be easy to find grants and what not but its not. Of coarse the parts of my husbands past doesn't help this part of life. We don't have good credit, and many grants don't want to help people who have any criminal past. I guess this is partly why we want to help others who have a hard time finding work because of their pasts as well.
Urgh.... I just feel so off... so.... flat..... Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Me
just Me
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
I know I don't post often, and frankly that's because honestly there is very little to talk about when it comes to the sex offender issues if your following all the rules and just being a simple family that lives a simple life and for the most part gets along with those around us.
I expect animosity and judgement from people outside of our sphere of people. Well I just got smacked in the face from an area I was not expecting.
My cousin got married last weekend. It was far away and as most of this part of my families group outings tend to be, in a rather expensive area of anything they choose to do. So as the wedding approached I had been talking with my mom and my sister, and neither of them had decided to go. My mom claiming it was to expensive. Then just a week out I find out that both of them are going and no one told me. I was hurt, I felt betrayed and I know those words sound so dramatic but that's how I felt. I was not about to bring this up while they were there. Let them have fun and all. So I tell my mom that I really felt left out. She said she could understand but I was able to go to a different. wedding that my sister did not get to go on so it was fair. So next she tells me about another possible family outing. Expensive yes, sounds like fun yes. She tells me that I'd have to get a pass-port for myself and my daughter. I say well that's far enough away that we should be able to work something out, and even get it approved for my husband to come along with us. Now we have talked about taking a similar trip where my husband was included but this time he was not. She first claimed that he can't leave the country, I said anything is possible when people ask for permission. Then she drops the big bomb on me. Several people in my family would not feel comfortable with my husband coming along and being around their children.
I expect this from other people but I did not expect it from my family. Not my family who all grew up very Christian and are supposed to love people the same way Jesus loves, and forgive the way Jesus forgives. Every fiber of my being wanted to say this.
"Ya Know, expenses aren't always going to be a problem and I expect that kind of attitude from outsiders not from my family. He is not going away; and although he would say that it doesn't matter and he doesn't care I knew it would be a lie."
I also wanted to send this....
I expect it from outsiders not family who are all Christians who say they believe in Christ and the power to cleanse forgive and provide redemption for all sins."
I was going to go on to discuss how no sin is greater than any other sin and responding to people who have sinned and been forgiven by God with such malice is like spitting in God's face in my opinion.
But I did not send that text because it would just start a fight. We have already fought about how she feels I'm taking Jesus' teachings to far with being able to over look his past. That I'm not Jesus so I should not try to be like Him in this manner. I've read the Bible, it doesn't say Love everyone unless they do something you cant look past. It says love everyone because I love you and everyone and you are to be ambassadors for me on the earth.
SO I choose to not say this. She asked if I was mad at her I honestly responded with , not you but people who choose fear and judgement over understanding and love. I told I married him and that I kept saying I was OK with this. She must have said that 3 times, like that' her I did not expect it from my family. She just kept saying that she tried to worn me about this before supposed to make it all better, that I should have expected this. That I said I was fine with it. SHE NEVER said my family was going to be like this. All this last week I've had a funny feeling that this is why my mom and my sister forgot to tell me that they were going, because she was afraid I would insist on bringing my husband and that would make people uncomfortable on a day where everyone was supposed to be happy and care free. And lookie here I was so very right and this sucks. I told my councler about this last week and she said she highly doubted it was that, and that I needed to own my feelings and let my mom know how I was feeling. So I followed her advise and look what it got me. Sigh! My mom told me that she thinks that the other families are just wanting to be cautious, just like she would have been with us girls and my family doesn't know him and so they would rather be cautious. But how are they ever going to get to know him if they NEVER let him be around them? I will NEVER understand this manner of thinking. Of coarse this just doesn't help that I have not felt like I'm really part of this side of my family for oh I don't know over half of my life. It was one of the reasons I had wanted to go live with my dad at one point. Oh well lets just tack this up on one more time where who and what I am is not good enough for other people. Don't really know why I even care. I live very far away from that entire part of my family and they wont even give me an hour or two on the times when some of them have been in my state to visit other family. I feel like I've tried over and over again but I'm just never going to be up to their standards. I could get my Masters or even Doctorate degree but the fact that I've chosen to continue to live in a cold state, and I've married a sex offender who has not done a dame thing since his original offence besides paper issues. GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR is about all I really can say right now. SO ya I'm done must put small one to bed. Thank you all for reading.... the whole 2 of you who follow me. I just really needed to vent this out.
I expect animosity and judgement from people outside of our sphere of people. Well I just got smacked in the face from an area I was not expecting.
My cousin got married last weekend. It was far away and as most of this part of my families group outings tend to be, in a rather expensive area of anything they choose to do. So as the wedding approached I had been talking with my mom and my sister, and neither of them had decided to go. My mom claiming it was to expensive. Then just a week out I find out that both of them are going and no one told me. I was hurt, I felt betrayed and I know those words sound so dramatic but that's how I felt. I was not about to bring this up while they were there. Let them have fun and all. So I tell my mom that I really felt left out. She said she could understand but I was able to go to a different. wedding that my sister did not get to go on so it was fair. So next she tells me about another possible family outing. Expensive yes, sounds like fun yes. She tells me that I'd have to get a pass-port for myself and my daughter. I say well that's far enough away that we should be able to work something out, and even get it approved for my husband to come along with us. Now we have talked about taking a similar trip where my husband was included but this time he was not. She first claimed that he can't leave the country, I said anything is possible when people ask for permission. Then she drops the big bomb on me. Several people in my family would not feel comfortable with my husband coming along and being around their children.
I expect this from other people but I did not expect it from my family. Not my family who all grew up very Christian and are supposed to love people the same way Jesus loves, and forgive the way Jesus forgives. Every fiber of my being wanted to say this.
"Ya Know, expenses aren't always going to be a problem and I expect that kind of attitude from outsiders not from my family. He is not going away; and although he would say that it doesn't matter and he doesn't care I knew it would be a lie."
I also wanted to send this....
I expect it from outsiders not family who are all Christians who say they believe in Christ and the power to cleanse forgive and provide redemption for all sins."
I was going to go on to discuss how no sin is greater than any other sin and responding to people who have sinned and been forgiven by God with such malice is like spitting in God's face in my opinion.
But I did not send that text because it would just start a fight. We have already fought about how she feels I'm taking Jesus' teachings to far with being able to over look his past. That I'm not Jesus so I should not try to be like Him in this manner. I've read the Bible, it doesn't say Love everyone unless they do something you cant look past. It says love everyone because I love you and everyone and you are to be ambassadors for me on the earth.
SO I choose to not say this. She asked if I was mad at her I honestly responded with , not you but people who choose fear and judgement over understanding and love. I told I married him and that I kept saying I was OK with this. She must have said that 3 times, like that' her I did not expect it from my family. She just kept saying that she tried to worn me about this before supposed to make it all better, that I should have expected this. That I said I was fine with it. SHE NEVER said my family was going to be like this. All this last week I've had a funny feeling that this is why my mom and my sister forgot to tell me that they were going, because she was afraid I would insist on bringing my husband and that would make people uncomfortable on a day where everyone was supposed to be happy and care free. And lookie here I was so very right and this sucks. I told my councler about this last week and she said she highly doubted it was that, and that I needed to own my feelings and let my mom know how I was feeling. So I followed her advise and look what it got me. Sigh! My mom told me that she thinks that the other families are just wanting to be cautious, just like she would have been with us girls and my family doesn't know him and so they would rather be cautious. But how are they ever going to get to know him if they NEVER let him be around them? I will NEVER understand this manner of thinking. Of coarse this just doesn't help that I have not felt like I'm really part of this side of my family for oh I don't know over half of my life. It was one of the reasons I had wanted to go live with my dad at one point. Oh well lets just tack this up on one more time where who and what I am is not good enough for other people. Don't really know why I even care. I live very far away from that entire part of my family and they wont even give me an hour or two on the times when some of them have been in my state to visit other family. I feel like I've tried over and over again but I'm just never going to be up to their standards. I could get my Masters or even Doctorate degree but the fact that I've chosen to continue to live in a cold state, and I've married a sex offender who has not done a dame thing since his original offence besides paper issues. GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR is about all I really can say right now. SO ya I'm done must put small one to bed. Thank you all for reading.... the whole 2 of you who follow me. I just really needed to vent this out.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Random Rambling
I don't really know what to write about tonight. I'm sitting here watching Sleepless in Seattle, while my wonderful hubby plays his video game. I am in such a funk this evening, and I wish I knew why. Today was my daughters dance class, and I've been feeling ever more uncomfortable with the other "dance moms". I'm sure many of them know who and what my husband is and therefor judge me by that information. I hate that people will judge any situation just by rumors or facts that are now almost 20 years ago. I've tried to talk to the other mom's and they just don't seem interested. I've tried to jump into a conversation and I almost get out right ignored. So far this snubbing has not gotten passed down to my daughter, she is still loved by just about every child she meets. Its so sweet, I want her to stay this happy for as long as possible. Well back to the story... I decided to wander a bit instead of sitting in the dance dressing room. I just walked up and down the street that the dance class is on and wandered the stores. In the Hallmark Store I saw beautiful nick-knacks and cards and other stuff that would be expected, but I also saw a few things that just made me sad. There were a number of little kitschy stuff that were supposed to be funny, but really were very sarcastic and kind of mean. This set my brain thinking. Careful this is a dangerous thing for me to do. But why do we use mean things, sarcastic and negatively based phrases and ideas as humor? Why does everyone have to have a "comeback" for what ever is said. Why is negativity and meanness suddenly normal? Why does my step daughter always feel the need to have the last word and make everyone else wrong and her point as driven home as she can possibly make it? Why do people seem to try to be so difficult. Its almost like its a mark of individuality or independence. Well this train of thought started me going down one of those darker pathways in my mind, which in always leads me to my other daughters death, and all this sadness and emptiness that I hold back so much of just opens up below me like a great chasm into which I slip and plummet into and climbing out takes so much time, energy, and understanding from my poor family. So with that chasm looming close to me I continued to wander and found the guest books, which again made me think of my daughter, when I raced around looking for a guest book for her funeral, and could only find one at a Hallmark store, similar to the one I was in. I also found this little round box with a little angel on the top that said something about blessings come in small packages or something and all I could see and think about was my baby. How much I miss her, and how much that box is similar to her tiny and precious and gone. I continued my walk, and found cards of sympathy and love from husbands to wives and what not, and that just made me remember how lucky I am with my husband, but that pain and the love make a very odd combination in my psyche. Needless to say my mood has not gotten much better the rest of the night.
SIGH...
On other topics, my dear tiny dancer did not get a sticker t in today's class, so being the mom that I am I went straight to the teacher (not to yell at her) but to find out what my daughter had done. I find out that she refused to dance the tap portion of the class. As I'm getting her dressed to go she told me her feet hurt, because her tap shoes hurt her. DING DING DING light went off, lets check the size of her current tap shoes. YEPPERS they were too small. We went straight to the used dance items and found a pair of tap shoes for 5 dollars that fit perfect. WHOOT!!! I so win that round, and now there should be no issues with her participation in class.
I'm on spring break right now from my school, and eventually I WILL use this week to get caught up on my reading, but so far I've not felt like it. I don't feel like doing much right now, I do feel like crying right now for no real reason. SIGH.
Well its almost midnight so I'm gonna go to bed. Night night everyone or who ever may read this.
SIGH...
On other topics, my dear tiny dancer did not get a sticker t in today's class, so being the mom that I am I went straight to the teacher (not to yell at her) but to find out what my daughter had done. I find out that she refused to dance the tap portion of the class. As I'm getting her dressed to go she told me her feet hurt, because her tap shoes hurt her. DING DING DING light went off, lets check the size of her current tap shoes. YEPPERS they were too small. We went straight to the used dance items and found a pair of tap shoes for 5 dollars that fit perfect. WHOOT!!! I so win that round, and now there should be no issues with her participation in class.
I'm on spring break right now from my school, and eventually I WILL use this week to get caught up on my reading, but so far I've not felt like it. I don't feel like doing much right now, I do feel like crying right now for no real reason. SIGH.
Well its almost midnight so I'm gonna go to bed. Night night everyone or who ever may read this.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Cranky
I'm feeling so very cranky recently. One friend says its because its February and that leads me up to my girls birthday. Its possible. It's so had to celebrate one and remember the other at the same time. I wish I had a group of parents who have been through this kind of stuff I could talk to but the last group I joined really hurt me, so now I just don't want to send my heart out there any more. But sadly this makes for a cranky me.
Remember I'm taking classes for college one line, and sometimes it feels like no matter what I try to do or when I try to do it I just can't get my school work done, and that just makes me more and more irritated. My step daughter is now taking school from home. Long story but the basics is I think she has been misdiagnosed with ADD and Bi Polar. I think she has asp burgers autism because she has no understanding of social norms and other comfortably. I think her life as being the child of a sex offender has also shaped her view of things, and it shapes the view of the people around her that she comes in contact with . Its been a part of her life for so long that she forgets that not everyone knows her and her fathers story, nor do need to. When they held the school board meeting Monday I stayed home with my almost 4 yr old and my almost 16 year old step son. It sounded like they were leaning towards home-bound schooling. She only needs two English classes and she can graduate, and this is her 2 or 3 year of being a senior so this is important! I think what gets me in this situation is that the stories are so different, My daughter viewed the "incidences" as friends just playing around, and was not conscious of body parts etc. And the other girls (3) say it had happened more than once and that they had asked her to stop and she didn't so they finally turned her in. Everyone says that their main concern if or her to get the help she needs to not make these kinds of mistakes again. However instead of sitting the 3 other girls down with my daughter and calmly have a discussion that is moderated to keep them all on track they just brush my daughter under the carpet and keep her completely separated. I as other parents, how do you teach your children right from wrong unless you can get them to empathize with another and not want to treat the in that way? My daughter says she has always been very touchy feely and she seems to NEED either constant physical connection to people around her or she needs to be tethered to her lap top so she can Skype for countless hours. She needs some version of personal contact almost every second o f every day, and is someone texts her at 4 am, she will still answer it! So for her any physical touch is on a friend basis. We will have see. Oh besides the alpaca farm I have a new goal. I want to start a program that can go all over the country to high schools and colleges do something like DARE- if you know what that is your as old as me lol. Well instead of DARE9 (drug abuse resistance education) I want to do SOAP or (Sex Offender Avoidance and Prevention) classes. So here we go people I am officially claiming this idea as mine so some how I've got to make sure no one else can run with my idea.
Shift topics, we got his fines from our OK county paid off so we are working at getting all our past bills paid so that its easier to get the stuff we need to do and have to start the alpaca farm. Other than that I'm just working threw school and I keep falling behind because I totally could not read for the life of me for one whole week so now I"m behind. Sigh.
So now we have an on-going issue with some friends from the south where one mother has accused her now ex husband of molesting her two children and when that was dropped in court she proceeded to charge her former step son of doing the same to her girls as well. I have to say I am so very glad that I am 4 hours away.
Oh I'm down to 225 now! That's 68 lbs since last April!! and 4 months ago I was around people who were smoking before their own feelings. Ok I'm tired and I"m gonna go to bed night everyone.
Remember I'm taking classes for college one line, and sometimes it feels like no matter what I try to do or when I try to do it I just can't get my school work done, and that just makes me more and more irritated. My step daughter is now taking school from home. Long story but the basics is I think she has been misdiagnosed with ADD and Bi Polar. I think she has asp burgers autism because she has no understanding of social norms and other comfortably. I think her life as being the child of a sex offender has also shaped her view of things, and it shapes the view of the people around her that she comes in contact with . Its been a part of her life for so long that she forgets that not everyone knows her and her fathers story, nor do need to. When they held the school board meeting Monday I stayed home with my almost 4 yr old and my almost 16 year old step son. It sounded like they were leaning towards home-bound schooling. She only needs two English classes and she can graduate, and this is her 2 or 3 year of being a senior so this is important! I think what gets me in this situation is that the stories are so different, My daughter viewed the "incidences" as friends just playing around, and was not conscious of body parts etc. And the other girls (3) say it had happened more than once and that they had asked her to stop and she didn't so they finally turned her in. Everyone says that their main concern if or her to get the help she needs to not make these kinds of mistakes again. However instead of sitting the 3 other girls down with my daughter and calmly have a discussion that is moderated to keep them all on track they just brush my daughter under the carpet and keep her completely separated. I as other parents, how do you teach your children right from wrong unless you can get them to empathize with another and not want to treat the in that way? My daughter says she has always been very touchy feely and she seems to NEED either constant physical connection to people around her or she needs to be tethered to her lap top so she can Skype for countless hours. She needs some version of personal contact almost every second o f every day, and is someone texts her at 4 am, she will still answer it! So for her any physical touch is on a friend basis. We will have see. Oh besides the alpaca farm I have a new goal. I want to start a program that can go all over the country to high schools and colleges do something like DARE- if you know what that is your as old as me lol. Well instead of DARE9 (drug abuse resistance education) I want to do SOAP or (Sex Offender Avoidance and Prevention) classes. So here we go people I am officially claiming this idea as mine so some how I've got to make sure no one else can run with my idea.
Shift topics, we got his fines from our OK county paid off so we are working at getting all our past bills paid so that its easier to get the stuff we need to do and have to start the alpaca farm. Other than that I'm just working threw school and I keep falling behind because I totally could not read for the life of me for one whole week so now I"m behind. Sigh.
So now we have an on-going issue with some friends from the south where one mother has accused her now ex husband of molesting her two children and when that was dropped in court she proceeded to charge her former step son of doing the same to her girls as well. I have to say I am so very glad that I am 4 hours away.
Oh I'm down to 225 now! That's 68 lbs since last April!! and 4 months ago I was around people who were smoking before their own feelings. Ok I'm tired and I"m gonna go to bed night everyone.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Ok so I'm going to attempt to actually post on this at least once or twice a week. I can't promise it's gonna be interesting, being the wife of a level three sex offender still on probation tends to limit ones activities. Most people our age have kids and until recently he has not had a PO that was OK with him participating in that part of life. Mind you ALL Of our friends know his past, his complete past, because we both feel that its the responsible and safe thing to do. When you try to hide something it almost ALWAYS comes back to bite your butt later. It is kind of odd, people assume that all sex offenders are pedophiles, so they tightly restrict the individuals access to children, which removes just about any community service or charity work. How does a person reform his or her when doing good deeds are forbidden to them. However in a similar panicky fear sex offenders are forbidden to participate in just about anything sexual including personal pleasure toys, even to be used in a monogamous loving relationship. If a PO wants to be very picky that SO could get in big trouble with that. I'm not really sure how people are supposed to develop a good relationship with something by cutting it out completely. Its kind of like people addicted to food, you can't just stop eating, and you can't just eat less you need to realize where your thoughts and actions were incorrect and work to change that. For the most part the same can be said about sex offenders. Like one therapist said "We are not trying to rehabilitate these individuals, we are trying to abilitate them. Rehabilitating references restoring that person to what they were before the offense. Obviously his or her thoughts and behaviors were very wrong in the first place. What is needed now is to guide them to a safe and responsible and healthy relationship with sexual situations."
So Ok I got off track kinda... The general point is that any kind of social interaction can be very difficult when you have to factor in everyone's fears, and everyone's safety, and prejudices as well. And don't get me started on the lack of money. Its difficult for just about any ex-con to find a job, but when you make that into a sexual offense then you just might as well forget about it. Even that show "Pit-bulls and Parolees" who will give jobs to guys just getting out of prison and still on probation or parole wont higher a sex offender.
I'm not completely sure I understand her reasoning. I just don't really see that much of a difference between one convict and another. From all the reading I've done its obvious that violent offenders and drug related offenders have a much higher percentage of repeat infractions than just about any group of sex offenders. The one glaring exception are the pedophiles, but in general those people really truly are very mentally sick people. I truly do respect Tia's goals and the work she does. In fact if we EVER get to a more stable place in our lives, and have the land/ space to spare my husband and I both want to adopt one of her pit bulls, and if we can we would like to donate to her cause as well. The possibilities of opening a shelter much like her own is also not out of our thoughts. So yes in general I respect her and her cause, I just wish she was able to give everyone the same chances that she already does.
Does that sound odd? I wonder if the general populace would ever, ever think about sex offenders wanting to do good--wanting to make the world a better place. I doubt it, I very much doubt it.
But that kinda makes me want to succeed even more.
So Ok I got off track kinda... The general point is that any kind of social interaction can be very difficult when you have to factor in everyone's fears, and everyone's safety, and prejudices as well. And don't get me started on the lack of money. Its difficult for just about any ex-con to find a job, but when you make that into a sexual offense then you just might as well forget about it. Even that show "Pit-bulls and Parolees" who will give jobs to guys just getting out of prison and still on probation or parole wont higher a sex offender.
I'm not completely sure I understand her reasoning. I just don't really see that much of a difference between one convict and another. From all the reading I've done its obvious that violent offenders and drug related offenders have a much higher percentage of repeat infractions than just about any group of sex offenders. The one glaring exception are the pedophiles, but in general those people really truly are very mentally sick people. I truly do respect Tia's goals and the work she does. In fact if we EVER get to a more stable place in our lives, and have the land/ space to spare my husband and I both want to adopt one of her pit bulls, and if we can we would like to donate to her cause as well. The possibilities of opening a shelter much like her own is also not out of our thoughts. So yes in general I respect her and her cause, I just wish she was able to give everyone the same chances that she already does.
Does that sound odd? I wonder if the general populace would ever, ever think about sex offenders wanting to do good--wanting to make the world a better place. I doubt it, I very much doubt it.
But that kinda makes me want to succeed even more.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Dance Class....
Ok, so I'm posting this before I forget completely. My almost 4 yr old daughter is in dance. She loves it, and its really good for her physical delays. Last week there was not a huge snow storm, at least not my this regions standards, but a decent amount none-the-less. I did not want to drive in it so my husband drove us. He choose to wonder other shops around the school when I dropped our daughter off. Only at the time of pick up did he come into the building, and he stayed right by the door to stay out of the way of all the kid-lets and the mommas.
Well guess what we got this weekend? That's right folks! We got a call from hubby's PO. Someone recognized my poor hubby and called his PO. I'm sure the good little person thought they were alerting the officials of a probation violation or something and that the big mean dangerous man was sure to be arrested. This of course did not happen. His PO was fine with him being there, as long as I'm with him he is fine. Birthday parties, church, schools, community events its all good as long as I'm there. What a huge relief it is to be working with someone who is sane and rational.
Never the less he has decided to not go to any more of her classes because he doesn't want to be forbidden to go to her dance recital. He has been forcibly kept away from so much of his older kids lives that he just doesn't want that to happen again.
I guess I don't really have any more whining to do right now. I've been so numb recently I don't know how to describe it. Everything seems so flat and dull. I'm restless but have any ambition to do anything differently. I've got SOOO much stuff I should or could be doing but I'm just not. SIGH. I hate depression...
Well guess what we got this weekend? That's right folks! We got a call from hubby's PO. Someone recognized my poor hubby and called his PO. I'm sure the good little person thought they were alerting the officials of a probation violation or something and that the big mean dangerous man was sure to be arrested. This of course did not happen. His PO was fine with him being there, as long as I'm with him he is fine. Birthday parties, church, schools, community events its all good as long as I'm there. What a huge relief it is to be working with someone who is sane and rational.
Never the less he has decided to not go to any more of her classes because he doesn't want to be forbidden to go to her dance recital. He has been forcibly kept away from so much of his older kids lives that he just doesn't want that to happen again.
I guess I don't really have any more whining to do right now. I've been so numb recently I don't know how to describe it. Everything seems so flat and dull. I'm restless but have any ambition to do anything differently. I've got SOOO much stuff I should or could be doing but I'm just not. SIGH. I hate depression...
Friday, January 13, 2012
Big plans
We have such big plans, hopes, dreams, what ever you want to call them. Our first goal is to get some steady income coming into this house so that we can get approved for loans for our own home. We want a farm- 50 acres- or so so we can have enough space to raise Alpaca's. Alpaca's are animals kind of between a sheep and a lama, and their coats are amazingly soft, hypo allergenic, and water proof. How Kewl is that?! We are just so tired of not being able to live our lives because no one wants to hire a sex offender, or really even his wife. Admittedly my anti work issues are a little bit different. I swear I just can't get my brain back to working. I don't know if its just a general depression from losing a child or if that event triggered a condition that I had before only had the potential for. I feel so very tired, and recently I've just been so lethargic and kind of numb. I think this has been the worst angelversary for my baby yet. My therapist seems to think I'm doing better but I sure don't feel like it.
I love my husband, he is wonderful! He puts up with all my low moods, and forgetful brain farts, and scattered way my brain has been working since 2009. He says its no big deal since I put up with all the crap that his past brings with him. I think its an ok trade off. We have been practically joined at the hip since we got married. We just don't feel the need to be apart. Partly because we don't have outside jobs, and partly because its just safer for him to go places with me so that no one can accuse him of anything and there be no defense. As odd at it might sound but it is really true, making sure that he is never really alone so there can not be any room for doubt.
When I think about it, it really does take a strong relationship to survive this kind of stigma. Most families treasure their time apart so to make their time together mean more, but we are not that way. We just work really well together and after losing our daughter and almost losing me to H1N1 in 2009, we both really do understand how special each moment with each other can be.
So pursuant of this new direction, the alpacas, I have been reading up on these little creatures almost obsessively. I've learned a lot and I'm sure I have a LOT more to learn about. I've never written up a business plan, nor do I really know how to keep books for a business. Even my charity booth at the local renaissance festival, all I've ever done is run it during the season and handle the money going out and coming in. Oh and handle the staff and the prizes.
I wonder who this fact might surprise. Yep we own a booth at the local renaissance festival. I'd been managing it for years and when we got married the previous owner gifted it to us for our wedding. That is where we meet and that is where we got married as well. Its a simple kids game, with 3 games for little kids, they play until they win and everyone wins. Our goal is to make the kids feel wonderful and to make as much fun of the drunk adults as possible. And any proceeds we make go to different charities like local high school drama groups, and college clubs, or cancer research for kids threw St. Jude. Some day I want to donate to help kids get their cleft lips and pallets fixed, like our little girl had to. I'd also like to donate to the groups that are studying SIDS and SUDC as well, so that others don't have to go threw what we have. Festival is great fun but sadly just because of my husbands level the festival wont allow him on grounds, not even as a paying customer. Now mind you he has not physically offended anyone in 18 years, but that doesn't matter to anyone. He has had paper violations and issues keeping registered correctly, and although they claim that every person has been told all the rules its very hard to keep track of what is changing and what is new and it all falls on you.
I sometimes feel like its my job as his wife to help him keep out of trouble. Its just to easy to accidentally slip up and end up back in jail and with the three strikes and your out rule in our state things can get really scary really fast.
I hate this feeling. I'm so bloody tired my eyes hurt, and I know I have more reading to do for school but I kinda don't want to, I want to go to bed super early and just sleep but that's not happening until the small one is in bed and although her bed time is 8 pm, she usually is up till about 9 to 9:30 so I'm stuck for a while at least. Well I'm off to read talk to you all later.
I love my husband, he is wonderful! He puts up with all my low moods, and forgetful brain farts, and scattered way my brain has been working since 2009. He says its no big deal since I put up with all the crap that his past brings with him. I think its an ok trade off. We have been practically joined at the hip since we got married. We just don't feel the need to be apart. Partly because we don't have outside jobs, and partly because its just safer for him to go places with me so that no one can accuse him of anything and there be no defense. As odd at it might sound but it is really true, making sure that he is never really alone so there can not be any room for doubt.
When I think about it, it really does take a strong relationship to survive this kind of stigma. Most families treasure their time apart so to make their time together mean more, but we are not that way. We just work really well together and after losing our daughter and almost losing me to H1N1 in 2009, we both really do understand how special each moment with each other can be.
So pursuant of this new direction, the alpacas, I have been reading up on these little creatures almost obsessively. I've learned a lot and I'm sure I have a LOT more to learn about. I've never written up a business plan, nor do I really know how to keep books for a business. Even my charity booth at the local renaissance festival, all I've ever done is run it during the season and handle the money going out and coming in. Oh and handle the staff and the prizes.
I wonder who this fact might surprise. Yep we own a booth at the local renaissance festival. I'd been managing it for years and when we got married the previous owner gifted it to us for our wedding. That is where we meet and that is where we got married as well. Its a simple kids game, with 3 games for little kids, they play until they win and everyone wins. Our goal is to make the kids feel wonderful and to make as much fun of the drunk adults as possible. And any proceeds we make go to different charities like local high school drama groups, and college clubs, or cancer research for kids threw St. Jude. Some day I want to donate to help kids get their cleft lips and pallets fixed, like our little girl had to. I'd also like to donate to the groups that are studying SIDS and SUDC as well, so that others don't have to go threw what we have. Festival is great fun but sadly just because of my husbands level the festival wont allow him on grounds, not even as a paying customer. Now mind you he has not physically offended anyone in 18 years, but that doesn't matter to anyone. He has had paper violations and issues keeping registered correctly, and although they claim that every person has been told all the rules its very hard to keep track of what is changing and what is new and it all falls on you.
I sometimes feel like its my job as his wife to help him keep out of trouble. Its just to easy to accidentally slip up and end up back in jail and with the three strikes and your out rule in our state things can get really scary really fast.
I hate this feeling. I'm so bloody tired my eyes hurt, and I know I have more reading to do for school but I kinda don't want to, I want to go to bed super early and just sleep but that's not happening until the small one is in bed and although her bed time is 8 pm, she usually is up till about 9 to 9:30 so I'm stuck for a while at least. Well I'm off to read talk to you all later.
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