Relief

Ok school meeting went well I think so whooo.... We will have to see what happens next.

What Children Say

I can't get this out of my head.  I got a phone call today from my daughters school, and apparently she was talking about sex to other kids.
I was floored and immediately started trying to figure out what and where she got this information or words.  We do kinda of openly talk about sex but not with graphic words.  From what her teacher told me she actually said penis.. I've never told her what a penis is.  My husband doesn't do anything remotely undressed while around her and we have been like hawks about what she watches on tv and who watches her for babysitting.
So NOW I have a meeting at the school Thursday and I'm so scared.  I've  not told the school about my husband's past.  Not this time, we just chose to not mention it and just keep him off grounds to avoid any issues so that no parents can cause a stink and talk to their kids about, Sun's Daddy.  It really hurts Sun's feelings when people tell her that her daddy is a bad man when he isn't.

We talked to her on our walk home and it sounds like OTHER kids who are older and also who may be at some kind of risk for inappropriate contact with cousins told her about things like someone's cousin wanted the girl to lick his penis and that sparked some dreams for Sun and that was some of what she was talking about.
We told her that talking about any of this with her friends is not ok, she can talk to a teacher, or Mommy or Daddy or other trusted adults, but she needs to tell if someone tries to touch her.
We asked her if she told anyone she said no.  She said she was afraid of getting in trouble and we told her that telling keeps her and her friends safe.
Apparently she also told her special ed teacher that she loves boys and wants to hug the and kiss them, and then she reached down to touch herself.
We have told her she can't do that in front of people... BUT the Trouble is she is already growing hair there and I think it itches her.  We had her tested and she is not entering early puberty but my grandma started her cycle at 9 and Sun is 7 so who knows... poor kid.
Most of all we told her she was not in trouble we just wanted to understand what was happening with her, and to make sure she is safe and that she can talk to us anytime about this stuff.

We asked her what sex was and she said it was when people take their close off and kissing.

We asked her what a penis is, and she didn't know.
( I told her it was the boy version of a potty) Heck, you need to make sure they are informed.

We asked her if anyone has tried to touch her in her potty, and she said one boy who is 8 tried and she told him no and pushed him away; she said he keeps watching her and makes her uncomfortable.

She said if the other boy tries to do anything like that with her she will say no.

We asked her if she has ever seen anyone in this house naked, and she said no. but we reminded her that she sometimes likes to take showers with me so yes but just Mommy.

We asked her if she ever saw Daddy naked she said no.

We asked her what Mommy and Daddy wear to bed and she got Mommy's nightgowns right but thought Daddy wore pajamas.. just more proof that she never sees him unclothed.

We asked her who gives he baths, and she said Mommy, but Daddy sometimes helps wash her hair.

We asked who washes her potty and butt with soap and she said she does, but sometimes Mommy does when she has an owie.  NEVER Daddy.

I know that we have not done anything wrong.


The only thing I can think of is sometimes having Criminal Minds on TV and she comes into the room and I don't get to change the channel soon enough. She watches Disney Jr. and WWE (she loves John Cena). and 19 Kids and Counting.

I'm just so scared about how this meeting is going to go and I can't have my husband there b/c well he is not allowed on school grounds and when I'm stressed I just break down and I'm afraid I won't be a good advocate for my child.  There is just so much stigma and like I've said before so much fear about how people will look at things and make a cascade of stress and issues that I just don't want to have to face.  I'm a worrier and this is not helping.

My wonderful husband said I shouldn't worry.  If they were going to investigate they would not be calling me into school to talk about stuff and if they even hint at wanting to take our daughter out of our home he will sleep in the truck just to keep us all safe..
I know that I usually try to give some encouragement or just vent but today I'm asking for prayers because I just need to stay calm and rest in the fact that God will keep us all safe and together.

Things I Feel

I feel like I've been supposed to post something for a while now.  As usual I don't exactly know where this posting is going to go but heck I'll try.  One thing I've been thinking about is my experience with PHP.. Partial Hospitalization Program... Someone said that I'm a secondary victim from my husbands crime. Gosh How I riled and rebelled against this concept.  I felt as if the lady saying this, was implying that my beloved husband; who has been my rock for so long, who is the other half of me, the parts of me that I can never explain; was STILL victimizing people, like he is still out there committing crimes, but he isn't.  I was so mad at that woman,  but when I came home and told my husband he agreed with her.. He keeps apologizing for putting me threw all of this stuff.  He says that our children are tertiary victims from his error, face it his crime.   I feel like he is now ALSO a victim because of the way the laws are phrased, and he suffers just as much if not more than we all do.  The weight of his mistakes weighs so very heavily on his heart. No matter what the circumstances what he did was wrong. What I wish people could see is how different he is now.
This last fall a new family moved into a house across the street from us. They happen to have a daughter that is exactly the same age of my daughter, in fact they were in the same Head Start class, and  so in my daughters mind this is her friend so of coarse she ran strait over to her friends house.. They have a BIG trampoline and the girls got right down to playing.  Initially I was ecstatic; look here was a child my daughter already knew who was so close so she could play with.
Well I followed, because surprise surprise, the sex offender and his wife doesn't let our daughter run rickshaw over anyone or just generally unsupervised, Then since we as a family HAD BEEN about to go for a walk, my husband also followed me over. We made some small talk and I thought everything was ok..THEN like a month later my step daughter got a NASTY message from the mother, in her "other" box, telling her to tell me about the other box and low and behold I found 2 messages, one from the mother and one from the father... Both were particularly venomous, and I had to revise my response about 5 times, because I wanted SOOOO badly to defend him, to tell them the whole story to shove down their throats that my husband is not this horrible person, but he kept counseling me that it would not help and would only back fire, so instead I simply said..."i'm sorry to have inconvenienced you and we will keep our distance." Well now its spring and its time to play outside again, and these people had the guts to tell their daughter that my husband, my daughters beloved  daddy is in jail.
Oh the anger in that little girl..she was just livid that someone would say something so mean and 'untrue' about her daddy "because he is the best-est, ever ever ever!"  When I confronted her with this information I explained that we all make mistakes, and I asked her what consequences she had to deal with when she makes mistakes and doesn't follow the rules?  And she said she gets a time out.  So I told her that a LONG LONG time ago her daddy made a mistake, he didn't follow the rules, and he needed an adult time out. And for adults that is when people go to jail. And sometimes people have to have time outs to think about what they have done and really learn from their mistake. She got soooo mad at me.  So very mad, didn't want to talk to me,  I was telling "lies/stories about her daddy"  It took her a while to calm down from that.
I keep having to tell her to NOT yell at them even though she is just like her mommy, wants to defend her daddy.  I was soo soo soo mad.  I wanted to march over there and tell them that they better not open their mouths about my husband ever again, I wanted to ask them if they had EVER smoked pot, or done any other kind of drug or if they drink and get drunk? Because if they have I could conceivably tell my daughter that they are drug addicts, and alcoholics, and then how would they feel?  But I haven't... I've been being a good girl.. hubby has suggested that if they keep these verbal assaults up to go to the police and file something against them. I'm suddenly so glad we decided to move our daughter to a different school system.  She doesn't need to grow up as "that sex offenders daughter'. I"m not really proud of this but on one nice day I sat outside the WHOLE day reading a book for my school, and I know that I interrupted THEIR day b/c they are SOOO worried about us seeing them.  I felt just a bit too much glee.. but really they yelled at their daughter for riding her scooter to far down the block, so that she was in front of our house.. I guess my husband went out to do some grilling and the wife and daughter were out front and when my husband was outside, their husband had to come out and "keep an eye on them" cuz you know my husband is sooooo very dangerous.. god i'm tired of stupid, judgmental, and down right rude people.
I do have to say we have a glimmer of hope shinning right now, with Obama and the MN governor passing laws about expunging records of reformed criminals,so that they can have an easier time finding jobs and housing. Now this is apparently for "non-violent" offenders, and my husband is pretty sure that a sex offender is automatically considered a violent offence. But at this point I kinda figure its worth a shot huh?  I think I'm going to be asking a number of people to give some character references and see if perhaps we could actually get ourselves into a better place in our lives.
THEN we got referred to a different church that welcomes sex offenders, and we had to have a meeting and they have rules about how to handle sex offenders, and they really weren't that bad SOOO guess who has a church again..There isn't much for the kids yet. Its a really small new church but that's also kind of exciting b/c maybe we could really help there.  AND my darling husband has actually been willing and  wanting to go to church, and he is actually listening and getting something out of the sermons, this is so very exciting for me.
AND THEN--- we got told about some kind of re-assessing of some thing and we didn't know what, and then a lady from CPS (child protective services) shows up at our door, because there is a NEW law that says if a child lives with a person that is on the sex-offender registry CPS wants to do and evaluation, and its like no one checks ANYTHING and EVERY ONE thinks that he is still on probation... the church did, the lady with CPS did everyone seems to.. But guess what people HE ISNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As of March 26th he is free.... And that lady was about to tell us that once again my husband could not be alone with our daughter.  And we were about to REALLY argue this until we explained that he is off of probation, and I have attended the sex offender supervisory classes, AND I have the official permission from the courts to be his supervisor and she backed down a lot, and even eventually said that he is aloud to do anything that is a "normal" parenting action ect.  SO we dodged that bullet.  And I am glad for this.

In other worlds I'm finally done with this semester of school and I THINK that I passed all my classes, and I THINK that my grades will be enough to pull my GPA for UMD up enough to no longer be on academic probation. AND since PHP they took me off of my Prozac, so now I'm waking up easier in the morning, but I'm still falling asleep during he day and NOW I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat or even a moment of a commercial on TV... and I'm cranky... all my patience seems to have fled and I hate this.. I feel so blargh... they did put me on a mood stabilizer but i'm not sure what its doing...and I don't get to see my councler OR my psych meds dr till June. SIGH.. AND I have a Psycho-neurological exam Friday.. fun fun.. Wish  me luck.. I want to find out if I have any brain damage from when I had H1N1 and MRSA in 2009... If I have brain damage it could make it easier for me to get SSI and that could help our money situation....any how Its bed-time so I'm signing off NIGHT

No where is Safe

So I've been having a lot of trouble with stress, and anxiety, and depression etc etc etc. SOOO my psych med's dr convinced me to go to what is called PHP.  Partial Hospitalization Program, its like a compromise between in patient therapy in a psych ward and typical out patient therapy.  Now originally I just thought I''d try to deal with some of the stuff from my daughters death, but eventually my husband's past is bound to come up.  In this case it happened because I was, venting, complaining, expressing what ever you want to call it about an issue I've had with a local church. Basically I actually tried to go to a church, and I had the audacity to go to the pastor and ask if there is a way we can make it so that my husband can attend church every once and a while...  I mean come on he cant go to any of her school concerts, so I'd like it if he could go to see her at church.

So we kinda HAD to bring up my husbands past.... and his level and all that crap... I cried yesterday but everyone didn't say much.  Then today in the middle of one of the groups, I'm told that 1. I'm talking to much about raising my daughter, that they feel like we are in a parenting class not a psycho-therapy session.  Then I"m told that me talking about my husband and him being a sex offender is triggering someone's past, and ya know that's OK.. but the girl wanted me to not go into any detail.. which actually put me on defense so I tried not to engage and just let her feel.. I kept telling the leaders that I'm trying to be as respectful as possible...and they tell me I'm doing well... 

Now of coarse I didn't go into the FULL story the first day... that's always a catch 22.  Tell whole story and have people pick it apart and judge you and make them uncomfortable OR tell them the mere basics and have the look hubby up and then they get mad b/c I've "hidden things from them".  That I'm deflecting and down playing and making excuses for him and his behavior.  Now if you've been reading my blog you know I've never said what he did was right, it was dumb and stupid, (biologically understandable but socially and morally wrong)  But one lady had to go look my hubby up and she got all upset b/c "you don't just happen to become a level 3".  Well no duh!! His path has been pretty messed up, but that's another story.  So there I was feeling very attacked and judged, and the leaders commended the group for its openness, honesty and "good work".   I was not aloud to defend my husband.   I was not aloud to tell his story b/c its only supposed to be about MY feelings.  Well ya know what?!  Ya know what I'm feeling?  I'm feeling unstable because no one will higher my husband because of his past.  I'm feeling judged by who I choose to marry, and I'm feeling rejected.  Rejected by my family, by my friends, by this group everywhere I turn.  I crave that extended family... I crave that sense of community, but I've never had this...and it seems that I'm probably never really going to find this.   The leaders did take a whole session to talk with me, and the one was soooo proud of me for really breaking down, and they did take another group session to make us all talk about that first group session.  I had to tell people how they made me feel, and they are all like "Oh well if you had not told SOOO much we would have had more sympathy for you."  And they all want me to be angry about how I cant have a "normal life" and how my daughter is treated, and how I"m a secondary victim because of how I get treated, and my daughter is a third level victim etc etc etc and to me all that says is that he is still offending people, still being a criminal rather than someone who has been threw all his therapy and has grown and learned so much.  

Right now I don't know what I want to do...they have all asked me not to quit, but parts of me really wants to.. It would prob  make finishing my school work easier if I was not spending 6 to 7 hours a day emotionally draining me.. 

Sigh.. thanks for letting me vent...

Hurts that seem to never go away... SIGH

I guess I should be used to this but I'm still not.. and it still hurts.  I swear all my life all I've wanted was to be accepted and loved by my family; extended as well as immediate, as well as friends.  Well I guess I'm not so smart because I'm married to a level 3 sex offender which pretty much makes me persona non gratta in my community as well as in my family.... Wow what a genius my determined acceptance of people no matter their past has just kept me in the position I've been in all my life.  And my determination to love everyone just doesn't pay off.

What precipitated this you may ask? Well I'm still going threw counseling and my councilors keep telling me that if I don't verbalize what hurts me its never going to change and I'm never going to be able to move beyond it.  Well my family is again having a family gathering and they have again not even kind of invited me.  It would be understandable if they don't have enough room for me and my daughter, and I get that I just had surgery but it feels like its ALWAYS something, some reason to avoid me.  And when I mentioned it to my sister she went immediately to who my husband is...  That's not what I needed or wanted. I just wanted to let her know that my feelings had been hurt; to own my feelings and express them to one of the few people in my life who should always listen to me, after all I've always listened to her hurts and complaints.

And my poor husband is like; this is how I've felt all my life he.  He has been rejected by all of his family his whole life b/c of things that he did, I've been reject by all of my family because I refused to stop loving my father when my parents divorced; but then I was rejected by my father in favor of his new wife and her family because I would not leave my other family.  One of the great travesties of the 20th century and society and probably a great part of the down fall of so many parts of our current society.  All these kids who just never feel like they fit in ANYWHERE.  I think here is a reason why some people lose it and kill a bunch of people...  I'm soo tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for any part of my family.  My mom's family is to focused on money and HATES that I'm married to a sex offender.. "And I just have to accept that they will never accept him, and that they are always going to feel this way about him and I have to accept the conciseness of my decisions.  And I choose to marry HIM." I cant tell you how much I am tired of hearing this.  Did you know that they use the same wording about my husbands offence as my family does about my choice of husband.  "It was your choice, your decision, you have to deal with the consequences." I don't think loving anyone should every be treated like a criminal offence.  And I don't think that any of this behavior is being a Christian.

I just wish I had extended family that gave a SHIT about me, besides my one and only mother-in-law, who lives in Florida. Ok well now that I've eaten dinner my emotions are calmed down and I don't know what to say,  SO I'll logg off now... thank you for listening to my break down....

I try to keep my promises/ Red Flags.

These are taken from this web site.Feel free to check it out yourself; http://www.stopitnow.org/warnings

Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children

We all have personal likes and things that make us uncomfortable. “Personal space” is the private area of control inside an imaginary line or boundary that defines each person as separate.

Meara comment- This is also very CULTURALLY biased.   Different cultures have different ideas of what is acceptable and what is not as far as personal space.. Heck different parts of the US have different ideas about this as well.

Ideally, that boundary helps us stay in charge of our own personal space. It helps keep out the things that make us uncomfortable - unsafe and unwanted feelings, words, images, and physical contact. Solid social rules strengthen the boundary. Behaviors that routinely disrespect or ignore boundariesⁱ make children vulnerable to abuse.

Do you know an adult or older child who doesn’t seem to understand what’s acceptable when it comes to: 

Personal Space

• Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundariesⁱ or limits?
• Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?
• Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?
• Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?

Relationships with children

• Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information or activities, normally shared with adults?
• Has secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive time to emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth
• Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?
• Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby sits different children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason?
•  Allows children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviors?

Sexual conversation or behavior

• Frequently points out sexual images or tells dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
• Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or images without apparent concern?
• Is overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly about the child's developing body or interferes with normal teendating)?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child

Someone you care about may be acting in ways that worry or confuse you. The behaviors below may indicate a possible risk of sexual abuse to a child, but may also be a way for this adult to ask for help.

Many people with sexual behavior problemsⁱ believe that others already suspect and often wish someone would ask what’s going on or advise them where to call to get help. Remember, you can start a conversation by pointing out harmful impacts on a child without accusing someone of abusive intentions.

Do you have concerns about someone you know in these areas of daily life?

Relationships

• Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundariesⁱ?
• Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?
• Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?
• Encourages silence and secrets in children?

Sexual Interactions

• Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior, e.g. sexualized threats or insults, like “whore” or “slut”?
• Makes fun of children's body parts, describes children with sexual words like “stud” or “sexy” or talks again and again about the sexual activities of children or teens?
• Masturbates so often that it gets in the way of important day-to-day activities?
• Has an interest in sexual fantasies involving children and seems unclear about what's appropriate with children?
• Looks at child pornographyⁱ or downloads/views Internet pornographyⁱ and is not willing to show whether children are involved?
• Asks adult partners to dress or act like a child or teen during sexual activity?

Personal Safety/Responsibility

• Has been known to make poor decisions while misusing drugs or alcohol?
• Justifies behavior, defends poor choices or harmful acts; blames others to refuse responsibility for behaviors?
• Minimizes hurtful or harmful behaviors when confronted; denies harmfulness of actions or words despite a clear negative impact?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior

It can be hard to acknowledge that all of us, even children, are sexual beings, have sexual feelings and are curious about sex and sexuality. Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching.

They may peek when family members are in the bathroom or changing clothes or try to listen outside the bedroom. They may look at magazines, books, videos, and on the internet.

It can be hard to tell the difference between “normal” sexual behaviors and behaviors that are signs that a child may be developing a problem. Sexual play that is more typical or expected in children will more often have the following traits:

• The sexual play is between children who have an ongoing mutually enjoyable play and/or school friendship.
• The sexual play is between children of similar size, age, and social and emotional development.
• It is lighthearted and spontaneous. The children may be giggling and having fun when you discover them.
• When adults set limits (for example, children keep their clothes on at day care), children are able to follow the rules.

Preschool age (0 to 5 years)

Common:

• Will have questions and express knowledge relating to:
  • differences in gender, private body parts,
  • hygiene and toileting,
  • pregnancy and birth.
• Will explore genitals and can experience pleasure.
• Showing and looking at private body parts.

Uncommon:

• Having knowledge of specific sexual acts or explicit sexual language.
• Engaging in adult-like sexual contact with other children.

School-age (6-8 years)

Common:

• Will need knowledge and have questions about
  • physical development, relationships, sexual behavior
  • menstruation and pregnancy,
  • personal values.
• Experiment with same-age and same gender children, often during games or role-playing.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.

Uncommon:

• Adult-like sexual interactions,
• Having knowledge of specific sexual acts,
• Behaving sexually in a public place or through the use of phone or internet technology. 

School-age (9-12 years)

Hormonal changes and external influences, such as peers, media and Internet, will increase sexual awareness, feelings and interest at the onset of puberty.

Common:

• Will need knowledge and have questions about
  • Sexual materials and information,
  • Relationships and sexual behavior,
  • Using sexual words and discussing sexual acts and personal values, particularly with peers.
• Increased experimentation with sexual behaviors and romantic relationships.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.

Uncommon:

• Regularly occurring adult-like sexual behavior .
• Behaving sexually in a public place. 

Adolescence (13 to 16)

Common:

• Will need information and have questions about
  • Decision making
  • Social relationships and sexual customs
  • Personal values and consequences of sexual behavior.
• Self stimulation in private is expected to continue.
• Girls will begin menstruation; boys will begin to produce sperm.
• Sexual experimentation between adolescents of the same age and gender is common.
• Voyeuristic behaviors are common in this age group.
• First sexual intercourse will occur for approximately one third of teens.

Uncommon:

• Masturbation in a public place.
• Sexual interest directed toward much younger children.

Resources on Children's Sexual Development

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse

Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:

• During a divorce
• Death of a family member or pet
• Problems at school or with friends
• Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
  • Refuses to eat
  • Loses or drastically increases appetite
  •  Has trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
• Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
  

  Signs more typical in adolescents

• Self-injury (cutting, burning)
• Inadequate personal hygiene
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Sexual promiscuity
• Running away from home
• Depression, anxiety
• Suicide attempts
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

Signs That a Child or Teen May Be At-Risk to Harm Another Child

More than a third of all sexual abuse of children is committed by someone under the age of 18. Children, particularly younger children, may take part in inappropriate interactions without understanding how it might be hurtful to others. For this reason, it may be more helpful to talk about a child’s sexually “harmful” behavior rather than sexually “abusive” behavior.

Do you know a child or adolescent who is:
 

Confused about social rules and interactions

• May experience typical gestures of friendliness or affection as sexual?
• Explores his or her own natural sexual curiosity with younger children or those of differing size, status, ability, or power?
• Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time with them rather than with peers?
• Takes younger children to “secret” places or hideaways or plays “special” games with them (e.g. playing doctor, undressing or touching games, etc.)?
•  Insists on physical contact with a child when the child resists the attention?

Anxious, depressed or seeming to need help

• Tells you they do not want to be alone with a child, or group of children, or becomes anxious about being with a particular young person?
• Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused and has not been offered adequate resources and support for recovery?
• Seems to be crying for help, i.e. behaves as if they want to be caught; leaves “clues” or acts in ways that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues?

Impulsively sexual or aggressive

• Links sexuality and aggression in language or behavior (e.g. makes sexual threats or insults)?
• Unable to control inappropriate sexual behaviors involving another child after being told to stop?
• Engages in sexually harassing behavior?
• Shares alcohol, drugs, or sexual material with younger children or teens?
• Views sexual images of children on the Internet or elsewhere?
• Forces sexual interaction, including direct contact and non-contact (like exposing genitals) on another adolescent or child?

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

What is Considered Child Sexual Abuse?

If you are not exactly sure what sexual abuse is, you’re not alone. All sexual activity between an adult and a child is sexual abuse. Sexual touching between children can also be sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse between children is often defined as when there is a significant age difference (usually 3 or more years) between the children, or if the children are very different developmentally or size-wise. Sexual abuse does not have to involve penetration, force, pain, or even touching. If an adult engages in any sexual behavior (looking, showing, or touching) with a child to meet the adult’s interest or sexual needs, it is sexual abuse.

Child Sexual Abuse includes harmful contact and non-contact behaviors

Abusive physical contact or touching includes:

• Touching a child's genitals or private parts for sexual purposes
• Making a child touch someone else's genitals or play sexual games
• Putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth or in the anus of a child for sexual purposes

Non-contact sexual abuse includes:

• Showing pornographyⁱ to a child
• Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child
• Photographing a child in sexual poses
• Encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts
• Inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom

Sexually abusive images of children and the Internet

As well as the activities described above, there is also the serious and growing problem of people making and downloading sexual images of children on the Internet. To view sexually abusive images of children is to participate in the abuse of a child, and may cause someone to consider sexual interactions with children as acceptable.

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, call or email our Helpline or visit our Online Help Center.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish. 123

Four R’s of Prevention

Rules (noun) – principles set forth to guide behavior or action. Ex. Everyone’s safer when everyone knows and is clear about the rules for what’s considered acceptable behavior.

Respect (noun) – to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody. Ex. Support others with respect to live up to the generally accepted rules and expectations for positive interactions, all the time.

Read (verb) – to interpret the information conveyed by movements, signs, or signals; an understanding of something by experience or intuitive means. Ex: Regularly read what’s going on around you and trust your instincts to stay aware of concerning behaviors.

Responsibility (noun) – the state, fact, or position of being accountable to somebody or for something. Ex. Responsibility for keeping kids safe belongs to every adult in the community, every day.

With the beginning of the school year, teachers, coaches, other kid’s parents, even popular students are assuming new roles of influence or authority over children. Clear, shared guidelines—the rules—about what kids should expect from these relationships let everyone know what’s acceptable and what’s considered questionable, long before there’s a problem.

Respect is the cornerstone of sexual abuse prevention—both as a way to define what makes behavior acceptable and as an essential communication tool when concerns arise. Respectful behavior is the opposite of abusive behavior.

Regularly “reading” the situations where kids play, learn, and work is an important part of prevention. To create sexually safe environments, learn to read and redirect potentially harmful behavior—like ignoring a child’s limits around hugs, kisses or tickling—before a child is harmed. Remember, the focus is prevention, not cure. Signs or signals that someone is struggling to control his or her impulses are often visible long before any sexually harmful actions.

Kids have the right to count on those with authority or influence to stay within the bounds of their particular roles: to take responsibility to follow and enforce the expected rules. Whether the lesson is math or religion, soccer or swimming, successful learning demands a level of openness and intimacy. Good teachers, coaches and others inspire kids to overcome challenges with imagination, creativity, and humor. But over time, some may consciously or unconsciously begin to ignore or gradually change the terms of the relationship, using things like secret understandings, suggestive jokes, or belittling other authority figures to engage kids. Even when there is no harmful intention, regularly breaking the expected rules can leave everyone guessing about what’s okay and createopenings to veer off from healthy behaviors.

And don’t forget—older siblings, star athletes, popular students and other kids may need help managing their influence over other children. As they mature, young people increasingly look to peers for cues about rules, often leading to confusion or misinformation. But the ultimate responsibility to provide guidance about safe relationships lies with the adults. Despite what they may say, kids depend on it.

• Decide on the rules. Talk with friends about what are appropriate rules for those in different roles of authority or influence. Then make your expectations clear to anyone influencing kids.
• Practice “reading” children’s relationships. Stay aware of the signs or patterns of change. Honor your instincts. Then speak up. Ask questions. Talk through your concerns with others.
• Be a role model of respect. Insist that others act respectfully toward you. Stay aware of how your actions affect others. Use firm, respectful language to insist that others honor the rules.
• Embrace responsibility. Be accountable. Start one conversation everyday with a friend or family member about how to fulfill adults’ responsibility to keep children safe.

Kids shouldn’t have the responsibility to recognize and challenge unsafe behaviors. A whole community of responsible adults, reading behaviors, respectfully supporting kids and other adults to understand and follow the rules—that’s the best way to prevent sexual abuse. Our kids are counting on us. And after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

And no I've not had any of these RED Flags with my husband, but I've dealt with a few from my step kids, and other kids down the street toward my child.

The Kid Said WHAT?! For 2000 Alex...

So its summer, and my wonderful hubby gets my daughter a med sized swimming pool.. One of those "it sets up as you fill it" pools.  And we knew just knew that it would inevitably pull at the other kids in the neighborhood.   So it started today.  We decided to cook, hot dogs, and brats over the fire in the fire pit we have in our yard; and we have a friend with her son up to visit.  SOOO not only do we have a tire swing in the yard, a pool, AND a fire pit, but also 2 5 yr olds running around our yard.  AND low and behold my husband come inside from starting the fire and tells me that he NEEDS me outside, because there is some strange kid in our yard that wont leave.   So I go outside and this kid, who I find out is 7 and going into 2nd grade and lives down the street from us just makes himself at home in our yard.  I'm outside so my husband is not ever alone with this kid and we don't let him in our house but its difficult to chase him away.

All things are ok, he is a bit annoying but not overly so.  We find out he has a bee-bee gun and a bow, and he is in the Cub Scouts, and his mom is his Cub Scout leader, then eventually my husband and our friend go inside, with our friends son and I'm left out side with my daughter and this little boy.  Pretty soon he is sitting next to me and starts talking about stuff I can not believe is coming out of his mouth.

He says that boys don't like to play with girls , and I say "why wouldn't you want to play with girls?" and he says "cuz.... I don't like playing with girls.  Like when boys and girls get comfortable with each other."  I believe I know where he is going but I'm not about to let on.  This is not my kid, and I'm not about to lead him down this road unless he wants to go there.  He says "You know when boys and girls get REALLY Comfortable with each other?"  I play dumb, and say, what do you mean?  he says "you know it starts with an "S".... and then has an "E" and ends with "X".   I don't like to talk about it very much, it make me uncomfortable."
I'm floored, I say "Well your kinda young to really have to worry about that so its OK to be uncomfortable with that."  What else am I supposed to say?!! OMG!!!!  HERE I am the wife of a level 3 sex offender basically having a sex talk with some random kid in the neighborhood.  Then he says that this other kid forced him to "do things with a girl and he didn't like it."   I ask if he told anyone and he said "Ya I told his parents, and he got in trouble and got grounded to his room."  I said that it was good that he told, and then he says that he bought a WII with the 100 that the kid gave him.  BLINK BLINK WHAT!!!!  UM WOW... this line of conversation goes on for a while and I basically hear a couple of seemingly disconnected events, like some kid saying that he did something but they looked at a video of it and found that it was the other kid not him.. So he did not get in trouble..... I almost walked this kid home.  But I had already established that he had indeed told an adult.  At this point I'm not really sure what to do or IF I should do any more. I think I'll take a walk and go meet his family in the next day or so, just to be safe....

It still weirds me out when I get put in this kind of position... maybe I should call the police, just to be safe... I guess I really can't doubt that I'm on the right track career wise...  I'm just dumbfounded, and creep-ed out just a bit.. ya know...Any thoughts?