It will never end... sigh

Well this last few weeks have been so much fun, and so busy... wait not really.  We did have a bit of fun with my daughter being in the American Girls Fashion show, BUT our car died, and then  my husband's grandfather died and we have had my mother in law and brother in law staying with us for about two weeks now.  They just left for Florida this evening.  The most annoying thing is that we don't have a car, and we are borrowing a truck from my husbands ex wife, which is really sweet of her, but I'm not super confident in driving the big rear wheel drive truck and so my husband, who usually drives when we drop her off and pick her up from head start and now some "concerned" parent just had to call in and say that they felt that he was "hanging out" or behaving "suspiciously".  So his PO calls and asks what he was doing and he says just drooping our daughter off and picking her up like normal.  He is so annoyed about this that he has decided as soon as we have our own car again that he is not going to drive us any more because he just doesn't want her getting ridiculed in school because of who her dad is.  SIGH... GIRRR.. People NEED to calm the crap down!  SIGH... it just wont go away and people wont ease up.  I almost want to type up a little flyer and tell people about every thing, and tell them all to ASK me if they have any questions or concerns...But I know that it just wont help... SIGH

I feel like writing, what I feel like writing about I could not tell you; so here I am just typing what ever comes out of my fingers.  I'm feeling kinda down right now, I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that our food stamps got cut, our medical was put on suspension for a month so my appeal for my tummy tuck has to be restarted, our car's tyranny went and we cant afford to pay for it to be fixed and we really don't have any money to buy a new car.  Crossing fingers our taxes come back SOON so we can get a new car... I forgot how helpless it feels when you don't have a vehicle.  And to top it all off my husbands PO is getting promoted and my husband has to get a new PO, and that scares me.  We have dealt with good PO's and bad PO's, but I'm not sure my psyche can handle another BAD PO.  The last bad one has already given me a complex.  Its so bad that I've even gotten his current PO to not knock on the door like a battering ram any more, lol.  I actually asked him one day if there is a class on "knocking on doors" that teaches them to pound on it as hard as possible.  I told him that every time he dose that my heart jumps out of my chest and it sends me into a near panic attack.  Now he knocks the "shave and a hair cut two bits" knock- gotta love a PO with a sense of humor. But the change makes me nervous, we have almost exactly one year left on the current probation and oh how I want to be out from under that fear.  Not that his current PO is difficult or anything.  He goes to check in once a month and the PO might or might not stop by once month and that's all but still it would be nice.  I know my husband has to register until 2025 or some thing like that, which SUCKS only because if we move the person who can and does get the rawest end of the stick is our daughter.  As it is I am slowly and methodically infiltrating the parents of my daughters Head Start Class, lol.  I'm even on the policy counsel and I can see changes happening from my advise and experiences, which makes me feel better, but still no one but 2 friends showed up for her birthday party, which we had at the local casino so the kids could go swimming.  Kinda sad if you ask me, but hey who wants to bring their kids to a "sex offenders" daughters birthday- who knows that guy who slept with a 15 ALMOST 16 yr old (she turned 16 two weeks after the incident)  20 yrs ago might be a danger to little kids that are 5 yrs old.  Sigh.

We have been working on switching up my meds, I've been taken off the ADD med.  I didn't think I was ADD but my concentration issues made the last med's DR curious, that and my counselor thought I might be ADD b/c I'm so bad at math.. NOPE my new meds Dr thinks I may have brain damage from when I had H1N1 in 2009, either from the 104 temp I ran for over a week, or from the Hypoxemia (low blood oxygen) that I had for over 2 weeks when I was on the ventilator.  Any of that could have done damage to my brain.  I've always thought that all my concentration issues, and brain farts, and everything was due to a mental break down from my daughter dying and now I find out it could be from the other traumatic event that happened that God Awful Year.  The crappy thing is that my medical insurance wont cover the testing to find out if that's whats happening or not. 

I did however find out last week that me with out my flexeral (muscle relaxer) and klonipin (anti anxiety med) and the week of my girls birthday do not mix.  Because of the mix up with our medical I ran out of those two mends, and I kinda fell into a state of mild panic, and my back started to tense up and freeze again, and with nothing to help my back relax, and nothing to stop that panic attack I was literally non functioning.  I was perpetually cold, I was going to bed at like 9pm, and still taking a 3 hour nap in the afternoons.  I hurt so bad I could barely move and I was cranky.  I hate being cranky,  I hate feeling short with my daughter, I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to waste my time and her time together being cranky.  Life is too short to live it cranky.

In other things, I've been reading the 50 Shades of Grey books, 2 down 1 to go, and let me tell you for the whole of the first book I was in a deep conflict with myself.  I saw parts of me in the "submissive" role, but at the same time I don't see myself as purely "sub".  I was irritated with myself because I felt like I was giving my "power" away, or some BS like that.  And then I had a situation with a newer friend where she had a flash back and I switched from, serving people mode into protective, "mama bear" solid rock, mode and I realized that yes I am and can be both.  The sad thing is with this realization came a realization that one of my friends who I really thought I trusted has been disrespecting me for most of if not all of our friendship.  I decided that I can't allow this anymore, This was a very difficult conclusion for me to come to and I'm deeply hurt by it, but I'm also very angry at him for over 6 years of disrespect.  He has disrespected me in my own personal boundaries in that the manner that he flirts is consistently pushing my boundaries of what is ok and not ok, bordering on sexual harassment; he has always liked me and I've not returned those feelings and he has never changed his behavior to match my requests.  He has disrespected me in my relationships; he bad mouths and judges my husband and then spreads discontent among my other friends which adds strain to my friendships.  He disrespects me  in my friendships by talking badly about me behind my back and assuming he can do things better than I do in certain business situations, and he disrespects me in my trust because he has talked about things that I've told him in confidence and not kept them confidential.  A simple yet typical expression of this disrespect is this.  When I meet him he gave me 2 books to read about the Pollyamery/Open Relationship life style.  I read them in the first month because I felt I was showing him a level of respect to understand him better.   Likewise I gave him a book series to read, just 3 fiction novels but I'm the kind of person who finds truth and lessons in every thing I read.  There are quite a few lessons I can see in these books,  He has had these books for over 6 years and he has not read a single one yet.  So now I'm at this point that I will not continue with my friendship with him unless he reads those books,   I have mixed feelings about doing this.  I don't often Demand anything from my friends to be my friend, but I'm tired of not being respected and taken for granted.  I guess for once I just really need to SEE some action.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  BUT I keep having to remind myself that I'm NOT being a Bitch or unreasonable, hence the need to type this out.

ALSO I'm still in school, and if I can pass my geology class this semester I will actually FINALLY have my AA degree!!!  One more step towards my goal of being a psychologist, however now I've been advised to write a book, and consider going into teaching psychology, so um... WOW  I don't know what I'm going to do in the future.
We still want to get a farm and raise Alpacas.  AND I still want to get the groups set up to help people who have lost children, and for Sex Offenders and their families on how to deal with the repercussions of being a Sex Offender.  I even want to start a program to help prevent teens and young adults from becoming sex offenders or from getting others in trouble as a sex offender.  Of coarse all of this takes SOOO much learning, and SOOO many more years of schooling so I still have a LONG journey to go on that aspect. 

On a different topic my daughters just turned 5 yrs old and my little angel on earth is now in gymnastics, and all prepped to be in kindergarten next year.  We finally got her on SSI so finances are a little better, but not wonderful- not having a car is killing me.  She even gets to be in the American Girl Fashion show next weekend, she gets to be a "biddy baby" in paisley pink pajamas, and she gets a free outfit!  How kewl is that?!  She is so excited, and I'm so happy that we could get this set up for her.  I don't know what will come of this for her but hey its gonna be a great experience I think, hope.

WOW this is a long post.  I'm sorry, I don't know if anyone is actually still reading this, but ya know I do feel a little better having gotten so much of this stuff out of my head and hopefully out of my moods.  I'm so tired, and my back and neck hurts, but we have a friend coming over to play cards, and I miss my adult time with her and my husband so even though I want to go to sleep I'm not going to b/c I would rather spend some time with my friend. I don't have a lot of friends up here, we live where my husband grew up and honestly I love it. I love the scenery, and the slower lifestyle and the less people and everything but I am 3 to 4 hours away from my friends and my sister and father.  Some of my friends have accused my husband of taking me up here to get me away from my support system, but its really more of the fact that its cheeper to live up here and we are closer to his kids.  BUT hey my friend is here so talk to all later.

Advise for Sex Offenders Spouces

When I think about how my life has changed since I married my husband, "the scary" "dangerous" sex-offender, I often find it difficult to really see a change per say.  I think having children and losing a child has changed my life far more dramatically than my husbands status as a sex offender.   The main changes deal with community activities and acceptance and since I've always felt like an outsider in most communities that is not a big change to me.  I do admit that my few experiences on television have been interesting.  And I may never stop being irate over people's ignorance and mean spirited behaviors that ignorance breeds. I can tell you that as a person who has had very little interaction with the law adjusting to the rules and regulations placed on my husband has been an experience, and there is so much to learn. 
If I were to give advise to someone who is planning on spending their life with a sex offender no matter what level they are give one of the most important things to do it to make sure you KNOW almost every detail of the offense, keep copy's of ALL documentation regarding the original offense and any probationary statutes and state laws on file and easily accessible because you never know when your going to need to show proof for what ever may be happening.  If a PO officer stops by your house and you have a bottle of wine in the kitchen, you better make sure that your spouse is aloud to have alcohol around.  If your spouse can then have that documented proof on hand.  If you have children make sure your significant other is aloud to be around your children.  If you are unsure, find out, if it looks like it is not aloud but you think it should be, talk to their PO.  A PO can be your best friend or your worst nightmare and unfortunately this is not something you can really influence.  Every PO is different and there are good ones and bad ones.  My husband had a bad one at one time and I'm telling you that woman gave me a complex.  I felt as if she was constantly trying to find ways to get my husband in trouble and put back in jail.  I started having panic attacks every time she wanted to meet with him, and every time she called him.  She took every question we asked her as an assault to her authority and therefore was very hostile toward myself and my husband.  The PO my husband has now is very reasonable and I do not feel threatened by him.  I know that he will be fair and even tempered no matter what comes up.
Nevertheless I keep all documantation I need with in easy find and reach at all times at home and in the car.  I make multipule copies of all documents just so if anyone questions ANYTHING I have the proof right there and then.
To this extent I have to say I've done my own homework.
I've spoken to just about everyone involved in all situations so I know all angles of the situations.  I've attended a sex offender supervision coarse so that I know what to look for and I understand some of the psychology behind many sexual offenses, and I have the documentation proving that I've atteded these classes.  We have also gone in front of a judge and gotten me listed as an approved supervisor for my husband and I have this information on hand as well.  I help make sure my husband gets any and all paperwork turned in on time, and when we do move I double check the local laws regarding sex offenders because different cities, counties, states and countries have different laws.  It is a mistake to think that the PO or the local government will convey pertinent information to the place you plan to move to; we have made this mistake before.  Also it is very important to open EVERY piece of mail from any governmental agency because even if you think its just a copy of some paperwork for your records it may be a paper that needs to be signed and sent back or some other vital information that if not handled could add up to a violation of a law you never knew existed.  And believe me there are TONS of laws you NEVER knew existed.  For instance did you know that if a level 3 sex offender, currently on probation, moves to North Dakota that state will automatically start civil commitment proceedings and could decide to have this person permanently committed to a mental hospital for the safety of the public and the individuals own safety.  Or how about Missouri?  In Missouri if a sex offender moves to Missouri both the sex offender and their spouse are subjected to yearly polygraph tests and are required to attend counseling in order to live together, whether or not they have children together or not.  And of coarse non of this is paid for by the state that is requiring these actions. 
I think the biggest piece of advise I would give is this.  BEFORE YOU THINK OF MOVING CALL AND FIND OUT WHAT THE SPECIFIC SEX OFFENDER LAWS ARE IN THE AREA YOU WANT TO MOVE TO.  Also important to look into is how many sex offenders currently live in this area.  If your married to a level 3 and there will be a public announcement and your also the first level 3 to move to this area be careful, its much easier to single you out and people can be cruel.  One place we moved to we had our tires slashed 4 or 5 times in the first month we lived there because some creep stood up in the meeting and told the whole lot of the people there what our car looked like.  Its hard as hell for a sex offender to find a job, let alone one that pays decent and those extra tires were not easy to afford. 
As a Spouse of a sex offender life is not easy and people are cruel but if you can be prepared and informed it makes things much much easier. 

I feel like typing.  I don't know what I feel like typing but I feel like typing.  I've been feeling so much up and down recently that I barely know how to handle it.  None of this has to do with my husband or his past.  I just feel BLARGH!  I just feel overwhelmed by so much.  Had county meetings today about how much or little I can work.. which is not much.. My daughter got denied AGAIN for SSI and her old lawyer dropped her because they did not want to take it to the federal level.  That means no back pay from her birth, oh well, just want her on SSI so that we can make sure she gets the services she needs.  her old lawyer was so rude to me, I actually faced my darkest feelings as of yet.  I actually felt like letting myself fall down the back stairs.   I didn't, I walked outside instead and just let it rain on me.  I sat there crying until my husband came and made me come inside.  I just felt so hopeless and defeated.  Finances are weighing on my head, we want to start our farm, and we want to work for ourselves; we want to be self sufficient and off of all social financial aid, but finding the funding is proving to be harder and harder, or at least harder than I thought it was gonna be.  Maybe I'd been fooling myself thinking it would be easy to find grants and what not but its not.  Of coarse the parts of my husbands past doesn't help this part of life.  We don't have good credit, and many grants don't want to help people who have any criminal past.  I guess this is partly why we want to help others who have a hard time finding work because of their pasts as well. 

Urgh.... I just feel so off... so.... flat.....  Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

I know I don't post often, and frankly that's because honestly there is very little to talk about when it comes to the sex offender issues if your following all the rules and just being a simple family that lives a simple life and for the most part gets along with those around us.
I expect animosity and judgement from people outside of our sphere of people.  Well I just got smacked in the face from an area I was not expecting.
My cousin got married last weekend.  It was far away and as most of this part of my families group outings tend to be, in a rather expensive area of anything they choose to do.   So as the wedding approached I had been talking with my mom and my sister, and neither of them had decided to go.  My mom claiming it was to expensive.  Then just a week out I find out that both of them are going and no one told me.  I was hurt, I felt betrayed and I know those words sound so dramatic but that's how I felt.  I was not about to bring this up while they were there.  Let them have fun and all.  So I tell my mom that I really felt left out.  She said she could understand but I was able to go to a different. wedding that my sister did not get to go on so it was fair.  So next she tells me about another possible family outing.  Expensive yes, sounds like fun yes.  She tells me that I'd have to get a pass-port for myself and my daughter.  I say well that's far enough away that we should be able to work something out, and even get it approved for my husband to come along with us.  Now we have talked about taking a similar trip where my husband was included but this time he was not.  She first claimed that he can't leave the country, I said anything is possible when people ask for permission.  Then she drops the big bomb on me.  Several people in my family would not feel comfortable with my husband coming along and being around their children.
I expect this from other people but I did not expect it from my family.  Not my family who all grew up very Christian and are supposed to love people the same way Jesus loves, and forgive the way Jesus forgives.  Every fiber of my being wanted to say this.

"Ya Know, expenses aren't always going to be a problem and I expect that kind of attitude from outsiders not from my family.  He is not going away; and although he would say that it doesn't matter and he doesn't care I knew it would be a lie." 
I also wanted to send this....
I expect it from outsiders not family who are all Christians who say they believe in Christ and the power to cleanse forgive and provide redemption for all sins."
I was going to go on to discuss how no sin is greater than any other sin and responding to people who have sinned and been forgiven by God with such malice is like spitting in God's face in my opinion.

But I did not send that text because it would just start a fight. We have already fought about how she feels I'm taking Jesus' teachings to far with being able to over look his past.  That I'm not Jesus so I should not try to be like Him in this manner.   I've read the Bible, it doesn't say Love everyone unless they do something you cant look past.  It says love everyone because I love you and everyone and you are to be ambassadors for me on the earth.

 SO I choose to not say this.  She asked if I was mad at her  I honestly responded with , not you but people who choose fear and judgement over understanding and love.  I told I married him and that I kept saying I was OK with this.  She must have said that 3 times, like that' her I did not expect it from my family.  She just kept saying that she tried to worn me about this before supposed to make it all better, that I should have expected this.  That I said I was fine with it.  SHE NEVER said my family was going to be like this.  All this last week I've had a funny feeling that this is why my mom and my sister forgot to tell me that they were going, because she was afraid I would insist on bringing my husband and that would make people uncomfortable on a day where everyone was supposed to be happy and care free.  And lookie here I was so very right and this sucks.  I told my councler about this last week and she said she highly doubted it was that, and that I needed to own my feelings and let my mom know how I was feeling.  So I followed her advise and look what it got me.  Sigh!  My mom told me that she thinks that the other families are just wanting to be cautious, just like she would have been with us girls and my family doesn't know him and so they would rather be cautious.  But how are they ever going to get to know him if they NEVER let him be around them?  I will NEVER understand this manner of thinking.  Of coarse this just doesn't help that I have not felt like I'm really part of this side of my family for oh I don't know  over half of my life.  It was one of the reasons I had wanted to go live with my dad at one point.  Oh well lets just tack this up on one more time where who and what I am is not good enough for other people.   Don't really know why I even care.  I live very far away from that entire part of my family and they wont even give me an hour or two on the times when some of them have been in my state to visit other family.  I feel like I've tried over and over again but I'm just never going to be up to their standards.  I could get my Masters or even Doctorate degree but the fact that I've chosen to continue to live in a cold state, and I've married a sex offender who has not done a dame thing since his original offence besides paper issues.  GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR is about all I really can say right now.   SO ya I'm done must put small one to bed.  Thank you all for reading.... the whole 2 of you who follow me.  I just really needed to vent this out.

Random Rambling

I don't really know what to write about tonight.  I'm sitting here watching Sleepless in Seattle, while my wonderful hubby plays his video game.  I am in such a funk this evening, and I wish I knew why.  Today was my daughters dance class, and I've been feeling ever more uncomfortable with the other "dance moms".  I'm sure many of them know who and what my husband is and therefor judge me by that information.  I hate that people will judge any situation just by rumors or facts that are now almost 20 years ago.  I've tried to talk to the other mom's and they just don't seem interested.  I've tried to jump into a conversation and I almost get out right ignored.  So far this snubbing has not gotten passed down to my daughter, she is still loved by just about every child she meets.  Its so sweet, I want her to stay this happy for as long as possible.  Well back to the story... I decided to wander a bit instead of sitting in the dance dressing room.  I just walked up and down the street that the dance class is on and wandered the stores.  In the Hallmark Store I saw beautiful nick-knacks and cards and other stuff that would be expected, but I also saw a few things that just made me sad.  There were a number of little kitschy stuff that were supposed to be funny, but really were very sarcastic and kind of mean.  This set my brain thinking.  Careful this is a dangerous thing for me to do.  But why do we use mean things, sarcastic and negatively based phrases and ideas as humor?  Why does everyone have to have a "comeback" for what ever is said.  Why is negativity and meanness suddenly normal?  Why does my step daughter always feel the need to have the last word and make everyone else wrong and her point as driven home as she can possibly make it?  Why do people seem to try to be so difficult.  Its almost like its a mark of individuality or independence.  Well this train of thought started me going down one of those darker pathways in my mind, which in always leads me to my other daughters death, and all this sadness and emptiness that I hold back so much of just opens up below me like a great chasm into which I slip and plummet into and climbing out takes so much time, energy, and understanding from my poor family.  So with that chasm looming close to me I continued to wander and found the guest books, which again made me think of my daughter, when I raced around looking for a guest book for her funeral, and could only find one at a Hallmark store, similar to the one I was in.  I also found this little round box with a little angel on the top that said something about blessings come in small packages or something and all I could see and think about was my baby.  How much I miss her, and how much that box is similar to her tiny and precious and gone.  I continued my walk, and found cards of sympathy and love from husbands to wives and what not, and that just made me remember how lucky I am with my husband, but that pain and the love make a very odd combination in my psyche.  Needless to say my mood has not gotten much better the rest of the night.
SIGH...
On other topics, my dear tiny dancer did not get a sticker t in today's class, so being the mom that I am I went straight to the teacher (not to yell at her) but to find out what my daughter had done.  I find out that she refused to dance the tap portion of the class.  As I'm getting her dressed to go she told me her feet hurt, because her tap shoes hurt her.  DING DING DING light went off, lets check the size of her current tap shoes.   YEPPERS they were too small.  We went straight to the used dance items and found a pair of tap shoes for 5 dollars that fit perfect.  WHOOT!!!  I so win that round, and now there should be no issues with her participation in class.
I'm on spring break right now from my school, and eventually I WILL use this week to get caught up on my reading, but so far I've not felt like it.  I don't feel like doing much right now, I do feel like crying right now for no real reason.  SIGH.
Well its almost midnight so I'm gonna go to bed.  Night night everyone or who ever may read this. 

Cranky

I'm feeling so very cranky recently.  One friend says its because its February and that leads me up to my girls birthday.  Its possible.  It's so had to celebrate one and remember the other at the same time.  I wish I had a group of parents who have been through this kind of stuff I could talk to but the last group I joined really hurt me, so now I just don't want to send my heart out there any more.  But sadly this makes for a cranky me.

Remember I'm taking classes for college one line, and sometimes it feels like no matter what I try to do or when I try to do it I just can't get my school work done, and that just makes me more and more irritated.  My step daughter is now taking school from home.  Long story but the basics is I think she has been misdiagnosed with ADD and Bi Polar.  I think she has asp burgers autism because she has no understanding of social norms and other comfortably.  I think her life as being the child of a sex offender has also shaped her view of things, and it shapes the view of the people around her that she comes in contact with .  Its been a part of her life for so long that she forgets that not everyone knows her and her fathers story, nor do need to.  When they held the school board meeting Monday I stayed home with my almost 4 yr old and my almost 16 year old step son.  It sounded like they were leaning towards home-bound schooling.  She only needs two English classes and she can graduate, and this is her 2 or 3 year of being a senior so this is important!   I think what gets me in this situation is that the stories are so different,  My daughter viewed the "incidences" as friends just playing around, and was not conscious of body parts etc.  And the other girls (3) say it had happened more than once and that they had asked her to stop and she didn't so they finally turned her in.  Everyone says that their main concern if or her to get the help she needs to not make these kinds of mistakes again.    However instead of sitting the 3 other girls down with my daughter and calmly have a discussion that is moderated to keep them all on track they just brush my daughter under the carpet and keep her completely separated.   I as other parents, how do you teach your children right from wrong unless you can get them to empathize with another and not want to treat the in that way?  My daughter says she has always been very touchy feely  and she seems to NEED either constant physical connection to people around her or she needs to be tethered to her lap top so she can Skype for countless hours.  She needs some version of personal contact almost every second o f every day, and is someone texts her at 4 am, she will still answer it!   So for her any physical touch is on a friend basis.  We will have see.   Oh besides the alpaca farm I have a new goal.  I want to start a program that can go all over the country to high schools and colleges do something like DARE- if you know what that is your as old as me lol.  Well instead of DARE9 (drug abuse resistance education)  I want to do SOAP or (Sex Offender Avoidance and Prevention) classes.  So here we go people I am officially claiming this idea as mine so some how I've got to make sure no one else can run with my idea.
Shift topics, we got his fines from our OK county paid off so we are working at getting all our past bills paid so that its easier to get the stuff we need to do and have to start the alpaca farm.    Other than that I'm just working threw school and I keep falling behind because I totally could not read for the life of me for one whole week so now I"m behind.  Sigh.
So now we have an on-going issue with some friends from the south where one mother has accused her now ex husband of molesting her two children and when that was dropped in court she proceeded to charge her former step son of doing the same to her girls as well.   I have to say I am so very glad that I am 4 hours away. 
Oh I'm down to 225 now!  That's 68 lbs since last April!! and 4 months ago I was around people who were smoking before their own feelings.   Ok I'm tired and I"m gonna go to bed night everyone.